All Together Different
by KristALchelle
Summary: Instead of jumping off the cliff, Bella jumps head first into a brand new life. Five years later, tragedy brings the Cullen family back to Forks to help pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. Angsty. AU Initial Jake/Bella, eventual Jasper/Bella
1. Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

**Summary: **

The story picks up in New Moon right before Bella jumps off the cliff. This time, Jacob stops her in time and her life moves on in a completely different direction. Five years later, tragedy brings the Cullen family back to Forks to help pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. Initial Jacob/Bella will eventually be Jasper/Bella. AU. Rated M for language and lemons.

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

Song- Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (acoustic version) by Sarah McLachlan

**~**~**~**

_I knew that this was the stupidest, most reckless thing that I had done yet. The thought made me smile. The pain was already easing, as if my body knew that Edward's voice was just seconds away…._

…_I stepped out to the edge, keeping my eyes on the empty space in front of me. My toes felt ahead blindly, caressing the edge of the rock when they encountered it. I drew in a deep breath and held it…waiting._

_New Moon by Stephenie Meyer pages 357- 358_

"_Bella"._

_His_ voice wasn't the one I was expecting to hear. This voice was rougher, huskier…closer. I looked in the direction of the voice and there, kneeling not five feet from where I stood, was Jacob.

"Jake?" I asked in disbelief, "What's going on?"

He shifted slightly toward me, his eyes never leaving my face while he spoke. "Bells, I need you to take one big step back from the edge of the cliff, please." I did as he asked and then repeated my previous question.

"Bella," He began, calmly, never breaking eye contact with me. I could sense from his shift in posture that he was trying to exude compassion and reassurance.

_Oh holy crap! He thinks I'm trying to kill myself. He thinks that he has to try to talk me down from this ledge!_

The sudden awareness caused me to turn toward him with a step, "Jake, look I wasn't…"

"No, Bella," he said firmly yet quietly, "Stay exactly where you are and listen to me. Bella, above all things, you are safe. I want you to know that, okay?" I nodded even though I still had absolutely no clue as to what he was talking about. He continued,

"We chased Victoria into the ocean. I raced back here because I knew you would be on the beach.

Honey, she's coming.

Through the ocean.

Right now."

My hand flew to my mouth to stifle the scream that threatened to escape. My eyes quickly scanned the now raging gray sea far below me.

"Bells, honey, it's okay. She is not going to hurt you. We are all here. This is going to end now. Embry and I are up here to keep you safe."

At Jacob's words, I suddenly became aware of a presence to the other side of me. I turned my head to see a large gray wolf with black spots down his back, half hidden in the trees that bordered the edge of the cliff. He didn't acknowledge Jake or me; he just sat and watched, sniffing the air constantly, his muscles twitching restlessly under his thick fur.

"The rest of the pack is hiding down below, ready to take her when she comes ashore. All you have to do is stand right where you are, Sweetheart okay?"

I nodded numbly. I understood what was happening. I was being used to draw Victoria from the water. The thing that she wanted most, clearly displayed at the top of this cliff. Like a cherry on top of a frigging ice cream sundae.

"She is so damn evasive. If there were any other way, if we could do this without you, we would. She is not going to hurt you, I swear it, Bella." His eyes implored me as his words left me wondering if he was trying to convince me or himself.

I scanned the water again and that is when I saw it, a brilliant amber flame glowing on the water moving at an unnatural speed toward me. I glanced at Jake to see if he had seen it as well. In his place stood a giant russet wolf whose eyes held the promise his lips could no longer voice. _I am here, you are safe, I love you_.

I inhaled deeply and returned my gaze to the water. Her eyes locked with mine and were burning so strongly with the intensity of her hatred and desire for my life that I was almost knocked backward. She wanted this over just as badly as I did. Her need to avenge her fallen mate overpowered her sense of self-preservation. As she swam toward the wall of rock at the base of the cliff and began to plan her ascent up the cliff face, her eyes never left mine. I could see that she was being driven forward solely by her hatred of Edward, the Cullens and, by extension, me. All of her efforts were about to culminate in the achievement of her final goal, my elimination. She was so deeply focused on this fact that she was oblivious to the pack of wolves she was heading towards. I wanted to keep it that way. I knew that if she lost her focus for even a minute, her natural instincts for self-preservation would kick in and they would lose her again. She seemed to falter momentarily when she reached the base of the cliff, so I did the only thing that I could. I taunted her, effectively adding the sprinkles and whipped cream to the top of the sundae. Keeping my eyes on hers, I smirked. Then I whispered, knowing that she could hear me as well as if I shouted it,

"Bring it, Bitch!"

Victoria's scarlet eyes turned to pitch at my words. Her lips curled over her teeth in a snarl and a vicious growl sounded from deep within her chest. She crouched low as she prepared to launch herself up the cliff face. At that moment, three wolves approached her from behind. The two wolves standing with me on the cliff launched themselves over the edge and down onto the stunned vampire below. The five of them converged on her at once and I stood and watched in alternating abject horror and unending glee as they easily ripped and tore her into more pieces than I could count. The sound was deafening and echoed thunderously through the mountains and across the ocean.

When they were finally finished, I saw the large black wolf that I knew to be Sam, walk away from the group and into the surrounding forest. I felt the first drops of rain hit my face as he returned moments later in his human form. The rest of the wolves had gathered Victoria's remains into a pile and were taking positions around it while Sam moved to the center. He worked quickly for a moment with his back to me and then the dismantled heap that once represented my greatest fears was aflame. It was only then that I allowed myself a deep breath. The large russet wolf sat facing me from down below, just to the right of where the fire burned brightly. His eyes watched me warily.

"I'm fine, Jake," I said in my normal speaking voice, pretty certain that he could hear me. "Better than fine, actually. I can never thank you enough for what you did. She would have never stopped until… well," I swallowed thickly as the tears suddenly threatened to spill over. "She wouldn't have stopped. Thank you all so much."

Four other heads turned to look at me, and nodded in unison with Jake. Sam said something to Jake who then disappeared into the surrounding trees as the rain began in earnest. I stayed where I was even though I suddenly became aware of how cold I'd become and how increasingly wet I was getting by the minute. Very soon, however, I felt warm arms wrap around me from behind and I relaxed into him instinctively. He lifted me off of my feet and, turning toward the road, began walking me toward my truck.

He drove us to his place in a comfortable silence with me tucked into his side. His warmth was so soothing that, despite being soaked to the bone, I felt more relaxed than I had in a very long time.

The house was dark and silent when we arrived. Jake went straight to his room, pulled some clothes out of his closet and handed them to me. I looked at the pile of gray fleece knowing that it would be way too big for me to even attempt to wear. I shook my head slightly and reached for a red T-shirt that was folded on his bed instead. I slipped down the hall and into the bathroom. I decided to have a quick shower to help me warm up before donning Jake's T-shirt. I was towel drying my hair when there was knock on the bathroom door. I opened it to see Jake standing there, now also in dry clothes, holding a mug of hot chocolate. I took it with a smile, hung up my towel beside my dripping clothes already on the rack and followed him back down the hallway to his bedroom. I climbed onto his bed, adjusting his shirt on me as it dipped over my shoulder. I pulled the bottom of the shirt over my knees and tucked my feet under his sage green comforter. I leaned back against the headboard and took a sip of the hot chocolate with a sigh.

He settled in at the foot of the bed and just watched me as I took another sip from my mug. It was then that I realized that we had yet to speak one word out loud to each other since reuniting on the cliff.

"You okay, Jake?" I whispered, looking at him over the top of my mug.

"Yeah, Bells, guess I'm just processing everything, you know?" I nodded, I knew exactly what he meant.

"Can I ask you a question though, Bells?" I nodded again.

"When I found you at the edge of the cliff," he took a deep breath,"were you getting ready to jump? 'Cuz that's sure what it looked like to me." His dark eyes radiated his concern but I couldn't find one ounce of judgment in their depths.

"No, Jake, of course I wasn't going to jump. I mean, I was thinking about the two of us jumping off together and I was getting impatient waiting for you and I wanted to see if it was really as high as it looked and…" Jake just raised one eyebrow and looked at me, his expression telling me that he wasn't buying my lie for one minute.

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Why, Bells?" his whisper was rough with emotion.

"I don't know, Jake, I wasn't trying to kill myself…honestly." I pleaded, opening my eyes and looking directly into his. "I just, I don't know, felt pent up from the waiting, like I needed to _do_something, you know?" He nodded slowly as he thought about what I had said.

"So, you don't want to die?" I shook my head vehemently,

"No, Jake, I really don't" It was the absolute truth. With as much as I had been through recently and as empty as I felt, I didn't want to die.

"Good," he flashed me his classic 'Jake' grin, "because then I would be really pissed considering what we just did for you."

I nodded and smiled, 'Yeah, I could understand that."

"I was going to apologize to you, but I don't know if I will now, seeing as how you did intend to jump no matter what the reason." He shook his head but was still smiling.

"I don't know what you could possibly have to apologize for, Jake, I'm the dumb ass here, I think that we have clearly established that." I drank some more from my mug, relishing the feeling of comfort and peace that was seeping through me. It was enough to make me think that my wounded heart had finally healed itself once and for all. I knew that it was probably just the 'Jake' effect but I wanted so much to believe that it could be true.

"Well, Bella, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable when we were on the cliff because in my rush to stop you from jumping— I didn't stop to ." He was looking down into his hot chocolate as he spoke. Jake's cheeks were slowly taking on a rosy glow that his perpetually tanned skin could not hide.

I was incredibly proud of the fact that I was able to swallow the hot chocolate in my mouth without spewing it all over him.

"You mean you were sitting there naked?" I asked, totally stunned. How was it that I had not noticed that fact myself?

"Um, yeah, Bells, you mean you didn't even notice?" His embarrassment had apparently been overruled by his pride. I knew that I would have to tread very lightly if I was going to avoid offending him further.

"No, but to my credit, Jake, you kinda dropped a bomb on me there with the whole _'the deranged vampire who wants you dead is on her way here right now to finish the job so just stand there like a good little carrot and try not to do anything dumb like get yourself killed'_ speech." I teased, trying to keep it light but also feeling totally justified by that answer.

"Well, for the record, you were a very good little carrot. Kudos on the not getting yourself killed part, by the way." He teased right back but then added, "But, maybe next time, you could, um, I don't know, maybe, um, notice or something?" It came out like a question and his cheeks erupted in flames once again.

I smiled and nodded my head, "Yeah, Jake, I promise to notice next time, but just in case, maybe we should institute a new policy stating that if either one of us ends up appearing naked to the other at any time and for any reason then the _nakeder_ has to let the _nakedee _know at the onset of the _nakedness_."

I was having a hard time suppressing my laughter and ended up bursting into a full-out fit of giggles when he deadpanned, "Nakedee? Seriously, Bella, have you considered Law School? Because you would totally rock at writing contracts that absolutely no one could understand."

"I know, right?" I asked doing my very best 'Legally Blonde' impression by pretending to smack my gum and twirl my hair around my finger while fluttering my eyelashes at him. We kept cracking up laughing as we tried to decide who would be the nakedee and who would be the nakeder. We could'nt come to an agreement on the appropriate terminology to use in the wording of our fictitious agreement. Finally, gasping for air and hanging onto my stomach because it hurt from laughing so hard, I called 'uncle'. I resigned to curling up into myself with my head on Jake's pillow facing toward the wall. My hope was that if I couldn't see his face, then he couldn't make me laugh anymore.

I felt the mattress shift under me as he pulled his quilt up over me and then lay down beside me. He draped his arm across my waist as he snuggled into me. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck and I felt enveloped by the musky cedar scent that was unmistakably Jake. I could feel the heat of his body against mine, working steadily through me. He was relaxing my muscles and easing away any residual strain that still existed after our harrowing encounter on the beach.

Logically, I knew that this wasn't a good idea. Even though we had held hands and cuddled together in the truck when driving or on the couch at Charlie's while watching a movie. The blatant intimacy that this moment suddenly created had me wondering if the carefully constructed walls of our friendship were about to be blown down. I was so very comfortable and it just felt so incredibly right that I just couldn't find it within myself to care. I justified it by reminding myself that Jake and I were friends and friends could snuggle together under the covers especially when the bed they were on was extremely small. It was definitely acceptable if not expected after being attacked by a vengeful, bloodthirsty vampire— one would think.

Content with this explanation, my mind began to drift to Romeo and Juliet. Throughout the history of time the star-crossed lovers have been admired and envied by old and young alike. We seem to be raised to be constantly on the search for a 'Romeo' or 'Juliet' of our very own. Which, once that I thought about it, seemed like an absolute lesson in stupidity. I guess I no longer saw the romance in angst and drama. From someone who had stood at that precipice more times then I wanted to admit, I felt that I could state quite honestly that the concept of 'dying for love' was not nearly as attractive as it may have once seemed. I would even venture to say that is was highly overrated. I could no longer see the sense in pursuing true love when I already knew that it only ripped your heart out and handed it to you once you've found it. What if Juliet had stayed with Paris? Would she have gotten a happily ever after? Definitely wouldn't have had the big screen impact of the original story but it sure was a very appealing concept to me at this point in time.

The arm that Jake had draped around my waist began to move. First to hold my hand as it lay on the bed in front of me and then to stroke my arm from my wrist to my shoulder and then back down to my hand. His fingers proceeded to trace along each of my fingers before journeying back up to my shoulder again. I felt him breathing into my hair, whispering words in both English and Quileute that I couldn't hear but could easily discern the emotion behind them.

I knew that he wanted me, knew that he loved me, and I knew that I loved him as best I could.

What I didn't know was if that was enough.

His body radiated desire and need and I knew that I had to make a choice very soon as we were definitely nearing the point of no return. I tried to turn in his arms but he held me firmly against him.

"Jake" I started, but he interrupted.

"Bells, I almost lost you today, please just let me hold you. Please, Bella, you don't realize how important you are. You don't have any idea how empty this world would be without you in it. God, Bella, don't you understand that I would die for you, willingly and without second thought because I love you that much, Bella? You are everything that is good and beautiful and pure, my Bella, my Bella." He whispered into my hair over and over in both English and Quileute again until his whispers became kisses. They were tentative at first but their fervor soon increased. He trailed from the top of my head down the side of my face, along my jaw, down my neck, culminating his effort at the place where my neck and shoulder met. It was an area of my body that I had never given much thought to but at that moment, with Jake kissing there and with such passionate abandonment, it became my most beloved and treasured body part.

I wondered how much it would cost to insure it. Celebrities were forever insuring their body parts, surely I could insure this Epicenter of Heaven. It was the only thing I could call it, what else could it possibly be called but that. Suddenly, I was made blissfully aware of the deep magic possessed by the Epicenter of Heaven as Jake's ministrations there began to completely erase the part of my brain that assumed logical functioning. Nothing was left except the words, _Yes, Oh God, and More_.

"Jake" I moaned in whisper. This time he let me roll to face him, wrapping his arms tightly around me once I was settled against him under the quilt again. His eyes were locked on mine. Those dark ebony pools held so much more emotion in their depths than either one of us could ever express. I was suddenly flooded with feelings of gratitude and love for all that Jake and the wolves had done to protect me. I knew with absolute certainty that he always would as long as there was breath in his body.

Jake was safety.

Jake was security.

Jake was here.

And he always would be.

I knew that the next words out of my mouth would decide the direction of our relationship and as I took a breath to speak, a voice resonated from within me. It caused me to gasp, especially since it wasn't the voice I was expecting to hear.

"_Darlin' you deserve to be loved, let him love you. Today is your gift, Bella, it's all you have so you'd better make the most of it. Tomorrow is not a given so go on and make hay while the sun shines, sugar."_ Jasper's words drawled through my thoughts just as clearly as if they had been spoken aloud. I did not understand why I would suddenly be channeling not Edward but Jasper of all people. My diminished thought capacity in conjunction with my raging hormones decided that he was right and that this was advice worth taking. I could choose this and have some semblance of a happy life or I could wait for that which might never come and even if it did, it wouldn't guarantee happiness.

Jake watched me as I conceded to the voice and finally made my decision.

"I know that I'll never be able to thank you enough for today, Jake." I said, running the fingers of my free hand along his cheek and up in to his hair before settling at the nape of his neck. I lazily fingered the hair there as Jake's breathing increased. Both of his hands were rubbing circles up and down my back, moving lower with each pass. The huge shirt I was wearing had ridden up and was just barely covering my bottom.

"I would love to say that nothing like that will happen to me again, but it likely will. Danger follows me; it isn't exactly safe to be around me. Plus, I'm broken, Jake, I know that you know that. I don't know what I am capable of giving to you, if anything. But, I want to try, it might not be enough in the end, but I want to try. Is that alright?" I asked nervously, my voice shaking with the fear that he might just say _no_.

"Yes, Bella, oh my God, Yes!" Jake leaned in toward me, "I would gladly fight a hundred Victorias everyday for the rest of my life if it meant that I got to do this with you at the end of it." His lips then met mine effectively ending our discussion.

**Jake is biologically 16 years old even though he has the body of a fully matured adult man. What follows would be considered underage smexin' if you are uncomfortable with it, please do not read any further.**

Jake rolled onto his back so that I was laying on top of him hungrily devouring his lips and he mine. Kissing him was so different than kissing Edward. Jake's lips were warm and soft and they parted easily when my tongue licked across them. I got lost in him then, having never kissed anyone this deeply before. I came to the realization that the Epicenter of Heaven was not on my body, but was in fact created by Jake's mouth, his lips and his tongue all working together in perfect harmony. His hands roamed freely now up and down my body as far as he could reach, tangling in my hair for a moment before repeating their circuit again. His touch was electric and my body tingled with warmth and anticipation. I kept my hands at the side of his face, stroking his cheeks and into his hair. We moaned and panted into each other's mouths, never breaking our kiss. My body began to move against Jake's at its own volition.

At first, I felt self-conscious, but then Jake grabbed my hips, his body responding in kind which ignited a slow burn deep inside of me. I wasn't thinking, I was only feeling as our bodies moved together, primal instincts overriding advanced logic. Jake's large, warm hands were everywhere on my body. They were on top of and then underneath my shirt moving quickly to remove the offending item from me altogether. I moved just as fast to rid him of his T-shirt, enjoying the feeling of his muscular chest and arms beneath my fingertips as I explored him before pressing my now bare chest against his and continuing our kiss. There was a mutual gasp at the initial contact of my skin to his. Jake grabbed my bottom, covered only by the thin fabric of my underwear, and pulled me down into him. He thrust up in between my thighs and groaned at the contact, his thrusts continued and increased in pace.

The sensations he was causing in my body made me no longer capable of rational thought. I was completely lost to the moment. Living for it and nothing else. My body knew exactly what it wanted and how to get it. I moved my hands down Jake's chest and to the waistband of his sweatpants where I tugged them gently. Instantly, I was rolled to the side slightly and Jake began pulling down and kicking off his pants underneath the covers. When he was finished, he rolled me back on top of him and pulled the blanket up to my shoulders.

"Hey, Bells," he whispered hoarsely, never breaking eye contact with me, "I'm naked."

"Yes," I smiled, "I noticed, Jake." God, did I notice! There aren't words to describe what I was feeling beneath my body, well there are—but I wasn't coherent enough to think of them. My eyes stayed on his as I shifted on him slightly and moved my hands to my hips, hooking my thumbs into the waistband of my panties. Jake's hands quickly covered mine and together we began to slide them down my legs. When we could no longer reach, I used my foot to flick them off. I then looked down at my body pressed firmly against Jake's and then back up at him.

"Well, would you look at that, I'm naked too!" I gestured, as if I had no idea how that had happened.

"Is this what you want, Bella?" he asked, and I knew that he wasn't just talking about us lying naked together in his bed. I nodded, "Yes, Jake, _this_ is what I want."

"Oh my God, Bella! I love you so much. You have no idea how badly I want this," he breathed.

I had a bit of an idea. Actually it was a pretty darn big idea and it was currently poking into my inner thigh and beginning to rub against me again in all the right ways. I pressed my lips to Jake's again, reveling in the feeling of being wanted so desperately. Edward was always so careful, his boundaries so defined. Logically, I knew why that was. But it didn't stop the feelings of rejection and inadequacy that would wash over me after each and every encounter with him. Being with Jake was erasing all of those memories. They were fading quickly away and I didn't miss them at all.

Jake's hands were everywhere on my body, massaging, touching, teasing my flesh, while his hips continued to move in a quickening rhythm with mine. He began to move his length purposely against me; I could feel its increasing slickness with each pass and knew that came from me. My eyes rolled back in my head and my whole body felt weak when Jake began hitting a particularly sensitive place at the apex of my legs.

My lips were beginning to feel very swollen from our feverish kissing, but I couldn't find it in myself to stop. I was making sounds that I have never made before as I moaned and writhed against Jake. He was responding in kind and then, more quickly then I could have thought possible, he rolled me onto my back. Jake hovered above me, his eyes locked on mine. I knew what was going to happen next. I had taken grade nine health after all. Yet, I felt disbelief. I couldn't believe that this was finally happening to me. I held onto Jake's shoulders, letting one hand ghost over his tattoo, tracing the intricacies of the pattern and attempting to steady my nerves. He positioned himself and then leaned forward. I gasped as he entered me.

I had read the description and, of course, had discussed this with friends who had 'gone all the way' but nothing that I had ever heard or read compared to what I was feeling in that moment. My body and Jake's body connected so completely.

My mind reeled and searched for the words and came up empty. Logic tried, and could do no better. Pain, wasn't there supposed to be pain? I realized that for a brief moment there had been a flare, but it had so quickly been healed by the searing heat of Jake's body that I hardly felt it. As he began to move in me, I only felt pleasure. Amazing, healing, freeing, pleasure coursed through every fiber of my being. I moved with him, still gripping his shoulders tightly. Jake shifted his weight slightly and moved a hand down to where we were joined. I gasped at the sensation and began moving erratically against him. I wondered how he knew to do this, but soon realized that I just didn't care. All I could think of was that I needed more of this, more of him. More, just more, for the love of God, more!

I felt the fire starting to burn hotter in my stomach and it slowly spread throughout my body until I felt engulfed in a raging inferno.

'Jake, I'm… I uh… I think… I'm gonna…I ungh!" I quite frankly didn't know what I was gonna do, but something was happening. I felt that I was instantaneously being pulled completely apart and stitched tightly together all at once. I began to chant Jake's name as I reached my arms over my head, grabbing at the wooden slats of his headboard and arching my back up off the small bed. The fire kept building within me until suddenly it consumed me and I cried out as my body convulsed and the most exquisite feeling coursed through me.

In that moment I felt as if I had been completely incinerated and at the same time re-born. Like the phoenix rising from the ashes of all that had been, I was created stronger and more whole than I had ever been before.

The aftershocks from the explosion continued to rock my body, as I focused on my creator who shifted onto his forearms resting on either side of me, and continued moving within me with an even stronger intensity then before. I wrapped my legs around his, resting my feet against his calves, using them as leverage as I met his thrusts.

"God, Bella, "he breathed, "did you?—I made you? I…Oh, God…"

His large hands gripped the sheets at either side of my head and I pulled my hands back from the headboard to cover his. He twined his fingers with mine and then pressed his lips to mine with such heated passion that it took my breath away. I felt his whole body tense and arch above me, every muscle fought against the onslaught of pleasure that was being unleashed in his body. I watched in awe as it overtook him and as the new man emerged from where the boy had just been. He yelled my name into the room and then collapsed on top of me, using his arms and legs to support his body weight so he wouldn't crush me. We remained joined, breathing heavily and sharing light kisses and whispers.

Eventually, Jake shifted off of me and I rolled so that we were lying on our sides facing the wall. Just as we had been before we had made love.

Made.

Love.

Jake and I had made love. I was feeling rather shocked as the evidence began to pool against my lower thigh. More coherent thoughts began entering my mind as I replayed what had just happened between us. I was caught between jubilation and disbelief. I could slowly feel my mind awaken and begin sifting and analyzing the events. As wonderful as it had been, there was a nagging feeling beginning to grow within me, telling me that I had forgotten something very important. I searched the instant replay for that detail that I had overlooked. I think that Jake must have been doing the same thing and that he arrived at the same realization about a half a second after I did.

"Bella," he breathed, "Honey, are you on that pill or patch thingy?"

I inhaled a shaky breath, closed my eyes and shook my head, "No, I'm not on any birth control, Jake."

He just nodded and pulled me in closer to his warm chest before whispering into the darkened room,

"Holy crap!"

**~**

**A/N- ****Thank you to Sheils, my personal superhero and dealer of all things Twicrack and to BamaBabe, Touchstone67, MaitresseSaint, Mommybrook, NCChris, Kitty_Cullen, TishPhoenix and FrogQueenLaurel for their amazing friendship, encouragement and support. 3**

**A humungous bouquet of wheat and canola goes to my beta Meddz. This honestly would not be here without her. FPC 4Evah Bush Goddess! Mwah! xoxo**

**Thank you for taking the time to read my first fan fic ever. I would love to know what you think, but please be gentle…**


	2. Chasing Cars

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

Song- Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

~~*~~* ~~*~~

"_Bella," he breathed, "Honey, are you on that pill or patch thingy?" _

_I inhaled a shaky breath, closed my eyes and shook my head, "No, I'm not on any birth control, Jake."_

_He just nodded and pulled me in closer to his warm chest before whispering into the darkened room, _

"_Holy crap!"_

Yup, Holy crap was right!

If it had been anyone else I'm sure they would have been given a 'Gimme' on that one, but, yeah… I don't have that kind of luck. For someone who was supposedly known for being uber-responsible and level-headed, I had done just about the most irresponsible, impetuous and classically _teenage_ thing ever. I blamed it on adrenaline and hormones and hot chocolate and red T-shirts and warm wolf boy bodies and stupid, cheesy, southern vampire voices, though I couldn't ever tell anyone that. I mean, seriously, Bella? _'Make hay while the sun shines?'_ Who even talks like that? And who falls for a line like that? Well, me apparently, and more than once…

That night definitely changed the trajectory of my life. I really had not set huge goals for myself, beyond day to day survival, but any plans that I did have were completely blown into oblivion. Looking back at all that had transpired, though, made me realize that I was okay with that.

Just over five years later, I was standing in what used to be my Dad's kitchen, making dinner and waiting for Jake. I heard the front door open with a bang and a familiar voice sang through the house.

"I wanna make wuv wight now na na , I wanna make wuv wight now na na, Wif we neva bwoke up wight now na na, We need to wink up wight now, na na."

Hearing those words sung by my almost three year old daughter caused me to groan inwardly. Jake and I were on the same page about most things when it came to parenting. But what constituted as music appreciation for preschoolers was definitely not one of them.

"Hey, Bewwa," my little girl sang from the doorway of the kitchen. Her pig tails were askew, the elastics trying desperately to hang on to the short, wispy tufts of mahogany that fought against their captor. The pink polka-dotted ribbons that I had tied into them that morning were long gone. She had my eyes and they were sparkling with mischief and delight, just like usual. Her cheeks were rosy and smeared with dirt, as were her black track pants. Without words, I knew that she had spent the day at the garage with Jake and not at Charlie and Sue's as originally planned.

"Hi, Bethie, did you have fun today?" I asked, bending down so that I was at eye level with her.

She shrugged, "Yeah, I thaw Unca Pau and Aunty Raythel, they thaid Daddy ith fawking thstoopid!" At that, she turned to go into the living room, giggling and calling over her shoulder, "Daddy thaid I could watth Dowa before thuppa, Okay, Bewwa?"

"Okay," I called to her, knowing that she could turn the T.V on and start the DVD on her own. "And, Bethie, don't say those words, even if Uncle Paul and Aunty Rachel say them, okay? I wasn't surprised when I heard her response and I could just picture the eye roll that went along with it.

"Sure, sure, Bewwa, no pwobwem." She then began singing along to the opening theme to Dora the Explorer.

I sighed because it looked like I was going to have to spend the evening killing my husband and that hadn't been on my To Do List for today. I walked into the front hall just in time to see Jake coming in. He was holding our sleeping son in one arm and one of Emily's cookie tins was in his other hand. I took the tin from him and set it in the kitchen before I silently began pulling off the little boy's boots and raincoat. At four and a half years old, Masen was a miniature version of Jake, in fact Jake delighted in referring to him as 'Mini Me'. I caught Jake's eye as he watched me straighten Masen's shirt where it had ridden up. He winked at me and then gave me that smile that made me forget my plans for his demise.

Silently, he carried our first born up the stairs to his bedroom. I looked down the hallway where I could see into the living room. Bethie was still happily watching Dora even though she had seen that particular DVD at least fifty times.

I went into the kitchen and opened the oven to check on the lasagna and see if it was time to add the garlic bread. I was bent at the waist and leaning into the oven when I felt the heat of his body behind me. He placed his large, warm hands on my hips and pulled me in toward him.

"Um, Hi," I said from inside the oven, "Kinda trying to check on your dinner here."

'Don't mind me, as you were, Carrot." He said softly as he allowed one hand to trail from my hip and down to my thigh, which he began to stroke languidly. His other hand remained firmly on my hip and was the only thing preventing me from falling face first into the oven. I reveled in the sensations that Jake's touch was creating.

Deciding that the garlic bread could go in, I hurriedly grabbed it off the counter and set it on the rack beside the lasagna. Jake moved with me as I closed the oven door and reached up and set the timer on the stove for ten minutes. I straightened up and Jake molded into me from behind, his hands wrapping around my waist and pulling me into him. I felt his breath against my ear.

"I wanna make love right now na na, I wanna make love right now na na…" He crooned, making my whole body tremble and turning my legs to jelly. He started swaying us slowly as he hummed the tune and began kissing that magic spot on my neck.

"Jake," I struggled to maintain coherency, "Bethie came in singing that song and I thought we agreed that we were only going to play the kid's CDs when they are in the car with us. It's more than disturbing to hear that song coming from my little girl. Plus, I don't even think that those are the right words." He began stroking his hands up and down my arms, across my stomach, down my thighs and then up again.

"I know, Hon, something's wrong with the CD player in the Rabbit, I can only get the radio to work. Biff doesn't know what the words mean. She'll forget about it by tomorrow, don't worry about it, Bells. The Epicenter of Heaven is here to make all your worries disappear." He increased his attack on my neck; rocking my body gently against his and definitely making everything disappear except my need for him which was increasing exponentially by the second. I was losing this battle and I cursed myself internally for ever telling him my theory about him being the possessor of The Epicenter of Heaven.

"Is she also going to forget that Unca Pau and Aunty Raythel thaid that you are fawking thstoopid?" Jake sighed, giving up his assault on my neck and resting his chin on the top of my head instead.

"She told you about that, huh?" He half chuckled and half sighed.

"Yeah, within the first two seconds of her being in the front door." I said, as I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent, enjoying the feeling of his warm arms wrapped around me. "What was that all about and why was she with you at the garage today and not at Dad and Sue's?"

I felt him shrug behind me, "She said she wanted to come with me after we dropped Masen off at Emily and Sam's. I called your dad and Sue and they said that was fine. They actually brought lunch over for all of us around noon so they got to see her and have a visit with my Dad too. As for the Paul and Rachel thing, it's just the same old same old. I guess Dad made a comment to Paul this morning about being concerned that their headboard was going to come through his bedroom wall last night. Of course, Paul told Rach and she flew off the handle, just like always." I felt him shake his head behind me and shrug again.

It was no secret that Rachel hated living with Billy, but with his failing health he could no longer live on his own. He had recently developed diabetes and made no effort to manage it himself. His meals and insulin intake had to be closely monitored; a task that Rachel openly resented.

Her solution to the problem was simple. She figured that Billy should come and live with us. That it was our turn to take him so that she and Paul would be free to smash as many headboards through as many walls as they wanted without complaint. When faced with the argument that we didn't have a room for him, she had said that if we cared at all, then we would be more than willing to put Masen and Bethie together in my old room. She then thought that we should take Charlie's old room and give Billy our room in the addition that Jake and the pack had added to the house so that each child could have their own room in the first place. She said that children that age didn't need their own rooms, that we indulged them too much, and that if we would just look at the bigger picture, we would see how perfect her solution was. The bottom line was if you ever needed to know how to run your own life, Rachel Black would be happy to tell you and then stand over you to be sure that you did it exactly right.

It was a daily struggle for me to like her. I sighed against Jake and watched the timer on the stove count down the seconds until it went off.

"So, what did you tell them this time?" I asked, as I lifted the lasagna and garlic bread out of the oven and set them on top of the stove. Jake moved in from behind me to close the oven door.

"Same as always." He said as he reached three plates, one plastic and two china, out of the cupboard. He then began to fill the glasses on the table from the pitcher of ice water that I had set there just before he arrived home.

"I told them that we just don't have the room and that Dad is happiest right where he is. He won't leave La Push and they both know it. Quil and Embry were both there helping me with that engine job today and they offered once again to help build something in the clearing just behind the house, but Rach won't hear of it. It's her way or the highway, as usual."

I cut up the garlic bread and dished out some lasagna onto each plate.

"Do you think that we should wake Masen up?" I asked Jake.

He shook his head.

"Nah, he's out cold, Carrot, he'll eat when he wakes up. He might be coming down with something; Emily said that he seemed a little off today, so we should just let him sleep."

Jake went into the living room, turned off the T.V and brought Bethie into the kitchen. He hoisted her up at the sink and I watched as he helped her wash her hands. He checked the temperature of the water before he let her put her hands in, then he squeezed some soap onto her hand and got her to scrub while they sang the ABC song together. Then, he told her to rinse her hands off, which she did while managing to splash him in the process. She giggled when he covered her head with the dish towel that he used to dry her hands with and carried her to her booster chair at the table. He pulled the towel off of her head after he had her seated and placed it across her lap with a flourish, causing her to giggle some more.

As we ate, we discussed the events of the day. I hadn't seen Jake or either of the kids since they left the house at eight o'clock in the morning. Jake told me that he had made a lot of progress on the engine rebuild he had been working on and expected to be done really soon. This was good news. The bulk of our income consisted of money that Jake earned from working on cars on the weekends. During the week, Sam still insisted that the pack run patrols, sometimes even up as far as to Alaska and back just to ensure that the area was still completely vampire free. Just like it had been for the last five years. Because the pack was considered to be the police force for the reservation, they each received a small stipend each month. That was nowhere close to covering what was required to feed and clothe a growing family of four, however.

After Masen was born, Jake and I visited one of the two daycare centers in Forks. We both left with tears running down are faces, though Jake maintains his were caused by the overwhelming smell of dirty diapers. We made the decision then and there that we would never put our children into that kind of group care environment.

I began taking child development courses on line with the intention of opening a day home of my own. Initially, I brought in a few children from the neighborhood and made a rather decent earning from it. However, once members of the pack began having children, they felt that their children should have priority. I had to let some of the paying families go to make room for Jake's 'brothers' who never felt obligated to pay for the time that I spent with their children. There were some exceptions, but as a rule, I had become a free babysitting service for the wolf pack.

Emily was one of the exceptions; she took Masen for me every Saturday in exchange for my looking after her two one day during the week. Masen adored Emily, so it was very much a 'win-win' situation. Every Saturday he would arrive home with one of her tins filled with cookies or brownies or muffins or whatever else they had made together that day. I was really grateful for the arrangement because it gave me the chance to clean the house, buy groceries for the week and do all of the things that got left undone during the course of a busy week.

I watched Bethie poke her lasagna with her kids fork while she talked about her day playing at Daddy's garage with Sam and Emily's son, Sammy, whom she called Thammy. She was also very pleased that she got to have lunch with Gwampa Charwee, Gumma Thue and Gwampa Biwee. Of course, the absolute highlight of her day was getting to spend some time with Unca Pau and Aunty Rathel. She completely adored Paul, much to my chagrin. I didn't have anything against Paul, aside from the fact that he made no effort to rein in his mouthpiece of a wife. Truth be told, he made no effort to rein in anything and that was the crux of the problem. He made no attempt at being a role model of any kind. Bethie was such a little sponge who soaked up everything, most especially if it was negative. It was incredibly frustrating for me because it seemed like both Paul and Rachel deliberately went out of their way to provide her with lots of new material each time they saw her.

"Eat up, Sunshine." I encouraged after I saw that she had only eaten one bite of her dinner. She poked it with her fork again one more time and then sighed and wrinkled her tiny little nose.

"I don' yike it."

Lasagna and Beth had never had a problem before. Just last week, she had yiked it very much and had asked for seconds at Sue and Charlie's house. I actually would have said that it was number one on her favorites list. I was completely bewildered as to what had caused the drastic turn around.

"Have some garlic bread, then." I said, offering her a slice.

"No, Bewws, I'm good." She said as she tried to get out of her booster seat by herself.

Jake put his hand on her shoulder to hold her in place.

"Have a piece of bread," he said as he put a slice on her plate, "and three baby 'maters." He added as he scooped three cherry tomatoes out of the salad bowl that was sitting in front of him to add to her plate.

"Are you fawking kiddin' me, Daddy?" She exclaimed.

In that instant, Jake dropped his knife on the floor and dove under the table to retrieve it, leaving me topside to be the disciplinarian, as usual. I could feel the table shaking with his laughter and I resisted the urge to kick him, knowing that it would only result in a broken toe or two – again.

I didn't know why I didn't find the situation as funny as my soon-to-be-dead-husband did; I just knew that I didn't. I took the job of parenting my children very seriously, too much so, according to Jake and Charlie. I realized very early on that you can't over parent your children but you can certainly under parent them. I am definitely not someone who is content in doing a half-assed job in anything – let alone the most important thing that I have to do, which is to raise my children.

I didn't always agree with the things that Oprah said, but she had it right when she said that parenting is the most difficult job in the world. It was nothing like what I expected it to be. Bethie was an exceptionally challenging child who always seemed to be zigging when the rest of us were zagging. She was prone to tantrums and was impossible to reason with then. She was very strong-willed as demonstrated by her insistence on calling me 'Bella' instead of 'Mommy' no matter how often we corrected her to the contrary. She was way more assertive and aggressive than her brother and not at all interested in anything remotely 'girly' or feminine. She wasn't just _not_ a princess, she was an anti-princess, and she wasn't just a tomboy, she was an uber-tomboy. Her mannerisms, speech and clothing preferences all reinforced that fact. I was concerned. Paul had coined the nickname 'Biff' for her and I despised it. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if she wasn't so very Biff-like, but she was. It suited her just a little too well for my liking.

I leaned forward in my chair and looked her in the eyes,

"Beth, that's not a word that we use in our home. I know that you've heard others use that word, but they are doing the wrong thing and they deserve to have hot sauce put on their tongues."

"Weally?" She asked incredulously.

I nodded solemnly.

"Do you want me to put hot sauce on your tongue?"

She shook her head vehemently, sending her pig tails into a floppy frenzy.

"Ok, you get one more chance and then we will have to put hot sauce on your tongue and you won't like it." I promised.

"Okay, Bewwa, I pwomith!" She looked at me sincerely.

"Okay," I said just as Jake re-emerged, knife in hand, "Mr. Black, for the record, you are on your last chance too."

He settled back into his seat and winked at me,

"And then I get the hot sauce too?" He asked with a shrug.

I shook my head.

"No," my eyes met his, "it's what you won't be getting that you should be worried about."

I saw the realization hit his eyes and I smirked before taking a forkful of my cold supper.

~~~ ***~~~

After dinner, I gave Bethie her bath while Jake cleaned up the kitchen. After I had tucked her into bed in my old room and promised to send Daddy in for a kiss, I walked across the hall to check on Masen. He was fast asleep in his race-car bed. His breathing was shallow and his cheeks were flushed. I held my hand above his forehead and could feel the heat emanating from him. Quickly, I made my way down the hall to the bathroom and retrieved the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet. I turned it on before I entered his room and then walked back over to his bed and gently placed the receptor into his ear. A minute later, a soft beeping alerted me that it was ready. I checked the read out – 102 F flashed back at me.

Not good.

Not. Good.

I removed the heavy Lightning McQueen comforter from on top of him and replaced it with a lighter blanket from his closet. I didn't even flinch when Carlisle began to speak through my thoughts. I expected it by now.

"_The fever needs to come down, Bella, three pellets now and then assess him in half an hour."_

I slipped back into the bathroom and found the homeopathic fever reliever. Back in his room, I slipped three small pellets past his bottom lip to rest against his lower gum, they would have melted and begun to work before I even reached his doorway.

I could hear Jake singing in Quileute to Beth, so I leaned against the wall across from her room and waited for him. He emerged a few minutes later and offered me his hand as we walked down the stairs, pausing first to close and lock the gate at the top.

"Masen's sick, Jake, he's running a fever of one oh two."

"Did you give him some magic potion?" He asked.

"Yeah, right away." I said as we reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Good," he said as he pulled me into a hug and ruffled my hair. "That stuff is golden, Carrot, he'll be just fine."

I sighed into him, "I know, Hon, I just hate it when they're sick; it makes me feel so helpless and scared."

"Don't worry, Bells, they've got wolf blood running through them, they're invincible." I smiled weakly. That opened up a whole other discussion that I just didn't want to even think of or talk about right now.

I let go of Jake so he could check the locks on the doors and turn off the lights downstairs. We headed into our room, where he flopped down on the bed, picked up the remote and turned on the T.V. I could hear the opening theme for Family Guy and it made me smile. That show was definitely Jake's guilty pleasure. He was constantly quoting from it and it was really funny. I liked to hear him quoting the show more than I liked to actually watch it.

I pulled my sweater from the closet, slipped on my shoes and opened the sliding door leading out on to the deck. I had asked Jake if we could add a roofed porch when we renovated this part of the house to add our room and bathroom. It had become my favorite place. Jake had even built and hung a wooden porch swing for me on one side, and on the other side there was a built in bench. The seat lifted up so that we could store some of the kids' outdoor toys in there. I had a couple of pretty terra cotta planters filled with ferns sitting on either side of the stairway leading down to the newly fenced-in yard. I reached up to one of the cross beams and extracted my own guilty pleasure from the shadows.

I pulled one from the box, put it to my lips, lit it, inhaled deeply and waited. This really was my favorite part of the day. I had begun smoking shortly after Beth was born. It was during a period of time when I had felt very overwhelmed and alone. At first, I smoked way too much, sometimes, chain smoking two and three cigarettes in a row. I also drank a lot during that time too. Then, when Beth was about three months old, I had the most vivid dream of my life. I dreamt that all of the Cullens were in my bedroom and I was in my bed sleeping. I had not heard anything from any of the Cullens since they left Forks after my eighteenth birthday, so to say that I was surprised to see them all in my room was an understatement. While I slept, they each spoke to me, each sharing a different message with me. When I awoke in the morning, I felt as if it had really happened. I knew that it wasn't possible, and must have just been my subconscious reacting to some rather dramatic events from the night previous. After I had that dream, I felt so much better – so much better about myself, about my marriage, about being a parent, about everything in general.

I scaled back my smoking because 'Dream Carlisle' had asked me to, but I continued with the one a night because of 'Dream Jasper'. Every night when I would light a cigarette, he would join me. In my mind of course, not in reality, that would just be crazy. Actually, I had determined long ago that I was indeed crazy but it's not the kind that will hurt anyone or myself, so I don't worry too much about it. By now, I was very used to hearing the voice of a Cullen in my head triggered by whatever particular activity I happened to be doing at the time. In my dream, both Carlisle and Jasper had agreed that it was my subconscious mind's way of keeping them with me… that I had an inherent need to maintain a connection to them. Even though I had moved on and was mostly very happy with the choices I had made, a part of me would forever mourn the loss of the people that I truly did view as my family. In the dream, they had wanted me; they wanted to stay with me, to be in my life again or to take me away with them. Whatever I would have wanted they would have done. But the wolves in the room said _no. _I hadn't even known they were there until Sam had spoken and had said that all they would be allowed to leave with me would be memories and that was all. I remember Jasper's smile then, it was so sad yet his eyes sparkled mischievously as he leaned forward then and breathed into my ear,

"You live in our hearts, Darlin' and we live in yours, that isn't something that anyone can change. Believe that when you need us, we will be there, sugar, if it can only be in your thoughts, then that is enough. It is still confirmation that we love you and that you aren't alone, ever, Bella… ever." Then he began to whisper so fast that I couldn't keep up with his words and I knew that he was eventually pulled away from me forcibly, but that was all I could remember.

"_Tell me all about your day, Darlin'" _

I sighed. Best. Part. Ever.

I began to relay my day to him in vivid detail through my thoughts as I puffed slowly on my cigarette. I was in no hurry at all for this time to end. I showed him how I had helped Jake get the kids ready to go to La Push, and all the housework and errands I had accomplished during the time they were gone. He was as thrilled as I was that I finally found a cleaning product to help me get the permanent black marker ink off of the toilet, bathtub and linoleum floor in the kids' bathroom. I still had no idea when Beth did it or how she got a hold of that damn marker that was usually stored on the top shelf in the chuckled again at my insistence that Rachel had given her the marker. I had been ranting about this for over a week, but he didn't seem to mind, he always just listened and tried to offer suggestions.

I told him about Masen and he seemed concerned but was just as confident as Jake that the remedy I had given him would do its job and all would be well by morning. I also shared my worries about Beth, and he assured me that she was just going through a phase and the swearing thing would blow over in no time. He said that I should try to ignore it as much as possible and only make an issue of it when absolutely necessary.

We just sat in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of the neighborhood interspersed with Jake's occasional laughter filtering through the sliding door. I sighed when I took the last drag from my cigarette. As I exhaled, I bid Jasper good night.

"_Good night little Darlin', if you need me, just give a holler and I'll come runnin'."_ His chuckle emanated through my thoughts and then he was gone.

I snubbed out my cigarette in the coffee can I kept hidden in one of the planters, returned my pack and lighter to their hiding place and pulled my sweater more tightly around me. I had just about opened the sliding door when a small black form blurred past me and into the house.

Juliet.

She was our two-year-old rescue cat and the so called bane of Jake's existence. He said that it was an absolute insult to dogs everywhere that I insisted we keep a cat as a pet. Truth be told, he loved her and she him, but neither would ever admit it.

I replaced my sweater and shoes in the closet and then went into our ensuite bathroom to have a shower. The bathroom was small and very basic but I loved it. I had painted it a lemony yellow to match the bedroom and added sage green accessories and bath mat. It was a happy room.

I showered quickly and then got ready for bed before returning to the bedroom. The end credits were rolling across the screen and Jake was still chuckling as he turned off the T.V.

"Which one was it?" I asked as I opened a drawer in the dresser and pulled out one of Jake's black T-shirts. I tossed the towel that I was wearing onto the chair beside the bathroom door and pulled the shirt over my head.

"Um," Jake stuttered momentarily, causing me to smirk knowingly. "It was the one where Peter gets adult sized footie pajamas that cause him to shock everyone when he wears them because of the static electricity. This leads him to think that he is actually Jesus."

"That's a good one." I said with a laugh as I ran my brush through my wet hair.

"Uh, yeah, a good one." He parroted and I knew that he had no idea what he had just said. I could see him in the mirror and he was watching me very intently. Juliet had made herself comfortable on the pillow above his head and was almost asleep, completely oblivious to the fact that she would soon be unceremoniously removed from the bed.

He began humming that song again and it reminded me of something I had been meaning to do. I powered up the laptop that was sitting on the dresser and typed 'lyrics akon right now' into the search engine. I clicked through the different websites that came up and felt smug as I realized that my suspicions had been correct. It was _'I wanna make up'_, not _make love_, which, as I read it through, actually made no sense at all. The guy rhymed _up_ with _up _like, four times. Just more proof that true creativity was dead. Satisfied that I now knew the truth, I snapped the laptop shut and went to go check on Masen.

The thermometer said 98.6 and I was flooded with relief.

I stopped by the kitchen on my way back to the bedroom and liberated a can of whipped cream from the shelf in the fridge.

I smiled as I opened the door to our room, listening to Jake singing his song in earnest now. I picked it up where he was at and entered our room holding my present behind my back and singing along with him, "I wanna make love right now na na…"

~~~***~~~

**A/N****- Wow! I am so incredibly humbled by the response this story has received. To everyone that has read, reviewed, alerted and favorited - thank you from the very bottom of my heart. My cup runneth completely over, you guys, there really just aren't adequate words…**

**Thank you so much to Keira and all the awesome ladies at Les Femmes de Twilight (the link is on my profile). The faith that you have in me and my writing absolutely astounds me. Your love and support makes this story possible… **

**Please go check out the cool cherry popping feature that they did for me, it's EPIC!**

**This was betaed by the amazing and incomparable Meddz, who knows exactly when to push, when to pull and when to go make out with Mafiaward in the corner and leave me to deal with my own crazy… ily bra. **


	3. I Would Die For You

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Song- I Would Die For You by Jann Arden (the live version with her and Sarah McLachlan is really good too)**

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Masen's cold spread through the house like a wild fire. I knew that Bethie was coming down with it when she came to me on Monday at lunch time and told me that she was so 'thausthted' and wanted to lay down. And that was something that just never happened. It hit me on Wednesday, starting with extreme fatigue followed by a fever, body aches, sore throat and sinus congestion. I took as much remedy as I could and tried to sleep it off since Jake stayed home to help me with the kids.

By Saturday morning, we were all feeling much better and I got up as usual to get the kids ready to go to La Push with Jake. He was still asleep even after I had them dressed and fed which was unusual. I went into our room to check on him and noticed that he was curled into a ball on his side of the bed and appeared to be shivering. Juliet was curled up on his pillow, almost on top of his head and that was something that neither one usually permitted.

I touched his forehead and was instantly concerned by the coolness I encountered, despite the fact that he was basically wearing a thermal cat hat. It was just not right. I ran the back of my hand down his cheek and rested it there for a minute. It was ice cold. His shivering intensified and, after a moment he whispered weakly,

"Hey, Carrot, I feel kinda crummy. I don't think that I can go to La Push today." His eyes were still closed and he grimaced as he continued, "I'm freezing to death and I can't seem to stop shaking, do we have anything for that?"

"I'll go check, honey," I said, as I grabbed the spare quilt from the closet, doubled it up on top of Jake and then tucked it tightly around him so there were no drafts. I kissed him softly and promised to return shortly.

I went out to the kitchen, pausing in the living room long enough to take the kids' shoes off and get them settled in front of a movie. I let them know that Daddy wasn't feeling well and they would not be going to La Push. In the kitchen, I tossed a couple of hot packs into the microwave and turned it on. I looked in the cupboard beside the stove and pulled out the small wicker basket full of remedies. What do you give for a non fever? I had absolutely no idea.

I slowly traced my fingers over each of the small vials, waiting a few seconds before moving on to the next one. Eventually, I heard the voice that I had been waiting for.

_Try this one, Bella, it's for the sudden onset of illness and appears to be the wisest choice given the circumstances. _

Praying that the Carlisle voice was right, I put the vial into my jeans pocket. I proceeded to make Jake a cup of honey, lemon and ginger tea before collecting the hot packs and heading back to the bedroom.

After tucking the hot packs in with him and giving him the remedy and his tea, I called Sam. The panic that I had felt when I first realized that Jake was sick began to bubble up as I explained the situation to Sam and he reinforced the truth that I already knew—Wolves don't get sick. Sam said that he was going to pick up Billy and then they would be right over.

The kids were still watching their movie so I went in and sat with Jake, letting him know that Billy and Sam were coming. His chills had calmed slightly but he said that he still was not feeling well so I gave him another dose of the remedy. With the slightest hint of irritation, I picked up the pair of perpetually discarded socks from the floor by his side of the bed. I could always be guaranteed to find them there no matter how many times I asked him not to do that. I chucked them at the laundry hamper that was sitting beside the closet door. He asked if I would grab his sweats, T-shirt and a hoodie from the closet and I did. I helped him dress and was quite alarmed at how frail his body suddenly appeared to be. I knew that I wasn't imagining things as I gazed upon his diminished upper body that just last night I had kissed, caressed and clung to. I had felt the strength in the muscles of his arms as they held me as we moved together. The heat of him against my bare skin had been both searing and healing just like it always was. I did not understand how things could have changed so suddenly and drastically. I tried not to let him see the fear and panic in my eyes. I tried to smile as I helped ease his shirt and hoodie over his head but it faltered when I realized that my usually robust and strong husband was almost completely relying on me to keep him upright. I helped him with his sweat pants, then I slipped clean socks on his feet, readjusted his hot packs and re-tucked the covers around him as tightly as I could. He was struggling to keep his eyes open so I kissed him again and left him to sleep.

I went and sat with the kids for a few minutes, but found that sitting still increased my anxiety tenfold. I went into the kitchen and began assembling the ingredients to make banana chocolate chip muffins. I had just put the first batch in the oven when I heard multiple car doors slam outside. I looked out the window and saw Sam pushing Billy up the front walk. They were followed by the rest of the wolf pack. I swallowed thickly, knowing what I already knew but hating to see the visual confirmation on my front lawn—the situation was very, very, bad.

The next few hours were a whirlwind of activity. I was literally run off my feet trying frantically just to keep up with all that was going on in my crowded little house. Upon seeing Jake's rapidly deteriorating form, Billy and Sam immediately made the decision that Jake should try to phase. The thought was that it would be easier for him to fight whatever it was he was fighting as a wolf rather than as a man. After discovering that Jake lacked the ability to even stand on his own, Sam and Paul ended up carrying Jake out to the forest behind the house. The rest of the pack followed and Billy and I stayed in the house with the kids. The concern was radiating off of Billy and I couldn't bring myself to ask him what he thought about the situation. I stood in front of the sliding doors in our room with Juliet at my feet. Both of us motionless as we stood watching the backyard and waiting to see a glimpse of the russet wolf. Instead, after about twenty minutes or so, I saw Sam carrying an unphased and very exhausted looking Jake back toward the house.

"It didn't work," I told Billy as I walked back into the living room to where he was sitting with the kids. "They're bringing him back in now."

"Okay, Plan B." Billy sighed heavily. He withdrew a black fabric sachet from his lap and held it out to me, "Bella, go boil some water and then pour it over a tablespoon of these herbs and let it steep for exactly fifteen minutes. Bring it to Jake as soon as it's ready and repeat the process every half an hour until I tell you to stop."

I nodded, relieved that there was a plan B and wondering if there was a C and D in case this plan failed like the last one.

I spent the better part of the afternoon making and administering the tea that Billy 'prescribed' for Jake. I was grateful for the busy work that kept my hands full and my mind focused on the task at hand. I tried not to focus on the fact that it seemed to be having no effect on his condition and in fact he seemed to be getting worse but a small corner of my mind was in full-on panic mode and hoping beyond hope that there was in fact a Plan C.

Billy came into the kitchen just as I was finishing up the latest batch and assembling it on a tray with a couple of muffins and some sliced fruit. Jake had absolutely no appetite, preferring to sleep rather than eat. I tried to get him to nibble on something each time I brought him his drink, but I could only get a few bites into him at a time.

"Bella," Billy said in a voice laden with sadness and defeat, "after you deliver that to Jake, will you please meet Sam and I in the living room?"

I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest and the bile rising to my throat.

_They're giving up, oh my God, they're giving up._

I helped Jake drink his tea and eat a few bites of his snack. Then I warmed his hot packs again and replaced them in the bed, and I gave him some more of the homeopathic remedy. And smeared mentholated salve on the bottoms of his feet, replacing his socks when I was done. And I used the washroom. And brushed my hair… and my teeth.

I checked on Jake again. He had fallen asleep. Juliet was again in her place on his pillow watching me warily. I looked around the room to see if there was anything else that I could do before I went into the living room. I looked at Jake's sleeping form. So much of the man had been lost in such a short time and I didn't understand why. As I watched him, I could see more and more of the boy re-emerging. It was both fascinating and terrifying.

"I won't give up, Jake, no matter what they say out there. I won't give up. You fight from your side and I'll fight from mine and we will win. We. Will. Win," I whispered quietly into the room, before slipping through the door and closing it gently behind me.

The atmosphere in the living room was tense. Sam was already seated on the sofa beside Billy in his wheelchair and they were speaking in hushed tones. The rest of the house was eerily silent and as I sat down on the oak coffee table across from them, I knew that we were the only ones there, aside from Jake.

"The boys took the kids for a walk, Bella. Little Biffy was quite ticked about not getting to come to La Push today so we thought maybe a trip to the park and ice-cream store might help to fix that." Billy informed me. His hands were folded in his lap and his eyes were on his shoes. Sam was watching him intently. I tried to smile but responded in a voice that betrayed my false calm,

"I'm sure it will. Beth never met an ice cream that she didn't like. Thanks for arranging that."

He nodded,still looking down. When he finally looked up and his eyes met mine, I froze. Literally. I could not stop the violent shiver that forced its way up my spine and spread through my limbs like molten ice. Those ebony eyes that met mine were so much like Masen and Jake's but held so much more wisdom, experience and— knowledge. He knew something about this situation. He knew. And what he knew wasn't good.

"There are so many legends, Bella, so many stories that have been passed down among our people. There are more stories than there is time to tell them, quite honestly. It wasn't until I saw Jacob this morning that I remembered the story about The Wasting."

"The w-w-wasting?" I stammered out as I looked frantically at Sam, who closed his eyes and whispered,

"The wasting…you're right, that's exactly what it is, I had forgotten that story, it always seemed so farfetched I just dismissed it as truly being folklore." He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hands.

Billy reached over and patted Sam's back sympathetically, "I always did too, Sam, though I should have known better now that more than half of those stories have proven themselves to be true." He shook his head and muttered bitterly, "I'm a naïve old fool, how could I have been so stupid? So many similarities, how did I not see any of them before now?"

"Please," I cried not being able to take the suspense any longer, "please, tell me what is happening to my husband? How do we stop this wasting?" I felt sick and scared. I pulled my knees into my chest and hugged them hard, hoping that I was strong enough to hold myself together as I knew their words were about to rip me apart.

"The legend occurs during the time of the spirit warriors, somewhere between the time of Kaheleha, the first great Spirit Chief, and Taha Aki, the last great Spirit Chief. It is said that there was a son of a man who had been the Spirit Chief but had been killed. This son should have become the next Spirit Chief but another had already assumed the position. This warrior son refused to fight the other man for the role and was content in being second in command. Much like what happened with Sam and Jacob. The young warrior fell in love with a woman but she wasn't his spirit wife or what we now call an imprint. It didn't seem to matter though, they had children and lived their lives just like everyone else." Billy paused and looked at me thoughtfully before continuing.

"Anyway, one day a strange illness came to the camp and affected everyone that was not a spirit warrior. It wasn't a fatal illness but it hit the camp hard and fast. I guess it would be called a pandemic by today's standards." He shrugged and moved slightly forward in his chair and I nodded my understanding up to this point.

"After the illness had passed, the young wolf warrior became gravely ill though not with the same exact symptoms as the rest of the tribe. The way the legend describes it, it was like his earthly body and the spirit warrior inside him were no longer compatible. His body began to revert back to the state it had been in before he had learned to release his spirit self. He was no longer able to leave his body and assume his spirit warrior form. They called this process the wasting, as it appeared like he was wasting away before their very eyes. Once the reverse transformation was complete and the body had been almost completely decimated, the spirit left the warrior's body and went to exist in the realm beyond this one.

"The other warriors were able to commune with the spirit before it departed this world. They learned that the spirit had been weakened by the choices that the young warrior had made until it had no choice but to leave the warrior's body permanently." He finished sadly.

I allowed his words to wash over me, to penetrate me with their brutal truth permitting only one conclusion no matter how hard I battled against accepting it.

"Jake's going to die and there is nothing that we can do to stop it?" I half asked, half stated.

Billy and Sam both nodded at the same time. Sam's head was still in his hands and his shoulders were trembling slightly. Billy looked right at me and nodded again.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"No!" I almost shouted before I remembered that Jake was sleeping. "No, can't he just take the Alpha role? If this is being caused because he's not the Alpha then he needs to become the Alpha. You're the Alpha, you have power so just, I dunno, make it so!" I gestured wildly toward Sam.

Sam lifted his head wearily and sighed, "I wish that it was that simple, Bella, but if he wants the Alpha title, he has to fight me for it and we have to mean it. I can't just assign it to him, that isn't how it works. He can't even phase, Bella, there is no way that we can fight."

"Okay fine, then we get him to imprint. Maybe that will slow the process down or give him enough strength so that he _can_ fight." I could do this. If it was a choice between losing Jake to another woman or losing him to death then I would choose the woman. Jake imprinting was something that I had thought about a lot over the years. There were different points in our relationship where the fear was stronger than others. Quite frankly, I had begun to think that it was never going to happen because everyone except Seth and Jake had imprinted within their first year of phasing. Billy had always said that the legends never said that imprinting happened to everyone, just that it did happen. I had been lulled into a false sense of security but now the rubber was definitely meeting the road. I realized that I would much rather have Jacob Black on the Earth and in the arms of another woman then not have him on the Earth at all.

"So, you are going to invite a bunch of strange women to parade through your bedroom to look at your husband who can barely keep his eyes open and currently looks like death warmed over?" Sam asked me incredulously and then continued, "the kind of woman who would respond to that cattle call would not be the woman that Jake would imprint on. And there is no way that Jake would go for that even if you did manage to arrange it. He doesn't want to be with anyone other than you, Bella."

"Even if it would save his life?" I practically shrieked.

"It won't, Bella," Billy said softly, hunching down slightly in his wheelchair, "the time for that has passed."

"Okay," I said, my mind scrambling to find another plausible solution since it appeared that I was the only one even attempting to find one. "That story happened a lot of years ago, there has been so many medical advances made since then, surely there is something that can be done? Someone we can ask? A doctor?"

Sam sighed heavily, "And how does that conversation go exactly, Bella? Um, Hi, Mr. Human doctor can you please check over our friend who appears to be dying of an ancient illness that only affects very specific werewolves, cuz, oh yeah, he's a werewolf and we need you not to tell anyone about this but make him all better even though we have no idea what is making him sick aside from a series of life events that were s'posed to occur but didn't, mkay?"

I wanted to be angry with Sam, and part of me was, but a bigger part knew that he was right. The secret had to be protected no matter what. I knew that was why the tribe always took care of their own illnesses and I had learned a lot about that in the short time that I had been with Jake. I also knew that Billy was considered to be the authority on remedies and methodologies for the tribe, so if he didn't know what to do, no one would.

_Ask them for permission to call me, Bella, I can help your husband. _

I jumped upon hearing the voice, completely startled and also embarrassed that I didn't think of him until he invaded my thoughts.

"What about Dr. Cullen?" I blurted out. "He already knows the secret and you know his silence is guaranteed because of the treaty and the nature of his own… situation," I faded out as both Sam and Billy were vigorously shaking their heads no.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I know that this is hard information to absorb but there is no way in hell that we are giving that bloodsucker and his whole coven an engraved invitation to infest Forks again. It's just not going to happen and I know that Jake would agree with me. We have worked too long and too hard to protect this town to willingly offer it up on a platter for those leaches to feast upon." He was trying to hide it, but I could see his hands beginning to shake at the idea of vampires of any kind returning to Forks.

"It's not like that and you know it, Sam. That was the whole reason that the treaty was formed in the first place, because they are different." I was yelling now but I didn't care. Everything was slipping away and I wasn't going to let it go without a fight. I made Jake a promise and by God, I was determined to keep it.

"Mmm hmm, so different that you were almost served up for your own birthday dinner once isn't that right, Bella?" He asked smugly.

"It was a misunderstanding, Sam, and I think that I know a little bit more about it considering I was the one that was there and not you." I wanted to smack that know-it-all smirk right off of his face but I knew that would do nothing to further my argument.

Sam opened his mouth to refute, but Billy's raised hand stopped him. "That's enough. Sam, is it your final decision that Dr. Cullen is not to be contacted?"

"It is," Sam said quietly, "there is absolutely no proof that Carlisle Cullen would bring anything to this town except trouble and I cannot take that risk."

"Then that's that." Billy's voice was gruff with an emotion I couldn't name. "The discussion is over and Bella and I accept your decision."

In my mind, I was screaming every obscenity I could think of. I focused my gaze on Sam and when he finally looked at me, I spoke,

"Then you get to tell my children, Sam, because I refuse to lie to them. You get to tell them that their Daddy is going to die and while there is something that could be done to help him, you won't do it. You get to tell Masen that Daddy won't be there to help him ride his two-wheeler or build the addition on the play-yard he was planning or take him to see the Thomas the Tank Engine show when it comes to Seattle. And you get to tell Bethie that there will be no Daddy to walk with her to her first day of preschool in the fall, or help her learn to swim in the ocean or walk her down the aisle, Sam. You tell them about how it's all for the greater good, I'm sure that they will understand. I'm sure that they won't mind. What's one life anyway? It's not like anyone is depending on him or anything. It's not like anyone loves him and couldn't imagine their lives without him."

Again, he opened his mouth to speak but there was nothing more that I wanted to hear from him. I went into the bedroom, _our bedroom_, and lay down on the bed beside my husband and Juliet.

He stirred with my movement and opened his eyes.

"Hey," he greeted me groggily.

"Hey," I whispered, moving as close to him as I could. Curling into his side, with my head resting on his blanket covered shoulder, willing the tears in my eyes to stay at bay, my hand stretched across his chest, resting over his heart. How many more beats would it get? I tried to hold very still and tried to feel them through the thick coverings.

There was a knock at the door and I called for whomever it was to come in, like there was any doubt. I rolled my eyes when both Sam and Billy came into the room asking if they could have a few moments to talk to Jacob.

"Sure, but I'm not going anywhere," I proclaimed defiantly.

"We would never ask you too, Bella," Billy said calmly before asking Jacob how he was feeling and if he felt like the symptoms were getting worse. Jake said that, for the most part now, he just felt very tired, like he had been running for days and days without rest. Billy began to relay the story of the wasting to Jake completely skipping the part where I had requested that we contact Dr. Cullen for help. When he was done, Jake was silent for a few moments before speaking.

"Well, that's good to know." That was all he said. I held him as tightly as I could trying not to let him know that I was crying, hoping that the blankets I had placed on him were thick enough that he couldn't feel the tears that I was flooding into them.

The front of the house was suddenly filled with voices, alerting us to the fact that everyone had returned. Suddenly, Masen and Bethie were standing in the doorway to the bedroom. Both children were wearing the remnants of their ice creams on their faces and their T-shirts. Sam and Billy made room for them to enter. Sam helped them to climb up on the bed to sit on the other side of Jake cautioning them not to bump or climb on Daddy. The rest of the pack crowded into the doorway with knowing looks on their faces—they already knew.

"You thtill thick, Daddy?" Bethie asked, as she stuck two of her fingers into her mouth and sucked the residual ice cream off of them.

"Yeah, Daddy's just tired, Bethieboo, that's all." Jake smiled weakly. I had to help him unwrap his arm so that he could put his hand on the hand that wasn't in her mouth.

"Whatevah majah lootha, wight Unca Pau?" She began to giggle and Paul chuckled from the doorway as Jake made a face at her and said,

"I'll show you majah lootha," while trying to tickle her side.

Masen didn't look convinced however, and was watching me speculatively from the corner of his eye. I'm sure that my eyes were red from crying and my face was probably splotchy as well.

"What's wrong, Mommy?" he whispered timidly to me. He was holding Bethie to keep her from falling off the bed as she wriggled and squirmed from Jake's meager attempts to tickle her.

"Nothing," Sam interjected as I was beginning to speak, "Mommy's just fine, Masen, in fact she needs to get up and go make a phone call before all your aunties arrive with supper."

I looked at him incredulously, raising my head from Jake's shoulder I asked, "Really?"

"Yes, go do it before I change my mind." I kissed Jake's cheek before rising from the bed and going over to the laptop on the dresser. I put Carlisle's name into the search engine and got a number with a New York area code and no address. I entered it into my cell phone and went to walk out of the room. As I passed Sam, he grabbed my arm firmly and said cryptically, "Only yellow, no red, you make sure." I nodded my understanding and went into the living room and then up the stairs to Beth's room. I was sitting on her princess bed, holding the phone in my hand and wondering what I was going to say, when the door opened and Seth came in. He flashed me his goofy grin and sat down beside me on the bed causing it to dip. He produced two shot glasses, handed them to me and proceeded to fill them.

"A little liquid courage never hurt anybody." He raised his glass to me in silent toast and waited for me to do the same. We downed our shots at the same time and I held mine out for a refill. He poured for me again and filled his glass and we drank them down as well. The liquid burned and numbed, and I have never been more thankful for anything in my life then I was in that moment. It was a momentary buffer from the immense fear and anxiety that I was feeling. Seth reached into his pocket and pulled out two Milano cookies that he had obviously heisted from my secret stash and handed me one.

"Cheers to gooey," he said, as he touched his cookie to mine.

"Cheers to gooey," I repeated and took a bite of my cookie. "I'm going to have to find a new hiding spot," I said with my mouth full.

"Don't bother, I'll just find that one too." He grinned and motioned to his nose, inhaling exaggeratedly.

I finished off my cookie and stared down at the phone sitting in my lap.

"What's the worst thing that could happen?" Seth asked softly.

I sighed. "He could still be angry with me that I was the reason that they had to leave Forks. He might think that I'm trying to stalk Edward because I want him back or something."

"Well, he is a doctor first and foremost, isn't he?" I nodded.

Seth continued, "Then you make sure that he knows up front that this is a professional call. You could even ask if he knows of anyone else who may specialize in this area of medicine and that you are willing to take any advice that he has to give on this matter."

"He might say, no he won't help, and then Jake will definitely die." I whispered.

My eyes were focused on the Dora the Explorer night light that was flickering in the corner casting shadows around the darkening room. It was twilight. Another day was over and if I didn't make this call, I knew for sure that Jake wouldn't have very many days left.

"Dial the number, Bella," Seth whispered and then took a hold of my free hand, squeezing it tightly.

I listened to the phone as it pinged around trying a few different lines before finally being picked up by an answering service. Instantly, Dr. Cullen's rich tone informed me that my call was important and that I should leave my name, number and a message and he would return my call as soon as possible. My stomach dropped to my toes as I listened for the beep. I took a deep breath and then proceeded to leave the most formal and nervous message of my life. The tears were streaming down my face as I pushed the end button and collapsed into Seth's waiting arms.

* * *

**A/N-**** Thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited and alerted this story. I love you all so much and am so very grateful for all of your support. You have all been so patient with me while waiting for me to hurry the hell up and bring Jasper in already. The good news is that he is not only in the next chapter but it is in his POV! **

**My beta is the awesome and incredible Meddz. I would be perpetually uncool if it wasn't for her!! Her stories are listed under my favorites and I highly recommend that you check them out as well as everything else listed there…**


	4. Thief

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Song-**** Thief or All You Did Was Save My Life or The End Is Where We Begin or Clumsy by Our Lady Peace (So, yeah, Meddz and I couldn't pick just one so please let us know which one you think fits best) **

**I'm so sorry to everyone who felt that the last chapter should have had a high 'tissue advisory' on it. I am new to all this and it didn't even occur to me! I will try to post it at the beginning of each chapter from now on. **

**Tissue Index= medium-high **

**OooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOoo**

**Jasper POV**

It was early evening when I pulled into the long driveway and up to the front of the house. Alice, who had been jumping up and down nervously on the front porch just a moment ago, was suddenly at my window gesturing for me to roll it down. I turned off the vehicle's ignition and opened the door instead. "Tryin' to come through the window to get at me when the truck's not even in park yet _– _you miss me that much, honey lamb?" I drawled with a smirk and a wink.

She smacked me on the shoulder, "Knock it off, smartass!" She looked past me and toward Carlisle who, having exited the passenger side, was removing his bags from the back seat.

"Carlisle, I don't know why, but I feel very strongly that you need to check your messages as soon as you get into the house. Your phone rang about an hour ago and I have felt uneasy ever since," she explained.

I could feel it coming off of her and knew that she wasn't exaggerating; she was definitely anxious and frustrated. I smiled at her gently and surrounded her with feelings of empathy and understanding because I didn't like to see her upset.

The past five years had been very difficult for everyone, but for Alice especially. Her life had definitely changed the most. She still pined for Bella and the friendship that they shared. She was changed so deeply and profoundly by having Bella in her life that, for her, there really was no getting over it. She had made the decision to end our relationship immediately after the incident at Bella's birthday party. I had understood and there was no drama, no BIG conversation, it was just over and that was it. Vampires are constant creatures, it takes a lot to change us and when we do, it's permanent. As much as we resisted it, in the end, we were all changed irrevocably by our last experience in Forks.

When we left, Alice also began having difficulty with her visions. Over the past five years they have been progressively diminishing to the point now where she can really only see the weather, which only further compounds her feelings of loss and depression.

I took her hand and we followed Carlisle up the stairs and into his office where Esme was waiting to greet us. After they exchanged a quick yet passionate embrace and some pleasantries regarding the success of our hunting trip and her adventures with Alice and Rose at a new mall, Carlisle hit the speaker button on his phone and dialed into his messaging service. We listened as it connected and he entered his password. He had three new messages. The first was from another doctor at the hospital requesting to switch a shift with Carlisle next week. The next message was an invitation for him to speak as a guest lecturer at a university on the west coast. As the final message began to play, the person on the line drew in a deep, ragged breath before beginning to leave their message. That breath told us everything we needed to know.

"Bella," I whispered.

Before she had even begun to speak, the air in the room was disturbed by the arrival of the remaining members of my family. Rose, Emmett and Edward breezed in and took up places in the now quite crowded study. Their faces were a mirror image of the concern felt by us all. What horrible thing could have possibly happened that would have Bella Swan calling us five years after we had abandoned her? My mind swam with the possibilities.

The voice that none of us thought that we would ever hear again began to fill the room, soaking into each of us to the very fiber, re-igniting and reminding us of that which we couldn't possibly ever forget.

"Hello, Dr. Cullen, this is Isabella Swan-Black calling."

I could tell instantly that Carlisle was disturbed by the formality of her tone, like she completely expected him to not know exactly who she was.

"I apologize for the intrusion, but I am in desperate need of advice on a particularly serious and sensitive medical situation that has arisen with a member of my family."

Her voice broke on the last word. I could hear the fear and terror behind her words as she took a deep breath and then continued to speak.

"This type of situation requires someone with your specific skill set and level of discretion. If there was anyone else that I could call on this matter, please know that I would. I understand if you feel that you would be unable to assist me at this time, but would greatly appreciate a call back either way."

She then left at least three contact numbers and finished the call by thanking Carlisle profusely for his consideration of the matter and that she looked very forward to hearing from him soon. At that point, she was no longer able to hide the fact that she was outwardly crying and we could hear her sniff slightly before hanging up. The message finished and then clicked off, Carlisle pushed a button to delete the messages and then another to turn off the phone.

The room was silent, no one was so much as breathing. The overriding emotion after the initial surprise was one of concern and uncertainty. It took me a moment to realize that Carlisle and Edward were having a silent discussion. Carlisle was looking pointedly at Edward who was periodically nodding or shaking his head slightly. Of course… Wasn't that just the way? King Douche of Turd Island got to have the first say over everyone else, just like always. The important decisions always got made before any of us even got the chance to voice an opinion.

Alice was sobbing into Esme and whispering, "I can't see, I don't know. I don't know." Rose and Emmett were taking in the scene and feeling confused and irritated that no one was saying anything.

When I had finally had enough of that shit, I cleared my throat and instantly six sets of eyes were on me.

"I think that, being as we will all be affected by the decisions that are about to made here, the least we could do would be to discuss this out loud where _everyone_ can hear it." I looked pointedly at Edward and Carlisle.

"Of course, yes, you are right, Jasper, I apologize." Only Carlisle looked abashed. Edward just glared at me, probably not appreciating my 'King Douche' thought from earlier. Oh well, it wasn't the first time I had thought that about him and it wouldn't be the last and if he didn't appreciate my thoughts then he should stay the fuck out of my head.

I nodded my acceptance at Carlisle and ignored Edward.

"I think that I should call her back," Carlisle began. "We all know Bella well enough to know that she would never ask for help unless she seriously needed it. I think that it is important that we find out what this situation is that she is dealing with before we decide on a course of action, agreed?" We all nodded in agreement with his words.

With that, he put the phone on speaker again and dialed the first number that she had given him. She picked up on the first ring. Carlisle gave his first name only and greeted her as 'Bella' so that she would know that he had not forgotten her and wasn't going to stand on ceremony with her. She thanked him profusely for returning her call so promptly and, acknowledging how important his time was, she asked if she could briefly explain the situation to him. He answered in the affirmative, inquiring if she was the one that was hurt or injured. She explained that it was her husband that had taken quite ill after a flu virus had gone through the rest of the family without incident.

We already knew from a previous reconnaissance trip to Forks that Bella had married a Quileute werewolf, but she didn't know that we knew. She explained this to Carlisle and he was in agreement with her that he had never heard of a werewolf taking sick the way that her husband had. Bella was truly terrified as she described his symptoms and how he actually seemed to be disappearing before her very eyes. She was going into detail about the different forms of tribal remedies that had been tried already and didn't seem to be having any effect on slowing the progression of his symptoms when Carlisle mouthed to all of us, "I'm going to tell her I'm coming, yes?" We all nodded in agreement immediately. When Bella had finished her description, Carlisle told her that he would be at her door when she awoke in the morning and that he would do everything that he could to find out what was happening to her husband. She was so overcome with relief at his agreement that she began stuttering her thanks and gratitude amongst her sobs. He assured her that he would see her very soon and ended the call.

It was agreed that we would all make the journey to Forks with Carlisle but that he would be the only one to make contact with Bella initially, while he assessed the situation.

We all went about making arrangements to be away for a possibly extended period of time before leaving for Forks.

Carlisle took Esme, Alice and Edward in the Escalade while I had Rose and Emmett with me in my truck. Both vehicles were silent as we sped along the quiet highway towards the Washington State line. I couldn't even describe the thoughts and feelings that were coursing through me and I was more than thankful that Esme had insisted that Edward ride with them and not me.

Edward's feelings for Bella had changed. He still loved her and would always love her but the passion and need for possession had been overridden and replaced with a driving need to know that she not only continued to exist in the world, but was also thriving in it. His contentment and peace with his own existence came solely from knowing that she was still a part of the world and that she was actively living the life that she was meant to before she met him or any of the rest of us. He came to this realization when he returned to Forks to claim her on what turned out to be her wedding day. Nine months after insisting we all leave, he returned to declare his unending love for her and arrived just in time to see her and Jacob Black emerging from La Push in a rebuilt rabbit with a 'Just Married' sign on the back. Alice told me that he had followed them all the way to a hotel in Seattle and that his epiphany had occurred when he heard them greeted as Mr. and Mrs. Black and watched them be escorted to the Honeymoon Suite. The rest of the family was greatly concerned that she would marry so young and so soon after Edward's departure from her life, but Edward was thrilled that she had moved on and he renewed his vow that it would continue to be like he didn't exist for her and insisted that went for the rest of us as well. The situation had to be very serious in order for him to allow us to return to Forks.

"I really hope this goes better than last time." Rose spoke more to herself then to anyone in particular as she sat next to Emmett in the back seat and stared out the window.

"It couldn't be any worse," Emmett muttered.

"Don't say that, Em," I said as Rose sighed heavily.

"You gotta let it go, Jay, you can't keep carrying it – any of it. You weren't responsible for what happened." My only response was a raised eyebrow in my rearview mirror.

"Well, except for the part where you were creeping outside her bedroom window watching her get it on with her husband," she added.

"I wasn't _creeping_!" I stated matter-of-factly, "it's called surveillance and it is a necessary part of any successful reconnaissance mission."

"Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying. Yet you're still beating the shit out of yourself when you're the one who saved her life." She kicked the back of my seat for emphasis. I sighed.

"I guess," I conceded, "I just hate that she seems to have to get hurt every time we, 'help her'. Yeah, I even made the air quotes which made Em snicker.

Rose shrugged. "This conversation is getting really old but for the seventy-ninth and final time – Isabella Swan was supposed to die the very first day she met Edward, end of! Everything since then has been a concerted effort to fight fate. The fact that she only ends up slightly wounded each time is nothing short of a freaking miracle. Eventually, her luck's gonna run out and I just hope like hell that none of us are around when it finally does."

I just nodded, knowing better than to take her on when she was so riled up.

"You helped her, Jazz. Yeah, she got hurt but you saved her and that's what you have to remember, man." Emmett said with finality. "Come on, baby," he said, pulling Rose closer to him, "let's rock this truck."

I groaned and tried to ignore her responding giggle.

"You wreck it, you bought it," I told the tangle of limbs in the rearview mirror before flipping it up so I couldn't see the debauchery occurring in my back seat. This was the risk any of us took when we agreed to let Rose and Em ride with us.

I reached over and turned the stereo up – loud. The music washed over me as I tried hard to focus on the lyrics and not the groans emanating from the back seat.

My mind began to drift back to the last time we had visited Forks.

_It had been three years since we had originally left Bella. While Alice had begun to have fewer and fewer visions, the ones that she had been having were disturbing her greatly. They were always of Bella and they always ended with Bella making plans to die by her own hand. The methods were becoming more and more painfully realistic which was indicative of Bella's increasing commitment to her plan. Alice had begged and pleaded with Edward to let her return to Forks to check on Bella, and after he witnessed an incredibly upsetting vision through her thoughts, he agreed. _

_It was a few days before Halloween, and the neighborhood was all dressed and ready for the macabre holiday. Bella's house was no exception, despite the fact that it was clearly in the middle of undergoing extensive renovations. The toys in the yard of what used to be Charlie's house, led me to believe that Bella now had children and they were expanding the house to accommodate. I could hear that a young child and an infant were with her inside and the television appeared to be on a channel geared solely for preschoolers. Happy voices and joyful music filled the air inside the home. However, it took me all of about five seconds to assess that the overriding mood was anything but happy. The depression and sadness were so stifling that I had difficulty processing it; the air was so thick with it that I could almost see it and touch it. In fact, I actually spent a few minutes contemplating my own suicide before I was able to get it under control. Edward said nothing as he watched me battle back against the strongest emotions that either of us had encountered in a very long time. His focus was on the house and the sense of longing from him was overwhelming. I knew without asking that he had never before wanted to hear her thoughts more than he did in that very moment. _

_We stayed through the day and into the evening, just watching, and in my case, feeling the house. As we listened to Bella go about her day, she sounded very mechanical and disengaged, like everything she was doing was scripted or rehearsed. I could feel absolutely no joy emanating from her whatsoever even when she was in close proximity to the children. Both her cell phone and the house phone would ring periodically but she wouldn't answer either one. _

_The mood didn't change when Jacob arrived home. His sadness only added to hers though his was also laced with frustration and a helpless desperation. Edward told me quietly that Jacob half expected to find Bella dead in the house with the children crying at her feet. He could tell from Jacob's thoughts that he didn't know what to do to help her. He was very afraid of making it worse even though it made him angry when she didn't answer the phone just so he could know that she was alright._

_They spoke to each other in quiet, clipped tones. He describing his day, and she making acknowledgements in all the right places, but for all intents and purposes she just wasn't there. When he asked her specific questions, she would answer them, but she offered nothing to him beyond that. _

_Shortly after dinner, Bella emerged from the house for the first time all day. She picked her way through the building materials in the back yard and leaned against a large pallet of wood. From our vantage point at the inner edge of the forest, she was almost standing directly in front of us. Edward and I were absolutely stunned. She was so thin, way too thin to be healthy. Her skin and her clothes hung on her. Her hair was dyed a jet black and I knew enough from my time with Alice that she had used a flat iron on it to remove any of her natural waves. Her usually fair skin was an unnatural russet shade, seemingly caused by a combination of a tanning bed and tinted self tanning lotions. It was very obvious that she was trying to look like her husband and his tribe, but in actuality, she looked like hell. She withdrew a package of cigarettes from her sweater, pulled out one, put it to her lips and lit it. She smoked it quickly and then used it to light a second cigarette, using that one to light a third. After she was finished, she pulled a bottle out of another pocket and took a drink. As soon as she removed the lid, I could smell that the contents of the bottle were definitely alcoholic. She drank until the bottle was half empty before recapping it and hiding it within the pallet._

_She went back into the house but returned a half an hour later to chain smoke three more cigarettes and finish off the contents of the bottle. Her movements were slow and less precise and we could tell that she was quickly becoming completely inebriated as she made her way back into the house after hiding the empty bottle at the bottom of a trash can sitting in the yard. _

_Jacob had been bathing the children and getting them ready for bed and he asked Bella if she would come upstairs to kiss them goodnight. We could hear her as she stumbled her way upstairs and half heartedly mumbled sweet dreams to each of the children. She told Jacob that she was going to take a shower and we could hear her as she fumbled her way through that task, her emotions all over the place as she went from sobbing to giggling hysterically to sobbing again. Finally, she found her way to the bed and crawled in with a sigh. Her exhaustion was palpable._

_Jacob went around the house closing windows and locking doors. When he got to the sliding doors in their room, he paused before closing them and inhaled deeply. He immediately looked out toward the exact section of forest where Edward and I were hidden. He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed, never taking his eyes off the forest._

"_Hey, Sam," he greeted upon hearing a voice on the other end, "you won't believe it. It's the funniest thing, we've still got mosquitoes hanging around the back yard even though it's almost November." _

"_That is funny, Jake," Sam answered without a hint of amusement in his voice, "is it the same kind that has been in Forks before or would you say that they're different?"_

"_Definitely the same ones, Sam, the ones that Bella is so allergic too. It would be very bad for her to be __**stung**__ right now."_

_I definitely didn't need to have a hundred years worth of military training to know that Jacob just gave Sam the code for 'the fucking Cullen's are in my backyard and I may need backup' Edward nodded as he listened to both mine and Jacob's thoughts. _

"_Bella and the kids in the house right now, Jake?" Sam asked._

"_Yeah, kids are sleeping and Bella's in bed." Jacob replied._

"_Okay, man, you just do what you need to do to keep her there." Sam then continued the ruse. "I'll be by with some bug spray in a little bit." _

"_Kay, man, thanks." Jacob said, before ending the call._

"_We've got about ten minutes to get out of here," Edward said, yet neither of us made a move to leave. _

_Jacob continued to stand at the sliding doors. He wasn't afraid and he was totally prepared to fight despite Sam's directive to stay in the house. _

_From behind him, Bella whispered, "Baby, c'mere."_

"_Sure, Carrot, just give me a minute," He said over his shoulder, never taking his eyes off of where we were standing._

"_Jake," Bella moaned quite wantonly, "I need you."_

_Cursing under his breath, Jacob muttered as he cast one long look in our direction before opening the door a little wider, "First time she's wanted to in three months and it would have to be now." He then turned and walked toward the bed, shedding his clothes on the way._

"_Jake, I'm sorry. I know it's bad, I want to be better. I promise to do better, just… please… I need you," Bella slurred almost incoherently._

"_I know, Baby, its okay, I need you too, I need you so badly," Jacob murmured amidst sounds of lips on flesh and skin on skin. "It's gonna get better, Bells, I promise it will, you just can't give up, okay?" _

"_Okay, Jake," Bella whispered. Then all sounds became primal and need driven. Edward and I had an unfortunately excellent view into the bedroom through that open sliding door. We saw her straddle him and they moved together rhythmically. She looked far too frail to withstand the force of the movements, yet she appeared to be the one setting the pace. It was wrong to watch. Both Edward and I knew it but neither of us could turn away. She was reaching her climax and I was pleased that, for just that moment, her cloak of extreme sadness had seemingly been shed with the rest of her clothes. I could almost feel joy and peace emanating from her._

_The wind shifted slightly, blowing through my hair and toward the house. Suddenly Bella's back arched and as she reached her peak and fell over the edge, she cried out,_

"_Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh… oh… oh… JASPER!"_

_Oh shit!_

_She cried out again, but this time it was in pain as the form underneath her suddenly shifted and a giant clawed paw shoved her roughly from the bed before charging through the screen door. It took him two huge leaps and then he was on my chest, snarling viciously in my face. I lay completely still beneath him, my arms out and palms facing up. If I were him, I would rip me apart too; I could not fault him his anger one iota. Edward spoke quickly into his cell phone and then sat down with his hands crossed in his lap, making absolutely no attempt to help me._

"_Do what you will and believe what you will, Jacob Black, I assure you that my brother and I hold no ill intentions toward you or your family. We apologize greatly for our indiscretion. If you feel that destroying Jasper will help you feel vindicated, by all means do so, I won't stop you but I do believe that your time might be better spent seeing to your wife's injuries. I have a feeling that she is probably feeling very guilty and upset right now and is likely in need of medical assistance." We could hear her crying weakly and calling out softly to Jacob repeatedly,_

"_Jake, I'm so sorry, please, just please, come back…" _

_The large wolf nodded and began to back off of me as five more wolves appeared and quickly surrounded us just as the rest of our family arrived. Carlisle quickly took control of the situation and requested to be allowed to attend to Bella. Sam phased back into human form and quite the argument ensued until Esme stepped between them._

"_Please, Sam, with all due respect, the priority here is Bella, she is wounded and disoriented. We know that we have no right to be here and, in our attempt to help Bella, we have hurt her – again. Please let us fix this and then we will go and we won't come back this time." After some discussion about whether or not it was safe to allow any of us around a bleeding Bella, Sam led Carlisle and Esme toward the house. Everyone else remained at the edge of the forest. _

_Bella was curled in a ball on the floor near the foot of the bed and appeared to be drifting in and out of consciousness. Esme gently covered her nude form with a blanket before picking her up and placing her on the bed. She made sure that Bella was well covered and comfortable before allowing Sam or Carlisle to enter the room. Carlisle assessed Bella's injuries quickly and methodically. She had four straight gashes of varying lengths and depths right above her left breast._

"_It appears that you only grazed her, Jacob, and there is very little blood loss," Carlisle spoke as if he was in the room with him. I could feel Jacob's relief emanating from him as he stood the closest to the house, listening to every sound coming from within. _

"_I think she's only going to require a few stitches on the longest ones, the other two aren't even that deep and I believe that they will heal quite well on their own." He mused._

_Just as he was preparing to stitch the wounds, she began to awaken. _

"_I think that it is best if she remains unconscious for this part," Carlisle said to Sam. "Her blood alcohol level is too high for me to administer any kind of anesthetic at this point. My son, Jasper, has the ability to cause sedation. Could I please have him come and assist me?"_

_The wolves standing with me in the forest all began to growl their displeasure. Sam silenced them with one word and then asked if it would be possible for me to perform the task from right where I was. Technically, it was possible, I knew it and Carlisle knew it, but Sam and the rest of the wolves didn't, so Carlisle told him that I needed to have direct contact with her for it to be the most effective. He knew that I needed the chance to apologize to her directly and it may very well have been the only opportunity I ever got._

_Sam conceded, and I slowly walked through the yard and entered the house. The walls had been freshly dry walled and were awaiting a coat of paint and towels were scattered about on the open subfloor to prevent splinters on bare feet. The only furniture in the room was the large bed and a matching dresser that held a clock radio and two baby monitors that crackled softly in the background. Esme was already sitting on the bed beside Bella's head. She was holding her hand and talking to her softly while Carlisle stood at her other side waiting for me to sedate her. _

"_I'm dreaming, aren't I?" Bella asked weakly._

"_Yes, angel, we both are." Esme whispered as I sat down near Bella's feet. She looked right at me._

"_Jasper? You're here too?" Her brown eyes were wide as she tried to process the information in her incapacitated state._

"_Of course sweet pea, we're all here and we brought the leprechauns and fairies with us too." I said calmly as I reached one hand under the covers to touch her foot. She jumped slightly and then relaxed into my touch._

"_I felt that," She murmured as I began to allow feelings of fatigue and lethargy to envelop her._

_So did I, Bella. _

"_Mmm Hmm," I said instead. "And do you feel this too?" I asked as I focused all the love for her from all of my family members and surrounded her with it just as she drifted away. Her face lit up with the most radiant smile before sleep claimed her completely. _

_My eyes never left her face as Carlisle worked deftly over her. I wondered what could have possibly happened to her to make her so incredibly unhappy. I tried to ask Sam but he ignored me and kept his eyes on the three of us like he had been commissioned with guarding the three most dangerous people in the world – and I guess, to him, he had. _

_It took no time at all for Carlisle to finish and as he was securing a large sterile gauze pad over the affected area, he asked me to reduce my influence over her. He wanted to make sure that she had not sustained a concussion from the fall and needed to know that she could wake up on her own._

_It didn't take long for her to begin to rouse. Sam asked me to keep her pretty drowsy, mimicking the effects of the alcohol that had since worn off. He felt that it would be best if she continued to think that we were a dream. I agreed and kept my hand on her foot, enjoying her warmth. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked at me again._

"_Hi," she said sleepily, "you're still here." _

"_Yup," I said casually glancing at Sam, "that's how dreams work, you're still asleep, so I'm still here."_

_She moved like she was going to say something else but Carlisle interrupted and her head snapped in his direction as soon as he began to speak. _

"_Bella, does anything hurt?" He was doing the doctor thing and shining his light in her eyes and palpating her neck as he spoke._

"_Just my heart, Carlisle, and I know that you don't have anything for that," she whispered sadly._

"_Tell me," Esme said leaning forward so that Bella could see her face since Carlisle was still holding her chin in his hand. "What happened to you, sweet baby angel, what broke your heart so badly?"_

"_Everyone I love leaves me," Bella's voice was barely audible. "I'm not enough, can't do enough, can't be enough, and then they leave. You left and Alice and uh Edward and my uh… my uh…" She began to sob uncontrollably and I took the love and devotion that Esme was feeling and gently filled Bella with it. Her sobs began to calm and she sniffled slightly before continuing, "Jake's gonna leave, it's just a matter of time, I know it's gonna happen though… and then I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I could live through it."_

_Sam moved very quickly and tossed a pair of sweat pants out through the sliding doors and into the yard. In the next moment, Jacob came running into the room wearing those same pants._

"_Honey, no, Carrot, listen, I'm not going anywhere, no matter what, Bells." He pleaded with her as he knelt at the side of the bed. "Please, you have to believe me, I would never leave you and the kids."_

_Bella looked at him skeptically, "I know that you won't want to, Jake, but you'll have no choice. I know how it works."_

"_Honey, you're killing yourself worrying about something that might never happen and if it does, we will work something out, I will work something out, you will never be alone. I promise, Carrot."_

"_We could stay," Esme said quietly, as Sam and Jacob began shaking their heads. "Yes," she said, looking directly at each of them, "we could stay, she needs a family."_

"_She has a family!" Jacob stated vehemently, jumping to his feet and stepping away from the bed as his rage threatened to overtake him. "She's dealing with some stuff, but we are helping her through it. She's going to be fine!"_

"_This," Esme said, gesturing toward Bella in the bed, "is not fine, in fact, I would go so far to say that this is the exact opposite of fine."_

"_You would stay for me?" Bella asked incredulously, looking from Esme to me to Carlisle and back to Esme as we all nodded our heads slowly. She was instantly filled with joy and a hope that she hadn't dared allow herself to feel in what I was guessing to be a very long time._

"_And what about the kids, Bella? If the Cullen's come back, the kids are guaranteed to become werewolves someday and not just our kids, Bella, everyone's kids." Jacob said quietly. And just like that the joy and hope were gone – extinguished with a few spoken words. _

"_I don't want that," she whispered, almost apologetically. "I have a baby girl, I uh sh-sh-she can't become a wolf, not if I can do something to prevent it. She deserves a better life then that, they both do, all the children do." Sam and Jacob both nodded their agreement._

"_I can leave my number though, right? She could call me, we could chat on line… I don't have to be living here in order to have contact with her and be her friend," Esme stated as if it were settled that we would be permitted to be in Bella's life even if from a distance. But both Jacob and Sam shook their heads._

"_No," Sam said with finality, "it is in Bella's best interest if she thinks that tonight is a dream and no more. I can't permit you to leave anything with her from tonight except the memories of a dream. Carlisle, I would actually like to amend the treaty to include this piece of property as Quileute territory since Jacob lives here now."_

_The realization hit us all instantly. That one moment was all we were going to get and then we would have to go our separate ways again, and for Bella, it would be like none of it had ever happened. Jacob could make up a story about how she got the stitches and she would never even know that we had been there or how close we had come to staying with her permanently._

_Carlisle agreed to the amendment adding the condition that Jacob promise to send regular e-mail updates regarding Bella's physical and emotional recovery._

_After everything was settled, Carlisle returned to Bella's side. I was still influencing her emotions and causing her to believe that she was dreaming even though she was wide awake. He gently took her hand in his and brushed her hair out of her face in a very fatherly gesture. Esme was still snuggled in tight on the other side and I have never seen either of them look more doting or parental._

"_Bella," Esme began softly, "it's best that we don't stay this time, but, sweet angel baby, you have to know that we do care so much about you and we are so sorry for anything that we have done to hurt you. We never want to hurt you and we don't want to have to leave you now. Please know that, if we could, we would stay with you for as long as you would have us."_

"_But, you are with me, I do hear your voices sometimes. I'm not sure why, I'm probably crazy, but I'm alright with that," Bella said confidently, like she had given it great thought and she truly would rather hear our voices in her head and be considered crazy than not. Her confidence wavered slightly as she saw the concerned look pass between Esme and Carlisle. _

"_I don't suppose that you hear my voice though, do you?"_

"_Of course we do," I asserted from the end of the bed. Everyone's eye's snapped in my direction. "We have photographic memories, Bella, everything plays just as clearly today as it did the day that it happened, even if that day was a hundred years ago. All we have to do is think about you and there you are standing in the middle of the room just as clear as day. And you, Bella, leave the most vivid of memories behind you, trust me on that one, sweet pea." I finished with a wink._

_She looked at me curiously for a moment, "What happened to your accent? You're always calling me Darlin' and Sugar and telling me to make hay while the sun shines. You don't sound like you."_

_I started to respond but Carlisle cut me off. _

"_It's almost like she created versions of us in her subconscious mind to replace us when we left so that she didn't feel completely abandoned. "_

"_Are you saying she's going schizo?" Jacob asked from his position by Sam at the sliding doors. They both stood with their arms crossed, silently sending us the message that we had definitely overstayed our welcome._

"_No, what I'm saying is that she developed a coping mechanism to help her the last time we left and maybe we can use it this time to help her overcome her depression. She has an inherent need to maintain a connection with us even when we aren't here, I'm just wondering if we could strengthen that connection."_

"_What are you proposing… you want to do some kind of brainwashing on her?" Jacob asked skeptically._

"_Not at all," Carlisle explained, "but if we could each be permitted to leave her with a message, something that she could hold on to so that she knows that she isn't alone _—_something that could be a part of her foundation while she rebuilds herself, that's all I'm asking."_

_Jacob nodded his understanding and glanced at the clock radio on the dresser. "Okay, but make it quick, Bethie is due up in about an hour and I would like Bella to get some actual sleep before then."_

_Carlisle nodded and he and Esme both looked at Bella intently. "Bella, listen, you are a very special girl, an unforgettable, one in a million type of girl, there is no way that we could ever forget you or stop loving you. You marked us all and we will be forever changed because of it. I need to know that you know that." Bella nodded slowly. _

"_Okay," he continued. "Then what I need you to do is know that I trust you to take care of you, Bella, that's the job that I am giving you. You need to keep this body healthy and that means eating more food, drinking less alcohol and no more smoking, Bella. Will you do that for me?" She nodded sadly and then added, "I hear Jasper the best when I smoke though."_

"_Maybe just one a day?" I ventured. "And it definitely needs to be of a lighter brand." She looked at Carlisle expectantly and he smiled._

"_Okay, it's a deal, but only one per day and no smoking around the children."_

"_It's a deal." She beamed brightly, the hope she had felt earlier just beginning to glimmer through the surface of her sadness._

_Esme brushed a few stray strands of ebony hair off of Bella's forehead and ran her finger down her over-tanned cheek. "You are so beautiful inside and outside, angel girl, stop trying to be someone else because who you are is who you are supposed to be. I want you to be the best you that you can be and I want you to do something every day that makes you feel beautiful. Promise me that you will."_

"_I promise, Esme." Bella whispered solemnly._

_The rest of the family was permitted to file into the room one at a time to leave their message with Bella's subconscious. Rose told her to take care of her babies and to cherish every single moment with them and to take lots of pictures. Emmett told her to think about something that she really loves to do and then to figure out what she needs to do in order to do it. He gave her some suggestions like scrapbooking, cross-stitching, mastering Motor Storm on the Playstation 3. The last one made her giggle and she promised him to try that one for sure. On his way out, he paused when he got to Jacob and looked back over his shoulder with a mischievous smirk, "Oh and Bella? You should definitely get a cat!"_

_When Edward came in, he knelt on the floor beside her, took both of her hands in his and said simply,_

"_Live, Bella, just live and be happy, every day." Then he kissed her forehead. He moved to go back out the door, but paused as he neared Jacob, an unspoken question passing between them._

"_She was my mother," Edward stated simply. "She would be very honored to know that your children carry her name."_

"_Yeah, I figured it must be something like that," Jacob muttered, arms still crossed, his hands clenched into fists._

_Edward nodded to both Jacob and Sam before slipping silently from the room._

_Alice came next and she slowly climbed up on to the bed beside Bella and just held her until Jacob cleared his throat. _

"_Don't fear the future, Bella," she whispered as she placed a kiss on Bella's cheek before leaning so close to her ear that her lips were touching it and I felt Bella shiver, "I still see you, Bella." She kissed her cheek again and then she left the room so quickly that it caused Jacob and Sam to inadvertently growl as the glass on the sliding doors rattled._

_A tear was trickling down Bella's cheek and I reached forward to wipe it away. I took her hands in mine and silently apologized for everything that I had ever done to cause her pain. I filled her with my remorse and regret. Her eyes locked with mine and she squeezed my hands as she tried very hard to reciprocate. Slowly, I felt it begin to fill me and steadily take over every other emotion in my soul. _

_Forgiveness. _

_Bella forgave me._

"_Thank you, sweet pea," I whispered as I tried to think about what message I wanted to leave with her._

"_It's not the same without the accent." She mused, almost to herself more than anyone. _

_As sad as I felt for having to leave Bella again a thought occurred to me that made me smile. I put on my best Texan accent and leaned in even closer to her._

"_You live in our hearts, Darlin' and we live in yours, that isn't something that anyone can change. Believe that when you need us, we will be there, sugar, if it can only be in your thoughts, then that is enough. It is still confirmation that we love you and that you aren't alone, ever, Bella… ever." Knowing that I wouldn't have much time to execute my plan once I started, I leaned forward and breathed in her ear faster than her conscious mind could comprehend, "Isabella Marie Swan-Black, hear me now, Darlin', I will be with you always. From the moment that you light your cigarette until you extinguish it, you will feel me beside you, hear me talk to you, I will respond to your every thought. I will be there, you can tell me anything and I will listen, I promise. I will never leave you, this is one promise that you can always count on no matter if you're makin' hay while the sun shines or not." I made sure to chuckle so that would register in her mind as well. "Good night little Darlin', if you need me, just give a holler and I'll come runnin'" _

_Strong arms grabbed a hold of me then and I was yanked from her but I kept my eyes on her as I was escorted roughly from the room, her brilliant smile forever etched behind my eyes. _

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

I was jolted back to reality with a kick to the back of my head.

"Kick me again, and that foot is coming off and going out the window," I promised without looking in the backseat.

"Aw, C'mon, Jay, it took six hours to find it the last time," Emmett whined from behind me.

"Then best to not be kicking me again, Jackass," I warned, completely prepared to follow through on the threat. "Aren't you freaks done yet?"

The words were hardly out of my mouth when I heard a distinct ripping sound followed by two loud moans.

"Tell 'em what they've won, Johnny!" I said in my best cheesy announcer voice, "Well, Rosalie and Emmett Cullen-McCarty, you've just won the opportunity to purchase a new fully customized truck for one Mr. Jasper Whitlock." I even made fake crowd cheering noises in keeping with the game show theme.

"Totally worth it," Rose and Emmett mumbled in tandem.

"But I'm not calling you Mr. Whitlock." Rose added.

"Whatever," I muttered, "I'll put the order in when we get to Forks and get ready to pay up big time cuz I really liked this truck."

I sighed. Not because of the truck, even though I was pretty pissed about it, but because I truly did hope that this visit to Forks would be better than the last time. That this time Bella wouldn't end up being hurt in any way shape or form. Despite my fears, I was excited to see her. Jacob had kept up his end of the bargain and had sent regular updates to Carlisle via Rose and Em's web based auto detailing and design business. He even sent pictures of Bella so that we were able to see that she had kept her promises and was actually allowing herself to enjoy her life. I really hoped that Carlisle would be able to help Jacob because I knew that he did truly love Bella even if he did smell like a wet dog. Also, Bella would be devastated if anything happened to him. If I knew anything, it was that Bella definitely didn't deserve to have any more pain brought into her life, but I couldn't shake the feeling that that was exactly what was about to happen.

The one and only thing the I knew with any kind certainty as we drew ever closer to Fork's was that whatever happened, we would all most assuredly be affected by it — because if anyone had the ability to permanently change seven vampire's lives it was Bella Swan-Black.

**A/N-**** Again, I just thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of the kind reviews, favorites and alerts. You humble me to the ground you guys, and I couldn't love you more! If you have found this story as a referral from someone else, please let me know so that I can thank them as well.**

**Thank you so much to my baby sis KayLA, the originator of "King Douche of Turd Island"! She rocks so hard cuz she reads my stuff even though she has absolutely no interest in reading SM and thinks that the original story line is 'kinda lame'! Everyone should have a sister like her!**

**Thank you so much to Meddz, my beta supreme! Do you know that she had this chapter back to me within two hours of receiving it? There just aren't words to describe that level of awesomeness! **


	5. Say

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs-****Say by John Mayer – This story now has a play-list! The link is on my profile, I would love to know what you think of it.**

**Tissue Index****= The Highest and it has been suggested that a pint of Ben and Jerry's may also be in order! **

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

"_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now…"_

_Airplanes by BoB featuring Hayley Williams_

I stayed awake all night just laying beside Jake and watching him sleep – finally understanding the allure of it. The wasting process seemed to slow down when he was sleeping, but I could still see that it was happening. He looked so much like he did when we first met, back when he was no more than a boy. Even the stubble on his chin had receded – the skin there now was baby smooth. I tried to commit it all to memory, never allowing the panic to overtake the peace of mind I was clinging too knowing that Dr. Cullen would be arriving in the morning.

Juliet maintained her vigil throughout the night as well, leaving only once to eat and use the litter box we kept for her in the bathroom. I garnered no comfort from her as she watched us both with steely, unsleeping eyes giving me the impression that she was just waiting for something to happen.

I battled with whether or not I wanted to know what she knew to the point that I finally asked her in guarded whisper, "He is going to be alright, right?"

Her eyes met mine purposely and then she looked away.

"You're wrong," I told her firmly. "You'll see." Neither of us would look at the other for the rest of the night.

Jake's eye's fluttered open around seven o clock.

"Hey," he whispered weakly, squinting though the room was still quite dim.

"Hey sweetheart, how you feeling today?" I shifted up so that I was blocking the little light that was coming in from the window.

"Pretty much the same, Carrot." He tried to move his hand out from under the covers. It wasn't working, so I helped him. He grasped at my fingers with all the strength of a newborn baby but I held firm for the both of us. I began to massage his cool fingers, trying to increase the circulation, wanting them to be warm… they felt so foreign like this. I traced my finger around his left ring finger relieved to see the words '_Forever Bella_' still clearly formed to create his permanently inked wedding ring.

"We should talk about some stuff, Bells, you know, just in case I… you know…"

"No," I interrupted as I tried to swallow back a sob, "No, Jake, you can't think like that, you have to believe that Dr. Cullen can fix this or it won't work."

"I know, Bells, but listen 'cause there are some things that I want to tell you – things that you need to know."

I was shaking my head vehemently. I knew what he was trying to do and there was no way I was going to let him.

"There is nothing that I need to know except that you are going to be alright Jake and we are going to get through this together, just like always. We are not saying goodbye today, Jacob Black and that's final." I leaned in and gently kissed his lips, deepening the kiss only slightly before pulling back. He inhaled deeply and then stopped – a look of horror appearing on his face.

"What, honey, what is it?" I whispered softly as I gently stroked his hair and tried not to feel alarmed. Was he in pain? Had I hurt him with a simple kiss?

"Oh, God, Bells, I'm so sorry, I didn't know… didn't realize, Carrot, you're…"

"NO JACOB! I said NO GOODBYES! That goes for apologies, regrets and any other negative thoughts that are rolling around in that beautiful head. You have to let it all go, Jake, or you won't heal. Please, Jake, please, this is so serious. Only let the positive in. Promise me!"

He nodded slowly, inhaling again and wincing slightly and I saw a single tear begin to journey down his cheek. I leaned in and kissed it away.

"You are going to be fine, Jake, but you just have to rest and focus on healing now. Soon enough you'll be back to normal and I am going to expect you to start picking up your own socks off the floor," I said as I began dressing him for the day and purposefully threw his used socks on the floor beside the bed. I always found it so irritating to see them there, but now it brought me comfort and a sense of purpose – a goal to strive for. I was going to see him well enough to pick them up and then I promised myself and whoever else was listening, that I would never again nag him for leaving them there.

"Are you hungry? I can get you anything that you would like for breakfast," I asked, as I pulled off his hoodie and T-shirt.

"Nah, I don't think I could handle anything right now, honey, I'll let you know if it changes though," he panted out as he tried to help support his upper body as I pulled the new T-shirt over his head.

I had just finished getting him dressed when I heard a soft knock at the front door. Quickly, I tucked the quilt around Jake and then smoothed my hand through my hair and tightened the elastic holding my pony tail. I was still wearing my jeans from yesterday and my light blue T-shirt was sporting a lovely brown stain in the center from where Bethie hit me with her meatball at dinner last night. But I didn't care and I couldn't contain my joy as I ran to open the door. There stood Carlisle Cullen, looking exactly the same as the last time I had seen him almost six years ago. Relief washed over me and though I wanted nothing more than to launch myself at him, I resisted and extended my right hand toward him instead.

"Carlisle," I began remembering his insistence over the phone last night that I use his first name, "thank you so much for coming, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this."

He gripped my hand and shook it gently before pulling me in toward him for a hug. "Bella, you had only but to ask."He hugged me to him gently yet firmly and it felt just like home. A small piece of my heart had been craving such a moment for six long years. Pulling back slightly, he cupped my face with both of his hands, and gazed at me intently, his golden eyes searching for something. "I wouldn't have thought it possible, but you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you." His eyes darted away quickly, then returned and he smiled as though he had just thought of something funny. He released my face and took my hand instead. I was surprised but instantly comforted, in fact from the moment I opened the door I felt better, like someone had wrapped me up tightly in a security blanket and all my fears and worries could no longer reach me. I figured that it just meant that calling Dr. Cullen had been the right choice and that he was going to be able to help Jake.

I led him in to the front hall and closed the door. Turning, I heard footsteps on the stairs. Masen was helping Bethie down the stairs but he froze when he caught sight of Carlisle at the bottom.

"Carlisle, these are my children, Masen and Bethie." I beckoned for them to come further down the stairs. "This is Dr. Cullen and he is here to help Daddy to feel better." I looked pointedly at Masen, hoping that would help ease his fears since my little boy obviously knew way too much about who Carlisle really was.

Bethie giggled and instantly flung herself at Carlisle from the forth step from the top. He caught her easily. But it made my heart skip a beat none the less.

"Bethie, that's not safe." I chastised, but she was oblivious as she hugged him like she had known him all of her life. He just chuckled and carried her into the living room in one arm while holding his black medical bag in the other.

"You sure are an enthusiastic little one, aren't you?" he asked good naturedly.

"No, I'm two but I'm turning fwee weally thoon. Wanna come to my birfday? You can bwing me a big pwethent!" Carlisle laughed heartily.

I extended my hand toward Masen. He took it tentatively and walked hesitantly with me behind Carlisle and Bethie, watching his little sister with grave concern.

"You're weally gonna make my daddy bettah, Doctah Cuwwen?" Bethie asked as Carlisle set her on the couch. Masen climbed up beside her and put a protective arm around her shoulders. I put the TV on the children's channel for them and then tucked them in with the blanket from the back of the couch since they were both still in their pajamas and bare feet and I didn't want them getting chilled.

"I'm definitely going to do my best to try, Bethie." He patted her head gently and she settled in to watch The Backyardigans with Masen. I walked with Carlisle toward the bedroom but he stopped me as I reached for the doorknob, his cool hand squeezing my shoulder. I turned to look at him, leaving the knob unturned.

"I am going to try, Bella, I hope that you know that, but I can't make any promises except that I will do everything that I can to try to help your husband. From what you have already told me, this doesn't sound like anything that I have ever encountered before, so I just want you to know that from the start, okay?" He was watching me intently, awaiting my response. I could only nod. I could not let go of my belief that he could fix this. I knew that he could, we just had to get in there so he could start trying. He sighed and released my shoulder and I opened the door.

While Carlisle examined Jake, I went into the kitchen and made the children some breakfast. I called them into the kitchen when it was ready and after they were finished, I took them upstairs to get dressed. Bethie was almost completely potty trained but still wore a pull up at night just in case. She always took great pride in taking it off in the morning and seeing that it was dry. After much discussion, we picked out blue jeans and a pink T-shirt that said 'Daddy's Little Angel' on it. She insisted on wearing one purple sock and one red one and I agreed because I just didn't have it in me to fight with her on that one. I took her back downstairs and then went to help Masen. He could use the washroom by himself and brush his own teeth but he still liked me to help him pick out his clothes. I chose jeans and a deep red T-shirt that had metallic red swirls all over it. I was helping him into his jeans when he looked at me pensively and whispered so quietly that I almost had to lip read.

"He's a Cold One Mommy." It wasn't a question; it was a statement of fact. I inwardly cursed Billy and his all encompassing sense of urgency to pass all of the legends of the Quileute tribe to the next generation of wolf warriors… even though there hadn't been a new phasing in two years. Masen's eyes were huge and his fear was palpable. He put his hand on my arm to stop me from pulling his shirt over his head.

"We have to run away, Mommy. You get Daddy and I'll get Beffie and we'll go to La Push. We're not safe here, Mommy." He allowed me to finish putting his shirt on him and then he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward his bedroom door.

I stopped him gently and knelt down in front of him. "Masen, I invited Dr. Cullen to come here. It was my decision, Buddy." His eyes grew wide at my admission and he started to protest but I cut him off. "You are a very smart boy and you know things because you pay attention and that's not a bad thing. But, Buddy, you have to trust me on this one. I'm the Mommy and I was trying to do what would be best for Daddy. He has a very rare sickness and I thought that maybe Dr. Cullen could help him so I asked him to come. Uncle Sam knows and he said that it was alright." I watched him as he processed this new information and I wished to hell that we didn't have to be having that conversation right now.

"But he's a Cold One, Mommy, it's not safe." He protested in his usual hushed, somber tone.

I knew I had to offer him something other than a complete denial. "Did you notice Dr. Cullen's eyes?" I asked after a moment. "Did you see what color they are?" He nodded. "That makes him special. He won't hurt us because of his eyes. You have to believe me, Buddy, I would never _ever_ invite anyone into our home who could hurt you or Bethie or Daddy – _ever_." I searched his eyes imploringly, hoping that I could convince him and ease his fears.

"But what if they… what if they turn… red… and what if Red Ones come now that he's here?" He whispered hesitantly after a moment.

"His eyes won't turn red, Buddy, Dr. Cullen isn't like that. And, if the Red Ones come, well, we'll deal with it. I know how to deal with it." I internally prayed to God and anyone else who might be listening that the conversation could be over, but one look at my little boy told me that I wasn't going to get off that easily.

"How?" He whispered.

Yes, Bella, how indeed? I sighed and pulled him down into my lap, re-arranging us so that we could still see each other's faces. I absently ran my fingers through the short hair at the back of his neck.

"What has Grandpa Billy told you?" I queried.

"Just that you were the brown-eyed Town Girl that Daddy and the other wolves saved from the red haired Cold Woman." He whispered in his soft, barely there tones. I groaned inwardly.

"Did he tell you that I was the Town Girl or did you just figure that out for yourself?" I was having a very hard time not hating the hell out of Jake's father in that moment. The story of '_The Wolves, The Red Haired Cold Woman And The Town Girl Who Should Have Known Better Than To Get Involved With Cold Ones But Didn't_' had been added to the archives and was now told at every official council meeting. Apparently, it was also told at Billy Black's kitchen table when he was supposed to be providing age appropriate quality time with his grandchildren. The story was deliberately vague and made to sound like it happened decades ago and most people, my father included, just saw it as a quaint new spin on an old tale. But there were some who were perceptive enough to hear what wasn't being said, and unfortunately, my son happened to be one of them.

"He never said it was you, Mommy, but I just know that it was and Daddy – he's the wolf that sat with you at the top of the cliff while you waited for her to come and get you," he said earnestly. His large eyes searching mine for the confirmation I loathed to give him. I did not want him to know about these things yet.

"Okay, well _if _that were true then that would mean that there are a pack of wolf warriors in La Push who would come and protect us in the event that a red eyed Cold One ever came to Forks. And, _if_ I was the Town Girl then it would mean that I had a lot of experience around vamp – um – Cold Ones – and would know exactly how to handle them if it came to that." I said with a confidence I really didn't feel.

"Okay, Mommy." I could feel the relief emanating from him and it helped to ease the sickness I felt at having to lie to my son. I was justifying it a million different ways while also promising myself that one day I would tell him the truth. Today just wasn't the day for the '_Well, if the Red Ones ever did come and if they really wanted too, they would either kill us or turn us and it would happen faster than we could even fathom but either way we would all be screwed_' conversation. He moved to stand and I was getting ready to get up from the floor when he turned to face me again – another question dancing in his eyes.

"Mommy, if the Town Girl knew how to talk to Cold Ones then why did she need the pack to fight the Cold Woman for her?" The child missed nothing. I wasn't sure whose genetics were at fault for that but I was pretty sure that they were mine.

"Well," I said as I scooped him up into my arms and walked out into the hallway. "That was a bit of a different situation. The Cold Woman wasn't willing to listen to reason because she was very angry and her feelings were hurt and she blamed the Town Girl for that. She wanted to hurt the town girl because she was feeling so hurt."

"Kinda like when Beffie gets fus-te-rated when we are playing together and then she hits me instead of using her words?" He was twirling a lock of my hair around his finger as I descended the stairs with him still in my arms.

"Yup, that's exactly what it was like. She wouldn't use her words so that made it very hard on everybody, that's why it is so important to use our words and not our fists," I said with finality as I kissed him on the nose and set him on the couch next to Bethie. I pulled his socks out of my pocket and handed them to him.

"Show me how quickety quick you can get those guys on, ready, steady – go!" I watched as he scrambled to put his socks on as fast as he could and Bethie giggled and tried to make it harder for him by covering his feet with the blanket so he couldn't see what he was doing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carlisle come out of the bedroom and stand off to the side just watching me and the children.

I turned toward him and took a few steps in his direction my anxiety barely containable. His face was giving nothing away, and I couldn't help but think that it was because he had nothing good to tell me.

"Bella," he began softly, "I am not going to lie to you, Jacob's condition is extremely serious. I performed a thorough examination and have concluded that he indeed appears to be experiencing rapid deterioration at the cellular level. I cannot for the life of me understand why that is. I analyzed a sample of his blood and can visibly watch the cells being destroyed. I would like it very much if you could call Sam and ask him if I can have a sample of blood from a healthy pack member to compare it too and for me to test for compatibility. I believe that Jacob is going to need a blood transfusion very soon and the sooner I find suitable matches, the better. I am going to go and get some supplies from my car and then I'm going to set up an IV drip and a catheter."

"Okay." I nodded dumbly not really understanding why he needed to do those things but feeling very grateful that he had a plan for Jake's care. There was one thing that took me by surprise though, "You have all that stuff out in your car?"

"Yes, well, today I do. I took the liberty of picking up some supplies before coming here. I figured that I would need more than just the contents of my medical bag." He smiled briefly before heading to the door.

I called Sam and relayed Carlisle's request. Sam told me that he would be right over and he asked about the status of Carlisle's eyes. I sighed and made sure that he heard my annoyance as I assured him that they were as golden as ever before hanging up the phone.

Carlisle had brought in what he needed and was back in the bedroom with Jake. I sat on the couch with the children and stared at the TV, having actually no idea what I was watching. I had to redirect Bethie when she tried to stick her sock clad toe up Masen's nose and again when she decided to braid his hair, but other than that, they were very content to just sit and watch the television. That fact disturbed me greatly and I vowed that when Jake was better, we would spend as much time down at La Push as we could. It was July after all, we should have been outside and enjoying what constituted as summer in Forks.

Sam soon arrived with Jared and Seth in tow. He headed straight to the bedroom without any preamble and the guys took residence on the couch with me and the kids. There was some jostling and giggling as they each picked up a child to hold in their lap before we were blanketed in silence.

The TV droned on as first Jared and then Seth were called in to the room to have their blood tested. It continued to turn my children's brains to mush as I mindlessly prepared lunch for everyone capable of eating it. When it was ready, I set the children up at the coffee table so they wouldn't have to miss a minute of whatever the heck was on at that moment.

I heaped a plate full of sandwiches and grabbed four bottles of water from the fridge before heading to the bedroom. When I opened the door, I was incredibly shocked by what I saw – my bedroom had been transformed into a hospital room. It looked like something straight out of ER. Jacob had more tubes running out of him than I could even fathom and he was propped up on some pillows and looking at the lap top with Seth. Juliet was curled up at the foot of the bed, finally sleeping. My chair had been moved to the side of the bed and Sam was sitting in it, his feet propped on the bed. A tube was attached to his arm and appeared to be feeding a dark red fluid first into a computer on a stand, and then straight into Jake's arm.

Blood.

Sam was giving Jake his blood.

I didn't know a lot but I knew that it wasn't done like that – ever. I felt the panic beginning to overtake me as I realized that Carlisle wasn't kidding when he said that Jake needed a blood transfusion very soon. So soon that he didn't even take the time to observe the appropriate protocols.

Sam's eyes were closed and he appeared to be sleeping, but I could see his lips moving minutely.

Sam was praying.

I forced my gaze away from him and focused on Carlisle and Jared sitting on the floor in front of the sliding doors, sifting through a box full of papers. Carlisle wasn't even trying to move at human speed as he scanned each page and flipped it into a discard pile faster than I could comprehend, his arm nothing but a blur.

Jake noticed me first.

"Hey, Carrot, whatchya got there?" His voice sounded stronger and his eyes looked so much brighter.

"Sandwiches, are you – did you – want one, Jake?" I stammered, stunned by the affect that the blood transfusion appeared to be having on Jake.

"Ya, you got a roast beef one? 'Cause I could really get behind one of those." He smiled at me and I was speechless. My Jake was coming back. Slowly but surely, I could see it. Hope exploded in my heart and I returned his smile whole heartedly.

"Of course! No girly-man sandwiches for this crew, I know how you all roll." I teased and everybody chuckled.

I pulled a roast beef sandwich from the pile for Jake and set it on a napkin on the bed. I went around the room to distribute sandwiches and water bottles, being very careful not to trip over the myriad of electrical cords and medical equipment scattered all over the hard wood floor. I placed the plate on my nightstand and then climbed up on the bed beside Jake. I was mindful of all of the tubes leading in and out of him as I tried to get as close to him as I could.

I held the corner of the sandwich to his lips but he surprised me when he reached up and grabbed a hold of it himself before taking a big bite. He hummed his appreciation and thanks to me, as did everyone else, and then took another bite. He had that sandwich finished in no time and was asking for another, which I was happy to fetch for him. I sat beside him and just watched him consume the second one, completely enraptured by the sight. Jake was sitting up! Jake was holding a sandwich by himself, and eating it! Jake was getting better!

The smile on my face felt so foreign it almost hurt, yet I welcomed it gladly.

"Bella," Carlisle spoke softly so as not to startle me but I jumped anyway. "When was the last time you had something to eat?"

"Um…," I really had no idea actually. I may have had a muffin yesterday but I couldn't even remember. I had sort of been unconsciously working on the theory that if Jake couldn't eat then I wouldn't either.

I felt him place a sandwich in my hand.

"Doctor's orders," he said and then placed a kiss on top of my head before going over to check the dozen or so machines that my husband seemed to be hooked up to.

I didn't look at the others to see what their response to our interaction was. I simply took a bite of the sandwich, my stomach growling loudly in anticipation, and tried not to think about anything else. Now that it appeared that Jake was getting better, the permanent nausea I had been feeling was subsiding and I could actually enjoy my sandwich. I pulled out a few pieces of meat and set them in front of Juliet's nose. She ate them without even opening her eyes. I fed her a little more, feeling bad for being so upset with her earlier. My temperament had lightened now that I knew that I was right about Jake getting better.

I watched as Carlisle made some adjustments to the machine that was helping to deliver Sam's blood to Jacob. He said that it would be coming to a slow stop once Sam had almost given the maximum allotted amount. He went back to the box on the floor and began sorting papers once again. As I listened to the discussions in the room, I discovered that the box had been in the attic at Billy's and that the whole pack had spent the evening sifting through boxes at Billy's, Old Quil's, the Clearwater's, and Sam's since he still had some of his grandfather's belongings stored away. This one box was the only one that had not been gone through already, but as Jared and Carlisle were quickly finding out, it too appeared to contain nothing that could come close to explaining what was happening to Jake.

There were a bunch of vials, test tubes and Petri dishes lined up on the top of our dresser. I asked Carlisle what they were for in between bites of my second sandwich. He explained that he was cultivating samples that he took from Jacob, Sam and Jared as well as swabs that he had taken from around our bedroom and bathroom. He also asked if he could be permitted to take swabs from me and the kids in order to see what antibodies we had built against the virus and to see if he could create some kind of vaccine for Jake. I agreed immediately, overjoyed that he had such an in-depth plan in place. I lightly rinsed my mouth and then Carlisle swabbed my cheeks, the roof of my mouth, all along my gums and the top and bottom of my tongue. We went into the living room where the kids were finished eating and I explained to them what we needed to do. Bethie was more than willing to have it done and she went first. Masen watched closely and I noticed that he kept one hand on her the entire time, even when she tried to shake him off. When it was his turn he turned to me and asked in his hushed tone,

"Can't you do it, Mommy?"

"Of course she can," Carlisle said gently as he handed me the swab. Masen willingly opened his mouth for me and Carlisle guided me through the process of swabbing my son's mouth, taking great care to not actually touch or get to close to Masen himself.

"You are so brave, Masen," I praised as I finished up. "This is going to help us to make Daddy feel better."

Carlisle glanced at me briefly and I could not get a read on his expression. He took both swabs and returned to the bedroom.

"Want to come see Daddy for a few minutes?" Both children nodded and smiled excitedly.

"Kay, there are some tubes and stuff coming out of him that we can't touch," I said, looking pointedly at Bethie. She nodded and then I turned to Masen. "The bedroom looks a little different because of the machines that are helping Daddy, but this is still our house and he is still our Daddy, so we don't have to be afraid." He nodded meekly and took my hand, squeezing it tightly. Bethie was already across the room and opening the door to the bedroom.

Jake was lying back on the pillows when we walked in, his eyes barely open. I could tell immediately that he was weakening again. Seth was still beside him, sitting cross-legged on the bed and working on the lap top. Sam was still sitting in the chair beside the bed, but the tube had been removed from his arm. Jake was no longer receiving any blood. Carlisle was speed reading through a journal but I saw him visibly slow his pace as Masen entered the room. Jared was organizing papers and putting them back in the huge box. It appeared that they had sorted through its entire contents.

"Can we come in for a few minutes?" I asked no one in particular from the doorway. Four male voices responded to the positive, Jake simply smiled. Seth moved to the floor so that there would be room for all of us on the bed. Sam hoisted Bethie up and laid her down beside Jake, keeping one hand on her for both her and Jake's protection. I gave him a grateful smile before lifting Masen up so that he could lie on Jake's other side. I cuddled up behind him and draped my arm across him and Jake, holding them both securely to me. Juliet had shifted her position to accommodate us and she snuggled in beside my head on the pillow.

I saw some flashes of light and looked up to see that Seth was taking pictures of us. He smiled weakly and then proceeded to take more shots at different angles.

"It's okay, Mase." I heard Jake say softly. I turned my head to see Masen staring up at Jake. He had large tears rolling down his cheek and my heart absolutely fractured at the sight and I squeezed him to me that much tighter.

"Are you sure?" Masen whispered as he sniffled softly.

"Ya, Buddy, I'm sure. No matter what happens, it's gonna be okay." Jake inhaled a shaky breath before continuing. "I might have to take a little trip to a special place, but even if that happens, everything will still be okay." My breath hitched in my throat and I had to work hard to control my reaction as the molten ice once more began to climb up my spine. I knew in that moment that everyone in the room was listening to our conversation and when I chanced a glance at Seth, I saw that he was using the video feature on the camera to record us.

Damn it! Why is everyone so quick to assume the worst? Am I the only one with any hope?

"What kinda thpethal pwace? Ith it yike Dithneywand?" Bethie asked. "Are dare rideth and Mickey dare?"

Jake turned his head so he could see her. He smiled down at her. "No, Sunshine, not like Disneyland, but just as special. It's more like the beach in La Push, but warmer." I heard Sam, Jared and Seth chuckle softly. "It's a place where nobody is sick and everyone is happy all the time."

"Soundth gwate, yetth go now!" Bethie said enthusiastically.

Jake laughed weakly and my fractured heart shattered. I was assaulted by a pain so great I thought I might pass out. I made the choice to allow the tears but tried valiantly to keep my sobs as silent as I could. I felt a warm hand on my back, slowly beginning to rub soft circles.

Jared.

It made me cry harder because I missed the warmth. I wanted Jake to be warm again. I wanted none of this to be happening. I wanted my world to be tipped back on its axis. I wanted my happily ever after. I wanted the man I loved to not be dying before me and my children's very eyes.

"I'm the only one that will be going, Bethie," Jake said quietly. "You, Masen and Mommy are going to stay here with your Aunties and Uncles and Grandma and Grandpas and everyone else who loves you. But the thing that makes this place so special is that I will still be able to see you even though I'm far away. I will still be with you even though you won't see me."

"But, I wanna go too!" Bethie pouted, "itth not fair." Sam was patting her back soothingly.

"No, it's not fair, you are right about that one, kiddo, but the thing that you have to remember is how much your Daddy loves you and that he doesn't want to be away from you for even one minute." Sam cleared his throat and I saw him blink a few times rapidly. "You know that right, Buddy?" He asked Masen, who was outwardly sobbing now and clinging to Jake for dear life.

"I don't want you to go, Daddy, I love you so much," he cried as his little body shook violently with the force of his grief.

"I don't want to go either, Mase, I love you so much too. From the moment that I knew that you were in Mommy's tummy, I loved you and I've loved you every day since then." Tears were streaming down Jake's cheeks and I could see his energy draining from the effort of the discussion. "The really great thing about love is that it doesn't die and it never ends, so even if I'm not here, the love that we have will still be here. It will be in Mommy and Bethie and everyone else who loves us and that's what I need you both to remember."

"Okay, Daddy," Masen whispered jaggedly as he continued to cry and cling to Jake.

"Okay, Daddy," Bethie said as she stuck her two fingers of her right hand into her mouth and began to suck them, something she only did when she was tired or very upset.

"You know, I have a top ten list of the best days of my life. Tied at number two are the days that each of you were born. I can't even explain how happy I felt when I finally got to meet you after Mommy worked so hard to bring you to me and to everyone else who was waiting to meet you. I was so proud of Mommy. She was so tired but she wouldn't give up and then, after all that hard work, there was a beautiful baby. Each time was so amazing and I instantly fell head over heels crazy in love with you – and even more in love with Mommy." I watched him through my tears, and even though he was thoroughly exhausted, he was absolutely glowing from the memory.

"Carrot," he whispered, "can you tell the stories? I want to hear them but I don't got it in me to tell them right now, honey." He closed his eyes as he awaited my answer.

"Of course, Jake, I would be honored to," I choked out eventually through my sobs, but then turned so I could see Carlisle, who was checking monitors and IV bags. "Is that it then?" I croaked, "Game, set, match?"

He shook his head, "No, nobody's calling it yet, Bella, we wouldn't do that without consulting with you. The situation is precarious but no one is giving up hope. Jacob just wanted to start the conversation with the children so that they are prepared and aware of one possible outcome, the one that would be the most difficult to handle and the one that he doesn't want you to have to explain on your own." I nodded, relieved that they hadn't given up yet.

"What's next?" I asked, hesitantly.

"He's gonna hook me up." Jared said from his spot behind me.

"Yes, I would like to do another blood transfusion since the first one seemed so effective and it is the only thing that has worked so far, even though I have been throwing everything I can think of at him," he stated, gesturing to the IV bags hanging from the pole beside the bed. "I wanted to wait a little longer but," he paused, glancing at Jake's now unconscious form, "I think that it would be prudent to begin now."

While Jared traded positions with Sam, and Carlisle went about getting Jared 'hooked up', I began to tell the story of the night that Masen was born. Both Masen and Bethie were barely awake and Jake was most definitely asleep, but he had asked for the story, so I told it. When that one was finished, I told Bethie's.

By the time I was finished, my family was sleeping. Seth had moved back to the floor and was working on the lap top. Sam was seated behind me rubbing warm, soothing circles on my back and shoulders. Jared was sitting with his feet on the bed beside Bethie to keep her from rolling off, a relaxed smile on his face as the machine hummed away and poured his blood into Jake's body.

Carlisle seemed to have everything well in hand so I allowed myself to drift off to sleep for the first time in almost thirty-six hours.

**A/N****- *hides behind hands and peeks through fingers* Do you guys still love me? I'm so sorry, I know that was some really heavy stuff. Did you need the tissues and ice cream? Which flavor is your fave?**

**My fabulous beta, Meddz, and I actually made the choice to split this chapter as it was over 10K so the good news is that Chapter 6 is pretty much ready to post. Meddz posted a super awesome new fic called 17 Summers and it is the perfect companion piece to offset the angst of this story. It is lighthearted and fun and I'm already in love with it. FFN was total fail with alerts so it only has one little review and guess who that's from? I would love to see her story get the same kind of love that this story has been getting. Please consider checking it out. It is listed in my favorites on my profile.**

**Thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing, favoriting and alerting, I love you all so much! Thank you also to Bamababe for pre-reading this chapter for me and of course, a big thank you to Meddz for helping to control my crazy! I would be up the paddle without a creek if it wasn't for her! **


	6. Hold On

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs-****Hold On by Sarah McLachlan / Break Even by The Script. Link to play-list is on my profile**

**Tissue Index****= The Highest Possible! Grab the whole box and maybe buy stock in the company… *starts handing out ice cream* Here you go, I was told to have cherry Garcia, butter-pecan, cookie dough, Dutch chocolate, butterscotch ripple, chocolate, vanilla and sherbet ready – so take your pick… My fave is mocha chip and I'm always willing to share…**

**First things first… This is a little Sue POV that I wrote for the femmes blog during Sue week and it fits into the story right about here so I thought that I would share it with you… **

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

**SUE POV**

I lifted the towel off of the large, chipped bread bowl that had been my Grandmother's and poured the contents out onto the floured countertop. Mercilessly, I began punching and beating the unsuspecting dough. This was my therapy. This was how I coped when the going got tough, and the going was pretty damn tough right now. My mind was a hive of activity. There were at least a million different thoughts buzzing around and colliding with each other, making it impossible for me to discern them. There was just so much going on. Too much that needed to be sorted out, yet no real solutions for any of it. I hated feeling helpless and right now, I felt just about as helpless as I had ever felt, aside from when Harry died. That was different than this though. This was on its own separate plane from that –the love for a spouse being so much different than the love for a child, or, in this case, children and grandchildren.

My heart was aching because my children were aching, hell, my whole tribe was aching, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. So, I baked bread –and cinnamon buns – and muffins – and cookies. And whatever the hell else I could think of to keep my hands busy so that my mind wouldn't dwell on it. But it did. It was just different. As I punched the dough, I cursed the faceless entity that was causing all this pain and I implored another to please intervene and not let the pain win. All the while wondering if the beings I was talking to were one in the same. I didn't know what I believed, I just knew that forces bigger than me were at work here and it pissed me off. I don't care about master plans and universal order, when it involves my family, I just don't have time for any of that crap.

Leah had grown to be so strong and independent. Despite the diversity that had been thrust upon her at such a young age, she had thrived. Sure, she had been bitter and resentful at first, but eventually she had overcome it. I was so proud of her. I was proud of the leader that she had become and of the life that she was determined to live no matter the consequences.

Seth was such a gentle soul. Honestly, I think there was an error in gift distribution between him and Leah. Where she was fierce and dominant, he was passive and compassionate. His glass was perpetually half full and he was always making the proverbial lemonade from the lemons. Except for now, even he couldn't find the silver lining in this situation and I could see that troubled him greatly.

I sighed as I thought of Bella. With my marriage to Charlie a few years back, I gained another daughter. It was easy to love Bella. I didn't always understand the choices that she made, but I knew that they were motivated by love, and, since that was good enough for Charlie, it was good enough for me. I didn't know if Bella had it in her to survive this and that thought scared the hell out of me, because I was actually pretty certain that she wouldn't. It would be one tragedy compounding another. She wasn't as outwardly strong as Leah, but I had seen her battle before and she definitely was tenacious, I had to give her that. Maybe she could do it. She wouldn't have a choice but to do it, if it came down to it. Oh please, oh please – don't let it come down to it.

My hands were aching, the muscles rebelling as I continued to work the already well kneaded dough. I should be sleeping but my mind wouldn't shut off when I lay down and so here I was making bread in the middle of the night while Charlie worked the night shift. I divided the dough and set it into the loaf pans for the final rising. I took the old bowl to the sink and began running the water to wash it out so that I could start the next batch. It was then that the phone rang...

**And Now For Our Featured Presentation…**

**BELLA POV**

I awoke to the sound of someone wheezing and gasping. I forced my heavy eyelids to open and tried to focus in the direction of the sound. I bolted upright as soon as I realized that it was coming from Jake. His face was beet red and covered in hives, his lips were blue and his eyes were huge as he struggled to breathe. There was a flurry of activity occurring around us. Carlisle was moving so quickly that he was blurred into almost nothingness. Sam and Jared quickly scooped up my still slumbering children and whisked them out of the room. Seth was now seated next to the bed, a tube in his arm and a look of utter devastation on his face.

"What's going on?" I asked no one and everyone.

"He's having a bad reaction to my blood," Seth said sadly, refusing to look me in the eyes.

Carlisle had affixed an oxygen mask to Jake's face and he appeared to be breathing better. Carlisle stood beside Jake, reading from the monitor before moving to Seth and removing the tube from his arm.

"Jacob had an anaphylactic reaction," he began calmly. "I have given him the same medication that is in an epi pen." He paused so that I could nod, indicating my understanding. One of Kim and Jared's kids had a peanut allergy so I knew all about epi-pens and actually kept one for him in the kitchen.

"He's okay now, but that's the end of the blood transfusions." Carlisle came to sit beside me on the bed.

"Are you sure it wasn't just my blood? Maybe you should try again with another pack member." Seth suggested wistfully. His self-loathing was evident on his face.

"It's not your fault, Bud," I said softly.

"Bella's right, Seth," Carlisle said, "he didn't respond as well to Jared's blood as he did to Sam's. That's why I decided to try a back-to-back transfusion. It seems that his body has now built antibodies to the donor blood. I will run tests with a sample of his blood against Sam and Jared's and I am almost positive that they will result in anaphylaxis as well. It's not just you, Seth, it's whatever is happening in Jacob's body. I would wager a guess that if I ran samples against every pack member they would all come up the same at this point.

"I wanted to show you something, Bella." He produced two small Petri dishes and laid them on the bed. He extended his hand toward me and I automatically placed mine in it. "May I?" he asked as he held a scalpel up to my finger, "I only require a couple of drops." I nodded and watched as he first swabbed with antiseptic and then made the tiniest and shallowest incision on my finger. He held it over the Petri dish and squeezed five drops of blood from it before affixing a bandage to the cut. He then used his fingernail to cut his own finger and squeezed a couple of drops of a clear fluid onto my blood in the dish. I watched as the color in the dish slowly faded and the liquid became more and more transparent. He then repeated the process, only he put a sample of Jake's blood in the Petri dish and then added his venom to it. The instant the venom hit the blood, the mixture turned black. It was dead.

I knew that even if it was an option for Jake to be turned, he wouldn't choose it and I would be wrong in choosing it for him. He had been raised to believe what he did, and I had to respect that. I was glad, though, that it wasn't an option because it would have been an awfully tempting choice.

"I think that we are at match point, Bella," Carlisle said as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't know what else to do. We found a story in one of the journals but it doesn't tell us anything more than what your father-in-law and Sam can remember. I am keeping an eye on the samples that I took, but at this point, it looks like a regular run of the mill flu virus that is the cause and nothing I have given him comes remotely close to knocking it out. I'm so very sorry, Bella, I'm not saying there is no hope, I'm just saying I am out of medical options."

I nodded.

"I'm going to suggest to Sam that anyone who might like to come and say goodbye to Jacob be given the opportunity to do so, especially his father and sister."

I nodded again.

"Bella," he looked positively wretched; I had never seen Carlisle look so disquieted. "Please say something."

"Thank you, Carlisle, for everything. I'm just going to get some fresh air for a minute." He looked startled, like he had expected me to say anything but that, but then he nodded. He went to talk to Sam and I went to the closet to put on my sweater and shoes.

"You got this?" I asked Seth. He nodded, his head was in his hands and his shoulders were shaking slightly.

"I'm so freakin' sorry, Bella," he murmured into his hands.

"No, Seth, there is nothing to worry about. You heard Jake before, it's all gonna be okay, everything's okay. I won't be gone long," I whispered as I went out into the night. It was late and the air was chilled, I figured it must be around ten or so. I realized that we had all slept through supper, but it really didn't seem to matter. I fumbled around and found my cigarettes and lighter. My hands were shaking so badly that I could hardly get one to light. Finally, I got it lit and I inhaled.

"_Hello Darlin', tell me all about…"_ I cut him off.

_Jasper! Jasper! Help me, please!_ I implored him in my mind. I sank down to my knees and hunched over, remembering to keep my cigarette away from my hair. I began to rock back and forth, the hand that wasn't holding the cigarette clutched across my heart, keeping it from breaking wide open.

"_It's gonna be alright, sugar. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will be. You are strong. You can do this, Darlin'."_

For the first time ever, the Jasper voice was dead wrong.

It was not alright.

It was not going to be alright.

I could not do this.

I had one shot left, one person left to ask for help. If he even was a person – if he even existed – I didn't know. But I knew that Jake, Carlisle and most of the wolf pack for that matter believed that he did and that he could help.

"Um… Hi? I know that I don't really make a habit of talking to you and the last time – well, that didn't go so good, but I know you know what's going on and I know that you know that I'll do anything – just – please – don't do this. This has to be a mistake; this can't be the way it's supposed to go. I mean, if you need someone, if you absolutely have to have a body tonight, then, please, take me instead – please – if you never listen to anything else – please just listen to that. I'll promise you anything, just don't do this – please. Don't. Do. This. You can't – you just can't. I'm nothing without him. I just can't – I can't – I can't… Please oh please oh please oh please oh please…"

I could hear that my voice was bordering on hysteria, but I didn't care. No matter how tightly I held my hand to my chest, I could still feel my heart breaking, splintering apart one shard at a time. I could almost hear it. It sounded like metal being twisted and tormented. I could barely breathe it hurt so badly. This had to work, it just had to. I redoubled my efforts and focused on forming a coherent prayer.

"Listen, I will give you anything – you can have anything – just please, let Jake and my children be healthy and safe. That's all I ask for – that's all I need. Please, please, please, I will never ask for anything again… just, please, do this for me and I'll do anything you want – please…" I was out of words, simply whispering please over and over again, hoping beyond hope that I was being heard.

I was face down on the wooden floor of the porch, my arms outstretched, when I felt someone kneel down beside me. Turning my head, I saw Carlisle sitting beside me. I pulled myself up and sat back up on my heels. Carlisle held his arm out to me in offering and I scooted close to him as he settled it around my shoulders. He held me close to him for a moment before speaking.

"Are you done with that?" he asked, gesturing to the lit cigarette that was still in my hand. I nodded dumbly and he took it from me and extinguished it.

"Bella, even if He doesn't answer your prayer tonight, don't think that He didn't hear you and that He doesn't care about what happens to you." He sighed heavily and held me even closer to him. "I want you to know that I am not going anywhere. The rest of the family and I will be here for you until you no longer desire our presence. You won't be alone if you don't want to be, I promise." I absorbed his words. I really hadn't expected that he would stay beyond however long it took to cure Jake and now that it looked like that wasn't going to happen, I realized that I had no idea what was going to happen next. He said that the family was there, did that mean _all_ of the family? They all came with him just because _my_ husband was sick? That idea just seemed so – odd. Maybe there was a lull in all of the distractions that vampires are so fond of and they just had nothing better to do. Or maybe they were concerned for his welfare now that they knew that the tribe was phasing again. I decided that had to be the case, my decimated heart couldn't let me begin to believe anything else. Carlisle's voice broke me from my reverie.

"Jacob would like to talk to you before everyone gets here, are you ready to go back in?"

I nodded again and he helped me stand and walked me back into the bedroom. I lay down gently on the bed beside my husband. I toed off my shoes and let them hit the floor, but I kept my sweater wrapped tightly around me. Carlisle had taken the oxygen mask off of Jake and had disconnected most of the tubes.

We lay there, face to face and eye to eye. I pulled his arm across his body so that I could hold his hand.

"I think this is it, Carrot, Doc says the fat lady is getting ready for her final solo." I nodded and smiled weakly at his attempt at levity and tried to return it.

"Maybe we could pay her off or something – get her to postpone her farewell tour indefinitely or something."

He smiled. "Yeah, I sure wish we could. But, if today is the day, then so be it, but I can't go without saying this," His eyes took on a sheen as he took a deep breath and continued, "I can't leave without saying thank you, Carrot, for loving me. For being my wife. For being the mother to my children. For being my best friend. I love you and I always will no matter where I am or where you are or who you are with, I will always love you. The best day of my life was the day that you chose me above everyone else. I have no regrets honey, and I don't want you to have any either. I would have played my cards exactly the same way, don't ever doubt that, okay?"

"Okay, Jake." My voice was rough and my throat was beginning to throb from sobbing. "I love you too. It has been my honor and my privilege to have been allowed to love you and be your wife and the mother of your children and your best friend. I can't imagine life without you, Jake. I don't even want to try."

"I know, sweetheart, I know," he whispered softly. "Thank you for telling the stories earlier, I heard them, even in my sleep, I hear you – always. Make sure you tell the kids those stories a lot, it's good for them to hear them."

"I will, Jake." I promised.

We just laid there and held each other. Every once in a while, one of us would think of something to say, but for the most part we just watched each other, kissed each other, breathed each other, lived each other for the few precious minutes we had left.

The room slowly began to fill with people but Jake kept his eyes locked on mine, even as he was saying his goodbyes to others, his gaze never faltered from me. Sue brought Billy and he prayed over Jake, but he refused to say goodbye. He told him that the seasons never say goodbye, they just come and they go. Sometimes, they stay longer than other years, sometimes shorter, but they always return. So, too in life, he said, and the season of Jacob Black would return…, no one knew just when. He told him how proud of him he was and that he had brought honor, pride and integrity to the Black name and that Billy would ensure with his dying breath that generations to come would know about Jacob Black and his contributions to his people.

I was told that Charlie was working and it had been decided not to tell him since he would have insisted that Jake be airlifted to the hospital in Seattle and would have wanted more medical intervention and, obviously, that couldn't happen. He would be told later that there just wasn't time to call him as it all happened very suddenly. Sue would be able to help Charlie understand. I commended her silently for her uncanny ability to protect the secrets of her children and her people, and to love and care for my father unfailingly at the same time.

I processed it all as I lay there gazing at my beautiful soul mate, watching as each of the ties that held him tightly to this world were slowly undone and released.

I knew when the light was going out. It was a sudden shift and I saw it because my eyes were solely focused on his.

"Carlisle," I whispered, never looking away, "I think it's happening."

"Yes, it is Bella," he said from somewhere faraway in the room. I realized that he was giving a wide berth to all of Jake's family and friends, trying not to intrude on their moment but still making himself available for Jake and for me. I could feel the press of bodies against us and knew that there were more people in this room than it had ever been designed to hold, but there was only one other person that I wanted with me at that moment aside from the man who was slowly beginning his departure from this realm.

"Do you need me there, Bella?"

"Yes," I whispered as the tears began to flow from my eyes and I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of what I was about to witness. I heard and felt the shift of bodies on the bed and in the room. Then he was there, right beside me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair.

"Everything that is Jacob is getting ready to leave his body. It's just a shell. The essence of who he is will live on. I know that this is the frightening part and seems very big, doesn't it?"

I nodded, still fully absorbed in Jake's eyes. I could see the disconnecting happening and it was both terrifying and fascinating.

"He isn't hurting, angel, I promise you. He's just letting go. It's very freeing for him. He's getting ready to fly." Carlisle listened for a moment and then said, "If there is anything more that you wanted to say to him, say it now, sweetheart."

"I love you, Jacob Black," I choked out through painful sobs, "you are without a doubt, the sweetest, kindest, sexiest, bravest, 'sort of beautiful' man that I have ever met and I will love you until my very last breath, I promise."

I swear that I saw the light reignite for a brief flicker and then it was gone – fully and completely extinguished.

I watched, felt and heard him exhale deeply and then there was only silence.

"Time of death – twenty-three fifty-nine." Carlisle announced quietly into the silent room after a few minutes. He reached over and gently closed Jake's eyes whispering a blessing as he did it. I collapsed against Jake, holding him tightly to me, never wanting to let him go. The tears spilled freely from my eyes and the sobs tore through me like lightning bolts – searing and devastating. The music of the room was sorrow and anguish and everyone sang their own version. Soon enough though, it was silent again and I knew that almost everyone had left. I began to feel the form beneath me tremble and before I could even ask, it was explained to me in Sam's deep tone.

"The spirit wolf wants to be freed, Bella, we need to take him away from here so that can happen."

"He's trying to phase?" I asked, bewildered.

"Yes, honey, one last time so that his spirit can be freed from his body," he explained, patiently.

"Okay," I whispered. "I love you Jake, I'll meet you on the beach." I kissed his cool lips softly and hugged him one more time. I felt someone behind me, lifting my hair and braiding a portion at the nape of my neck. I felt the cool metal of the scissors a second before I heard the snip. I turned my head to see Seth holding a thin braid of my hair, tied with a red ribbon.

I climbed slowly off the bed and then looked at him quizzically.

"It's part of the ritual, Bells. We did it when my Dad died – I just thought you'd – if you don't want – I …" Seth stammered looking down at the braid in his hand like he suddenly wished he could reattach it.

"No, that's okay Seth, I just didn't know. I like that he gets to take something of me with him." I really hadn't been paying that close attention at Harry's funeral so was completely unfamiliar with those particular tribal traditions.

He smiled his relief and I watched as my braid was deftly woven through Jake's clasped hands and placed against his chest. Sam and Carlisle slowly began to wrap his body in the blue striped sheets from our bed.

Seth knelt down on the floor in front of me and began putting my shoes back on my feet. I just watched him, not really understanding why I needed them on. When he was finished, he rose and hugged me tightly to him. He kissed the top of my head and whispered,

"I'll be back as soon as I can, L'il Sis, just hang on until then, okay?"

"Sure, sure," I whispered and then immediately choked back a sob when I realized what I had said. I felt him shudder as he hugged me again and then he was gone.

"We're going to take him to the burial grounds up the mountain overlooking First Beach. The one used by our great grandfathers. He can't have a conventional burial because he will be in his wolf form," Sam informed me quietly.

"I understand. I think that's the perfect place for him to be. He would like that," I said confidently knowing there was no other place that Jake would want to be.

"We'll be back in a little while, Bella, Dr. Cullen is going to stay here with you until we can come back. The kids are both sleeping. They woke up a few hours ago for a snack and then went right back to bed, hopefully now they'll sleep until morning." I nodded as he turned toward Jake and whispered,

"Let's go set you free, my brother."

I watched as Sam lifted a sheet-covered Jake into his arms. The trembles had gotten much more pronounced. He moved past me and out through the sliding door that was standing wide open. Carlisle took my hand and gestured for me to follow.

I felt like someone else as I walked through my backyard holding tightly to Carlisle's hand. I could not believe that this was actually happening to me and to Jake. I wanted to scream at everyone to stop but at the same time I wanted to know what was going to happen next. It seemed that everyone had read the script but me; I was the only one who was utterly clueless. Carlisle led me through the back gate and right to the path that led to the forest. The very same spot where another goodbye took place almost six years ago. The irony was not lost on me.

It was darker than near the house, the light from the street barely managing to filter through the dense foliage in thin rays. The whole wolf pack was there, already transformed. Eighteen wolves stood in a double line, their shoulders touching, their formation tight. Two-by-two they stood, one group in front of the other. I had never seen them organized like that before; it was not the usual arrangement. I began to understand as I saw Sam move forward and place Jake's body in the center of the long bed they had created with their bodies.

Sam came and hugged me quickly before heading into the forest to phase.

I could see Seth toward the center of the line shaking and whining and glancing nervously into the forest. He kept moving like he was anxious and couldn't stand still. Sam returned and barked softly. Instantly, everyone straightened up and looked ahead, pulling even tighter together.

A black form raced by me and I watched as Juliet took position on Sam's right side. Jake's position. They appeared to be having a silent conversation and then Sam turned his big head to look at me.

"Um – okay – I guess – as long as you guys keep her safe and help her if she gets tired." He nodded. First to me and then to Juliet, and they then began to walk into the forest. I watched the procession as they followed him soundlessly, walking in such perfect unity that Jake appeared to be floating on air instead of riding a bunch of overgrown wolves.

I just stood there watching until they were out of sight, trying to process everything I had just witnessed.

"Bella," Carlisle squeezed my hand gently, "are you okay?"

My dead husband, wrapped up in my bed sheets, had just been carried away into the night by a werewolf honor guard, led by a housecat. Nope, I was probably about as un-okay as I had ever been in my whole life.

I opened my mouth to answer him, and that's when it hit me – Jake was dead.

Jake. Was. Dead.

Oh my God.

The black came quickly with that realization. It wasn't a slow creep like in the movies – I was okay and then I wasn't – I had light and then I didn't – I could breathe and then I couldn't.

The voice was loud and persistent and I couldn't tell if it was in my head or not.

_Bella!_

It was him.

_Bella!_

Calling me.

_Bella, ask me to come! I can't come to you unless you ask!_

Reminding me.

_Come on Darlin' – just give a holler and I'll come runnin'_.

Just like he always promised.

_Please, Bella, do it now!_

I had no air for hollering. I had no air for anything but I tried anyway.

_Now, bébé, do it now!_

"J – ah – sss – per"

And then there was nothing but cold black silent stillness.

**A/N****- *Sighs and starts cleaning up the empty ice cream bowls and discarded tissues * I'm so sorry guys, I know that I'm going to lose some of you because of this choice but before you go, just know that I love you and I thank you for sticking with this story as long as you did. May you be truly blessed in all that you do! **

**For everyone who is choosing to stay and see what happens next, thank you. My hope is that I can live up to the faith that you have placed in me. Jasper and Bella will finally have an actual face to face (sort of) conversation in the next chapter, I promise!**

**I love hearing your thoughts and would especially love to know what touched you about this chapter and who held your heart the most. As always, thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, alerted or rec'd this story, I love you so much it takes my breath away. ATD was rec'd by the awesome IdreamofEddy on the ALASL blog. I'm still squeeing like the crazy fangirl I totally am and once again I thank all of the amazing ladies at that blog from the bottom of my heart! The link is on my profile!**

**Big love and thanks go to my pre-readers, BamaBabe and Gredelina1 and to my super amazing beta Meddz, there would absolutely be no ATD without her. If you haven't read the first chapter of her new story, 17 Summers, go do it now, it will make you feel tons better, I promise! The link is on my profile. **

**PS- bébé is French for baby but I envision Jazz saying it with his southern accent so it comes out more like be-bay… kinda like how they say it in the movie "Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood"…**


	7. Cold Desert

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs-**** Cold Desert by Kings of Leon (Meddz says you HAVE to listen to this while you read this chapter – it will change your life!)**

**Tissue Index****= Still pretty damn high, guys! Sorry but it will start to come back down soon…*hands out more ice cream, tissues and big hugs and kisses to everyone that stayed* ILY! **

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

The black was bliss. I was numb and unaware in the black. All too soon, however, the light began to seep in around the edges and bring with it all that was real.

It started slowly. I remembered that I had lost something and I was sad about it, devastated actually, but in the black I couldn't feel the devastation – couldn't remember the loss.

My hand moved reflexively and was met with flesh that was not mine. Relief flooded through me as I realized that what I thought I had lost was indeed right beside me. I could not even feel my own body yet. I had not fully floated back to it from wherever I had been, but I was desperate to touch him – to feel him – to prove that he was real. I forced myself to move and rolled into where he was. I felt his arms close solidly around me and I relished it. I turned my face toward where I hoped his was and found his neck instead. My lips met his skin with a wild hunger. I could devour him if given the chance. I felt insatiable in my relief. I needed him more than I had ever needed him before. I kissed and licked and sucked his flesh, never getting my fill of him, never able to pull him close enough to me. There was a resistance from him that had never been present before. We never denied each other anything – ever. There was no, 'I'm too tired', or 'I have a headache', we were both always all in – always. Hungrily, I made my way up to his lips, knowing that he would no longer be capable of resisting me once I got there.

I kissed my way up his chin unseeingly, just going by feel, my eyes had yet to make the decision to open. I found his lips easily and pressed against them eagerly – instantly I felt it – he was tentative, unsure, hesitant, wrong – it was all wrong. The texture, the taste, the temperature, the tingles – everything was off. Where there should have been warmth, there was cold, where there should have been soft and yielding there was hard and impenetrable. Inflamed desire had been replaced with polite restraint. Where I should have been kissing a flesh and blood man, I was kissing cold hard stone.

A corpse.

It stood to reason, my brain told me calmly and with no emotion, because Jake died last night. Suddenly, like flood gates being ripped wide open, the events of the past forty-eight hours began to play out in rapid Technicolor succession behind my eyes.

The light was coming too fast. Everything was too vivid – too bright – I couldn't see it all. There was too much – and with every new thought, every new realization – came a pain so sharp, so intense that I couldn't absorb it. Like contractions in labor that come on too quickly with no respite in between. I couldn't process the pain, and then just when I thought it might pull me under for good, I was in the black again.

I felt a coolness pressing against my lips, and then a soft, sweet breeze passed over my tongue and carried on down my throat, causing me to inhale sharply – a reflex reaction to the intrusion.

"Bella? Can you hear me, bébé?" His liquid velvet voice was everywhere and nowhere, yet the comfort from the realization it brought was instantaneous – I wasn't alone in the black.

"Yes." The word was no more than a strained whisper.

"Good, then exhale." I did as he asked.

"Now, inhale," he directed. I tried but found that I lacked the ability, no matter how hard I tried.

I felt the coolness against my lips again, followed by the gentle flow of air. Again, my instincts kicked in and I inhaled against him. I felt him pull back as he allowed me room to breathe but I could tell that he was holding me firmly to him with no intention of letting me go anytime soon.

"And exhale." The command was but a breath in itself and I willingly obeyed. I tried before the next request came this time, and to my surprise, found myself able to inhale without assistance.

"Very good, bébé, very good. And again, try it again." I inhaled deeply and then exhaled slowly. He praised me again and requested a repeat performance. I could feel his body moving in rhythm with mine as if he was trying to encourage me with his own breath. This went on for many minutes – me breathing in and out and him commending me each and every time I had accomplished the task without his assistance. It reminded me of potty training Bethie.

_Bethie._

_Masen._

_Jacob._

I needed to know where Jacob was, where my children were, where my _cat_ was. As comforting and reassuring as this place was, I was needed elsewhere. There were things I needed to do, decisions to make, jobs to do, lives to mold. I couldn't just hang out in this black hole with him for the rest of my life could I? _Could I?_

"Jasper?" I asked while still attempting to maintain our established pattern.

"Yes, Bella?" he answered into the black. I could still see nothing but I could feel that I was sitting against him, like I was on his lap. I felt surrounded by him. All that existed was me, him and our breathing.

"Where are we?" I rasped, my throat hurt and my voice sounded like I had been screaming for days.

"Physically, we are sitting on the couch in the living room of your home. Emotionally, we are in a little place that I have created for you. It's to protect you from the sensory overload that is bombarding your system right now which is causing you to forget how to breathe." His voice was a sheepskin security blanket that I wanted wrapped around me forever.

"So, you're creating this black hole?"

"Yes, though I prefer to think of it as Bella's Breathing Space rather than a black hole, but, yes, I am controlling your emotions and I have taken you into a place in your mind where you can feel safe," he explained quietly.

"I didn't know that you could do that." I was incredibly intrigued by this, I had no idea that his gift could be used in that fashion.

I felt him chuckle against me. "Pretty cool huh?"

"Yeah, it is pretty cool. I feel very safe here." I confided honestly.

"Good, mission accomplished then."

"Jasper?" The question was bubbling up, yet I knew that I could ask it in this place. I could deal with anything here.

"Yes, bébé, what would you like to know?" I would like to know if this voice could surround me forever.

"Did Jake die last night, Jasper?" I whispered.

"Yes, Bella, I'm so sorry to have to say that he did." His sincerity filled me even as his words seared through me.

Jake really was dead, it wasn't just a horrifying dream.

"Inhale, Bella," he instructed calmly. "Your only job is to breathe, that is all that is required of you in this place, so breathe please, bébé." I guess I didn't comply quickly enough as I once again felt his icy breath enter my mouth and proceed to my lungs.

After that, an ample amount of time was spent again getting me to a point where I could breathe on my own once more. When I had completed at least one hundred complete inhalations and exhalations on my own under his careful watch and guidance, I attempted another question.

"Where are Masen and Bethie?" I couldn't get used to how foreign my voice sounded.

"They are in their beds, sleeping. Seth is sleeping on the floor in Masen's room and Quil is in Bethie's. They arrived around three this morning. It's only just six-thirty now. Sam is down here with you, as is Carlisle." My mind was rapidly filling with questions and he could obviously sense it as he continued to explain. "I have been sitting with you for about five hours but you haven't been having an easy time. Even though I was influencing your emotions, you still needed an outlet for all of your pain. There was a period of two hours where you wanted to scream but were afraid of waking your children, so I held my hand over your mouth and let you do what you needed to do."

"I did?" I croaked, having absolutely no memory of that but it definitely explained my sore throat and raspy voice.

"Mmm Hmm," he murmured gently. "It was around that time that Sam, your brother, and Quil arrived. It was decided that it would be best if one of them slept in each of your children's rooms. That way, they could be there for them when they woke up. We also wanted to prevent them from coming down and seeing you in the condition that you were in as no one thought that you would want that."

"No," I agreed whole heartedly, "I definitely wouldn't want them to see me like that, I'm very sorry that anyone had to see me like that."

"It's alright, there's no need to apologize. It's just a part of the grieving process and avoiding it only makes things that much worse." As I listened to him, it sounded like he was speaking to more than just me. "It's obviously what you needed as you are now able to speak coherently and without screaming so I would say that you are making definite progress. Plus you haven't begged either Carlisle or me to kill you in the last hour either so that is a positive as well." He chuckled.

I was beyond shocked. "I begged you to kill me?" I was incredulous.

"Yes, Bella, before the screaming started you were begging us for death, that's the reason why I allowed you to scream because you seemed to have so much pain that you just needed to get rid of and didn't know how to. After the screaming, you slept for a couple of hours. You probably would have slept longer but it was suggested that we try to rouse you before your children woke up so we could determine if any intervention would be necessary before they saw you."

I was beyond embarrassed about my behavior and what I had put him through during the night, but I had no idea how to address it except to meekly ask, "What sort of intervention?"

He sighed and for the first time since waking in his arms I felt I had toed upon the edge of his patience. "Both Sam and Carlisle believe that it would be in your best interest if you were medicated with a mild anti-depressant for the next couple of days. It would just be something to take the edge off your grief and to assist you in coping with the events that are sure to be occurring. They have also been thinking about putting you on a ventilator to help regulate your breathing." I could feel him working against the panic and fear that was trying to take hold of me but couldn't overcome me because of his influence. "It's okay, everything is alright. I woke you because I wanted to know what you want – what you will feel comfortable with. I knew that no one but you should be making these decisions." He sounded almost angry, and again, I had the feeling that his message was directed at someone other than me.

"Thank you, Jasper," I said, humbly. "What do you think I should do? I mean – do you think that I _need _those things to happen in order for me to be okay? Tell me the honest truth, okay, don't spare my feelings." I was really concerned because both of those choices sounded quite scary to me but I was willing to entertain the options if he thought they were truly necessary.

"Bella, I will always tell you the honest truth, I want you to be able to count on that." He paused and it felt like he was debating about what to say next. "I honestly don't believe that you need to entertain either of those options if I'm permitted to stay with you and continue to assist you in slowly acclimating yourself both physically and emotionally."

"Well, okay then." I answered, relieved. It sounded like it was really a non-issue and I wasn't sure why it had been brought up in the first place. Then his wording sunk in – _if I'm permitted to stay_ – the realization dawned on me – he wasn't going to be allowed to stay with me. Once again he spent the next few minutes assisting my breathing and getting me back to breathing on my own. When I could speak again, I asked the question that I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I didn't want the answer to.

"You can't stay?" My heart writhed in my chest as I waited for his answer.

I felt his arms tighten around me, and there was coolness at the crown of my head as he slowly exhaled into my hair. It sent a shiver through my whole body and he pulled me into him all the tighter.

"It has been suggested that it would be in your best interest if Carlisle and I left before your children wake up."

"Why?" I just couldn't comprehend why that would be necessary at all.

"Because, Bella." It wasn't the smooth, whiskey velvet voice that had been sharing this space with me. The intruder's voice was deeper, huskier and a lot more irritated.

Sam.

"Do you really want Masen to come downstairs and see you essentially making out with a vampire on the couch while we try to explain to him that he no longer has a Daddy?"

Oh. My. God.

Masen knows about the Cold Ones and is scared to death of them and now there are two of them in my house. I'm the worst mother on the face of the planet! And what kind of wife takes comfort in another man's arms not even hours after the death of her husband? Wherever Jake was, I knew he would be angry and disappointed with me.

I suddenly felt so ashamed and guilt ridden that I was assaulted with a wave of nausea. I tried to breathe my way through it, and I could feel Jasper trying to restore my equilibrium but he was hindered by the fact that he also had to assist my breathing. I knew that we were losing the battle and I tried to pull back so I could get sick away from him but he wouldn't let me go. I felt movement and then a whispered command against my right ear.

"Just let it happen, bébé."

I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. I was overcome as my stomach heaved repeatedly. I reached out a shaky hand to try to steady myself and felt the coolness of porcelain under my fingertips. Thank God. If I had to do this, I was at least glad that it was in the washroom and not all over the area rug in my living room, or the couch, or Jasper.

Jasper!

Damn it!

He was witnessing this, I just knew it. There was no way I was accomplishing this by myself. I didn't think that I could be more mortified and yet, there it was, washing over me and causing my dissipating nausea to return tenfold.

I retched again and again. Finally, I felt Jasper's influence overtaking my own emotions and helping me to calm down. I slumped down and felt his cool hand against my forehead, guiding me back against him. I was absolutely exhausted. Jasper helped me rinse my mouth with some water and then I felt him gently wipe my face with a warm washcloth. I also heard him flush the toilet and I was very grateful, if not still completely mortified. After that, he just held me in his lap for a few minutes, gauging my emotions and breathing with me. It was during this time that my eyes finally decided to open and I found myself gazing up into the most beautiful golden eyes I had ever seen.

I had never realized before how unique Jasper's eyes were. Unlike any of the other Cullens, his eyes held a sunburst just around each pupil that was absolutely mesmerizing. Why had I never noticed it before? It appeared to always be in motion, expanding brightly and then contracting almost completely only to expand again brighter than before. I was enchanted. I couldn't look away though I was able to register through the muted light that we were definitely on the floor in the en suite bathroom in my bedroom. He said nothing and just held me close to him, his eyes never leaving mine.

After several minutes he lifted a finger to his lips, indicating that I shouldn't say anything. In one smooth motion, he was suddenly standing, holding me securely to him bridal style and I realized for the first time that he had me tightly swaddled in the fleece blanket from my couch. He walked swiftly out of the bathroom, through the bedroom and out the sliding doors. I saw my bedroom disappearing behind us over his shoulder before I could even register the pain of being in there. He walked us through the backyard purposely. His jaw was set determinedly, there was almost a look of defiance about him. My heart began to clench as he walked us toward the back gate and visions of the previous night's events began to creep into my mind. Just as I began to succumb to the pain caused by the memory, it was gone, replaced by a numbing calm instead. We went through the gate and then in the opposite direction of the path. He walked arbitrarily through the forest for a moment before coming to rest about ten feet from the fence line – the house still clearly visible through the trees from where we stood. I finally forced myself to look away from his face and turned my head to see what had caused him to stop.

Or rather, _who_ had caused him to stop.

There they were. For a minute, I thought that I was hallucinating – that the voices had finally manifested into full blown apparitions. I had to blink rapidly a few times before I was sure that I could trust my vision. There was no doubt about it – it was them.

Standing in the forest behind my house yet looking like they could have just walked off of the runway for any of the world's top designers.

The remaining members of the Cullen Family.

I gasped. Realization struck me hard when I recalled Carlisle telling me that the family was there. At the time, I had thought that he meant Forks, not that they were standing vigil in the woods behind my house.

Esme was the first to step forward and break the silence. She reached out a tentative hand and gently stroked her hand against my cheek.

"My beautiful Bella," she whispered so softly I could barely hear her, "I am so very sorry, sweetheart." She took her other hand and cradled it against Jasper's cheek before shifting her gaze to him and murmuring, "You're going to get us all in trouble, you should take her back in."

He just shrugged and said in his regular speaking voice, "She has a right to make an informed decision. She needs to know what all of the options are, not just the ones that are the most appealing to others. Outside of her fence line is Cullen territory and she is permitted to be here. "

"Yes, but _he_ didn't want her knowing that we are here." Esme countered softly. "You are directly counteracting _his_ wishes."

Jasper moved to begin to speak but I interrupted with my one word question.

"Why?"

"Because it makes things way more complicated than they need to be, Bella." Sam answered angrily as he entered the clearing, his fists clenching and his form visibly shaking. He quickly closed the distance and was standing in front of Jasper, so close that I could feel the heat from his body through the blanket. "This is a direct violation of what we agreed upon. Give. Her. To. Me." It was the furthest thing from a request. I had never seen Sam look so fierce, for the first time ever, I was frightened of him.

Jasper's hold on me tightened and he said nothing, I thought that I could hear a growl coming from one of them but I wasn't sure who. Carlisle had followed Sam into the forest and he stepped toward us and put a hand lightly on Jasper's shoulder.

"Son, he has claimed her as one of theirs, you need to give her to him now."

Jasper hesitated for a split second before acquiescing. He handed me over to Sam without so much as a word. Sam turned and began to walk swiftly back toward the house. Though I was acutely aware of the loss of physical contact with Jasper, I also became conscious to the fact that his hold on my emotions was weakening the farther away we got from him. As Sam entered my bedroom, I was bombarded with imagery and overwhelmed with feelings of grief that this room created within me. Sam laid me on my barren bed, telling me to get some sleep before the kids woke up. He said that I had to focus on my responsibilities and realize that this was about more than just me. He told me that one day I would understand why he was asking this of me and that I needed to trust his judgment and that this is what Jake would have wanted for me. Then, he walked out the door, closing it behind him.

I was gasping, the pain was so thick it was choking the breath from me. I scrambled off the bed. There was no way in hell that I was ever sleeping on it again. What part of my husband died on that bed did he not understand? Everything good and wonderful and terrible and devastating happened in that bed. The walls were covered in pictures of me and Jake. Sepia toned photos in rich brown frames. The family photos were in the living room. This room was just about us. Me and him. He was everywhere and nowhere.

Gone.

Jake was gone.

I should have been able to handle it, I should have been stronger, but I wasn't. I was weak and I was selfish. I should have been concerned with protecting my children and the tribe, and honoring my husband's memory, but I couldn't breathe. Jake would want me to be able to breathe wouldn't he? _Wouldn't he?_

The kids needed me to be able to breathe. I couldn't do any of the things that Sam wanted me to do if I couldn't breathe. I was pretty sure this was one of those situations that called for a paper bag to breathe in to but I didn't have one. I knew what could help me to breathe though. I knew what would be even more effective than a paper bag. I knew what I needed. I stumbled through the sliding door, barely managing to get it open. I could hear the sound of my raspy breaths and I knew that I didn't have much time. I swerved and veered through the yard, my destination was the back gate. I never took my eyes off of it even though it kept lurching to the left and then to the right of my field of view.

Somehow, I made it there. My hand clutching my chest trying to keep both my heart and my lungs from exploding, though I was beginning to think that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing as long as I was guaranteed not to survive it. Knowing that I was out of air, I grabbed onto the gate post and launched myself toward the forest. I hit something hard and cold but it wasn't the ground. At least, I don't think it was. I don't recall a time when the ground ever reached up and held me or rolled me onto my back and began breathing into my mouth. I should know with the amount of times that I have been intimately acquainted with the ground during my lifetime.

"Bella," Carlisle's voice drifted into my consciousness, "you've had a panic attack and are hyperventilating, try to breathe normally and focus on my voice." He continued to talk to me, guiding me to inhale and exhale, yet, I was confused as I could feel lips resting against my own as I was lowered gently to the ground. Who was it that was effectively acting as my paper bag, allowing me to use their lungs to collect my own carbon dioxide and breathe it back into my lungs? I realized, almost as soon as I thought the question, who it had to be. Just the fact that I was lucid enough to ponder such things told me that it was in fact, Jasper.

Slowly, I began to regain coherency and soon found myself, once again, gazing into those amazing swirling eyes. As I was beginning to feel like I could pull away, I heard a deep voice exclaim from behind me,

"That's kinda hot!"

I turned my head to see Emmett grinning at me – two huge thumbs pointing up enthusiastically.

I watched both Esme and Rosalie simultaneously smack either side of his head. The sound was deafening and I winced. Jasper held me to him protectively so that I was still sitting on the ground but now leaning against him. His chest was vibrating and his lips were moving minutely. As I looked around me, I could see everyone in a similar stance and they were all glaring at Emmett. I watched as his thumbs wilted slowly until he finally put his hands down by his side and he shifted nervously.

"Um, what I meant to say, Bella, is that I'm very sorry for your loss." He looked so adorably chagrined and apologetic, that I couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you, Emmett, I appreciate that very much," I whispered. His smile reflected his relief and he winked at me.

Slower than I had ever seen her move before, Alice came forward and sat down so that she was eye level with me on the ground. Wordlessly, she reached out and hugged me to her gently yet fiercely, filling the hug with so many unspoken emotions. After a long moment, she pulled back and placed both of my hands into hers. I had never seen her look so sad, so defeated, so un-Alice-like. What had caused this change in my bubbly, over the top, best friend? I felt so concerned for her and then I saw her eyes flicker briefly to Jasper and back to me. Just then I was hit with a moment of perfect clarity and I felt like the world's biggest idiot. Here I was lounging in her husband's arms, the same man that I had tried to make out with when I had first awoken this morning and the very same man that I couldn't seem to stop clinging too. I was embarrassed and ashamed and I only hoped that she would forgive me once I got the chance to explain. I immediately tried to move off of Jasper's lap, but he held me firmly to him. I opened my mouth to try to clear up this unfortunate misunderstanding but wasn't given the chance.

I heard a throat clear, and I turned to see Sam standing there with his arms crossed and an angry scowl on his face.

"I couldn't breathe – Jake would want me to be able to breathe," I murmured.

"I know." He sighed, his posture softened and he ran one hand through his short, thick hair.

"Bella." His dark eyes looked imploringly at mine. "I really need you to understand what's going on here. The kids are going to be up soon and we are going to have to tell them what happened. Charlie's going to be here as soon as his shift ends and we are going to have to be very careful about what and how we tell him. He's the Chief of Police and should have been notified before we did anything else, but obviously that couldn't happen. He is going to be livid. It's really best if the Cullens aren't here for either of those conversations. Masen is already afraid and Bethie isn't going to understand any of this. Charlie will want to know why it is that we could contact the Cullens but not him. Plus, your sisters want to come and help clean up the house so the rest of the tribe and members of the community can come to pay their respects before the memorial service. It's customary. I know that this is hard for you and I'm sorry if I'm making it harder, but, honey, you have to understand how serious this is and how much I need your help here. I can't pull this off by myself." He sighed again and all the anger I had been feeling toward him melted away in that moment. He looked as lost as I felt and I could see that the weight of the situation was wearing on him. After all, who leads the leader?

"You need me to be part of the solution, not the problem; I understand that, Sam, of course I do. I know that this is hard for you too." I made the hard choice and I pulled away from Jasper. He responded by raising us both to our feet in one fluid motion but he kept one arm around my shoulders. Alice rose to her feet as well and moved to stand by Esme.

"That needs to come off." Sam gestured toward my right hand. I looked down and saw that there was indeed something wrapped around my wrist. It was a black leather cuff.

A black leather _Cullen _cuff to be exact.

I just stared at it in wonder – having no idea how it came to be wrapped around my wrist or which Cullen it belonged to. I fingered it reverently remembering a time when I would have sold my very soul just for the privilege of wearing anything emblazoned with the Cullen Family Crest. I knew that each of them valued their symbol of family greatly, and I really couldn't remember a time when I had seen any of them without theirs. So, who had parted with this one and why?

"It stays," Jasper said with finality. Gently, he pushed it up my arm a short way and then pulled the long sleeve of my incredibly dirty blue shirt down over it. He pulled my other sleeve down as well so I would match.

"Absolutely not!" Sam roared as he stepped toward me looking for a moment like he might rip the cuff off of me with my arm still in it.

"Charlie is five minutes away." Edward stated calmly and suddenly I could hear a faint siren in the distance. He seemed rather indifferent. It was kind of like he was announcing the score of a baseball game but wasn't really interested in either of the teams that were playing. Nice to see you again too, Jerk.

The siren began to grow closer and I knew that it wasn't my dad who was on his way to our home, it was Chief Swan. Sam was right, this wasn't going to be good – we needed to get our stories straight and fast.

Sam grabbed me away from Jasper roughly and began pulling me by my arm back toward the gate just as Seth and Quil emerged from the back of the house each carrying one of my children in their arms. The kids both looked like they had just woken up and wanted to know the whereabouts of their parents. My heart clenched as I took in the innocent expressions on their faces. I was absolutely sick with the knowledge that I was about to turn their worlds upside down with just four little words.

Daddy died last night.

I heard Sam yell for Seth and Quil to get back in the house but before they could obey, I saw Seth freeze as his gaze locked on something beyond the fence line. I turned my head to follow his line of sight and realized that he was staring directly at… Alice. She was standing at the tree line, about five feet from the back fence. Her eyes were locked on his, a look of wonder on her face. As I glanced back to Seth I saw the mirror reflection on his face but it was amplified by a million. I heard Sam utter a low curse. As the realization of what was happening hit me, I was immediately propelled forward toward Seth. Sam and I reached him just as my son began to fall from his slackened arms. Sam caught Masen easily and then stepped in front of Seth, breaking him from his Alice-induced trance. Startled, Seth blinked rapidly and then tried to move so he could look past Sam.

"No, Seth," Sam said, assuming his Alpha tone and Seth immediately stopped trying to get around him. "this is NOT the time. Charlie is here and we need to get in to the house."

The yard was suddenly awash in flashing red and blue lights. Charlie had cut the siren when he had hit the residential district as it was still rather early in the morning and there really wasn't any traffic once he got off the highway. The flashing lights were enough to send us the message that The Forks Chief of Police was here and he meant business.

Sam and I followed the guys back into the house. Seth and Quil took the kids to the kitchen to have some breakfast and Sam and I sat on the sofa to wait for Charlie. I tried to straighten my shirt but could see that it was wrinkled beyond all hope. I went to run my hand through my hair but was abruptly halted as my hand fell upon a tight plait. My hair was braided, and quite intricately too from what I could tell. When had I braided my hair? The look on my face must have shown my surprise and confusion because Sam huffed out with a sigh.

"_He_ did it when you were – uh – sick. I guess to get it out of your face. You want me to pull it out?" I just shook my head and he grimaced as we heard Charlie's key hit the lock.

"Let me handle this, Bella. It was all my idea and you were too upset to know what was going on, got it?" Sam said quickly and I nodded as we heard the lock click and the front door opened with a squeak. I was instantly overcome with fatigue. I slumped against Sam and he slid his arm around my shoulders, creating the illusion that he was the one comforting me. I realized in that moment, as I watched Charlie walk down the short hallway and into the room, that Jasper was keeping a secret. He didn't need to be touching me or even be in the same room or building with me in order to influence my emotions. He was helping me just as capably from outside the 'boundary line' as he had when he was holding me in his lap. I knew that I needed to try not to let this fact be revealed to Sam, so I leaned even further into him. Jasper must have felt the same way because I slowly felt myself fading back – not quite to black but everything took on a grey tone and I was no longer a hundred percent aware of what was actually happening. I heard Charlie and Sam talking. I saw Charlie as he tried to talk to me but I really couldn't make out what he was saying. There was a low buzzing in my ears and I couldn't really hear over it very well.

Eventually, the odd sentence began to make its way to me.

"_I refuse to watch her fall down the rabbit hole again."_

"_I have no idea how to tell children, I deal with this with adults all the time, but children? No, that's out of my league."_

"_I don't care what it takes, tell Gerandy that I want the best grief specialist in the country here ASAP."_

"_Just get him! Whatever it takes, nothing else matters when it comes to the mental health of my daughter and grandchildren."_

"_We won't tell the kids anything until he gets here. Take them to Sue, she's doing some baking, that will keep them busy."_

"_We're in luck, he's in the area on a family vacation."_

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but I think that I spent the majority of the day on the couch. It was like I was watching a movie. I saw people that I knew and loved come and go – all of the wolves, their wives, Billy, people I knew from the La Push community. They tried to talk to me but were given words like '_non-responsive'_ and '_catatonic_', so they settled for whispering their condolences and then squeezing my hand, kissing my cheek or patting my hair.

My poor heart almost couldn't take it as I watched Embry's wife, Dena, kneel in front of me. She and Emily were my closest friends and they both had worked hard to run interference between Rachel and me over the years. Dena always had a joke, never took life too seriously and wasn't the least bit concerned that she wasn't a Native American. She was, in fact, of Middle Eastern descent, and Embry had imprinted on her anyway.

I loved that.

I think that is the biggest reason why she and I were so close. We were both seen as outsiders but Dena would just laugh and say that everyone else was the outsider and why did it matter anyway. We always referred to each other as 'bro' because we thought that it was funny and it always seemed to tick Rachel off, which was an added bonus.

Dena sat in front of me and whispered words in Arabic and I waited for her to translate them, because she always did. This time was different though. I still couldn't speak, but I tried to let Jasper know that I needed to give her something. I couldn't just stare at her blankly when she was sitting there with tears streaking her beautiful face. Then I felt it, my right brow arched minutely and her face lit up at the sight.

"Shut up, bro, this is a very emotional moment for me." She whispered seriously before breaking out in laughter at her own joke. She laughed through her tears before leaning forward and pulling me into a hug. I was able to hug her back and then she was called away to help Emily replace the sheets on my bed. They knew that they were the only two people that I would want in that room. After she left, I sunk back into the grey.

The overpowering scent of cleaning products filled the house. I could hear a lot of activity in the kitchen and every once in a while I would catch a question as it floated past.

"_Where does she keep her cheese grater?" _

"_How long should I put it in for?"_

"_Is it Bella that doesn't like raspberries or Bethie? I can't remember."_

Actually, it was both of us. We didn't like chewing the little seeds, but in that moment, it just didn't matter. Nothing _really_ mattered. At one point, I felt Charlie replace Sam at my side and I cuddled into him reassuringly. I wanted him to know that it wasn't as bad as it looked and that Jasper was most definitely keeping me out of the rabbit hole. I knew that Jasper would still be out in the forest since I could feel his influence.

I thought about what had happened between Seth and Alice. Did Alice realize that Seth had imprinted on her? What would Jasper do to Seth? I wasn't able to really focus too long on it or get too upset but I knew that it would be a definite problem that would need to be addressed delicately.

I wondered if the rest of the family had stayed or if they had quietly disbanded. I hoped that I would get to see the Cullens again but I wondered if they had decided that they needed to heed Sam's directive. I knew that, ultimately, they would do what they considered to be best for their family and I had to respect that, and just be grateful that I got to see them at all after all this time.

As I was thinking this last thought, the doorbell rang. Charlie twitched but refused to move from my side to answer it. I heard someone in the kitchen open the door and greet the caller. Suddenly the room was filled with the whiskey velvet voice that I hadn't thought I would hear again so soon.

"Good Afternoon, I am Doctor Jasper Whitlock. I was informed by Doctor Gerandy that you require my services…"

**A/N-** **Yes, Jasper, yes we do! And I wonder how his name got to be at the top of that list… hmmmm…**

**Oh yeah, and actually, it's Krista that doesn't like raspberries… Hope you won't hold that against me but I've just never had the mad love for that particular berry! The seeds are pure, concentrated evil… I'm just sayin'…**

**I really hope that you guys liked this chapter. It was brutal to write and that's why it took so long to get it here. I actually wanted to post on Meddz's birthday which was at the end of September! Sigh… I'm so incredibly lame… But as a belated present, I gave her Embry instead! It's actually my birthday today but she can have it cuz I don't want to turn 37! :( So, Happy Birthday, Meddz, I hope that you like Dena. You are the best beta on the planet and I'm a very lucky 'ol spoon to have you in my corner!**

**Meddz made an amazing banner for this story, the link is on my profile. You will fall head over heels crazy in love with it, I promise! PS – Meddz is back on twitter, go check her out at MeddzInCanada. She does the twitter waaaaaaay better than I do and is there a LOT more!**

**Thank you to my awesome pre-readers, BamaBabe, Gredelina1, Kammy68 and Juliannanight. Yes, I needed four pre-readers AND a beta this time around because I am my own worst enemy and it takes five people to haul me out from under my desk and make me post! :o**

**Thank you to everyone for loving on this story the way that you do. To date, this story has received 12,407 hits on FFN and 243 on TwiWrite! I just – you guys – I'm completely – I never in a million years – I … just… wow. You guys humble me to the floor and I thank you with all that I am. Thank. You.**

**Next chapter will be JPOV but I'm not sure where to start from. Please let me know what you would like to see.**


	8. Bent

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs-**** Bent by Matchbox Twenty (Thank you, Meddz!) **

**Tissue Index****= Still pretty damn high, guys!**

**This first line was inspired by a PM I wrote to a very special reviewer. Thank you, hon, for your love and support. I apologize for the over share and truly hope I didn't blow your mind too much. I can't stop thinking about you and just need you to know that I'm always here if you ever need me. **

**For everyone who has been touched by grief in any way, I dedicate this story to you. **

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

**Jasper's POV**

Grief is an undiscriminating hunter who arrives unannounced and weaves a desolate path of destruction through the heart and soul of every being it encounters. It takes no prisoners and leaves no survivors. The devastation it brings equals that of the grisliest war zone or the most heinous of crime scenes. Rooted in pure evil, it is the most powerful of all human emotions beyond love, joy and even hate or anger – which can only wound or maim the soul. Only grief possesses the power to kill from the inside out – wholly and completely. I have seen it happen in both humans and vampires. I was going to do my damnedest not to let it happen to Bella.

From the moment we arrived at their property, it was very obvious to each of us that Jacob Black was gravely ill. The scent of it covered the house and surrounding yard like a shroud. I also knew that while Jacob had accepted his circumstances, his wife had not. When we arrived, it sounded like they had both just awoken and he was trying to help her to understand what was possibly happening to him. She wasn't having any part of it and adamantly refused to entertain any thoughts to the contrary. He had so much to tell her but she just wouldn't – _couldn't _hear it. Denial is like that.

"I really don't know what I'm going to be able to do for him," Carlisle muttered sadly as he left us at the property line and began walking toward the house. "I've never encountered anything like this before." He inhaled deeply just as he reached the bottom step leading up to the front porch, and shook his head as he analyzed the scent again. He was feeling defeated before he had even begun. I filled him with that peaceful confidence that he usually seemed to exude. He visibly stood a little straighter and whispered, "Thanks, Jasper," just before reaching up to knock on the front door.

She was desperate hope personified when she opened the door and greeted Carlisle. I allowed her to feel the peace that I was sending to him in the hope that it could help her too. He told her that she looked even more beautiful than the last time he saw her and Emmett suddenly felt compelled to offer his thoughts on the subject.

"Would that be the last time that you actually saw her, when she was drunk off her ass and just got her boob tatted by her wolfband? Or the last time that you _officially_ saw her, when Edward chucked her into a bunch of glass plates and Jasper tried to nom her ass and then we all had to leave town? 'Cause, yeah, either way, she looks totes better than she did either of those times." Edward hissed at him to shut up and I saw the ghost of a smile cross Carlisle's face before he composed himself and entered Bella's home.

The rest of the family and I quickly found a vantage point from which to monitor the activities occurring in the house. Ironically, it was the same spot that Edward and I had used the last time we had come to Forks. I truly hoped that was where the similarities ended.

We decided that it was best that we all remain close by to assist Carlisle if need be. Though we knew that the wolves had never instigated a fight with us before, we wondered what would happen if this man actually died and whether or not Carlisle would be held accountable for it. It wasn't a risk any of us were willing to take, so we all committed to stand in the forest and wait for Carlisle, much to Rosalie's chagrin. She had thought that she and Emmett could run off to our old house for some 'free time' but Esme was very clear that that was not happening. So, we stood together and listened as Bella introduced her children to Carlisle, assuring them that he was there to heal their father. Carlisle tried vainly to caution Bella that his best efforts might not yield the results that she was hoping for, but I could tell that it was to no avail. She was continuing to cling unerringly to her belief that Carlisle could, in fact, work miracles.

We could hear her as she went about dressing her children for the day while Carlisle examined Jacob. The man knew that he was rapidly deteriorating and he indicated as much to Carlisle. He even asked for a time-line. Carlisle was honest and told Jacob that he didn't think there was more than a day or two left if he couldn't find a way to halt or reverse the wasting process. Jacob accepted the information gracefully and even thanked Carlisle for taking the time to make this 'boneheaded' house call. He shared his concerns about Bella and the children and not knowing how to prepare them for the most probable outcome. Carlisle gave Jacob his word that he would try everything in his power to prevent that from happening. He was excited about trying a blood transfusion and was feeling very confident in that form of treatment. Just as the two of them got into discussing the logistics of it, we heard Bella's son whisper from somewhere in the house,

"He's a Cold One, Mommy."

"They broke the treaty?" Rosalie hissed, taking a step toward the house. "This is unacceptable, human children aren't supposed to know of our existence!"

I put my hand up to halt her advance. Despite her outward appearance of indifference, deep down, Rosalie hated what she was. She radiated feelings of betrayal and shame. Despite the fact that their relationship had been tenuous at best, it hurt her deeply to think that Bella had divulged our secret.

Edward stepped in front of us, a pensive look on his face. The kind he got when he was reading someone's thoughts.

"No one told him outright, Rose. The tribal council still tell the old stories, that's all. Even at only four and a half, he is very perceptive. He figured it out for himself, just like his mother did when Jacob first told her the stories." He laughed humorlessly at the irony.

That seemed to appease Rose and she backed down. I wasn't sure what she was planning to achieve by storming the house, but was relieved that she had changed her mind.

Edward suddenly stiffened just as we heard Masen ask Bella about the red-haired cold woman that had tried to kill her. Alice and Esme gasped, and even Rose was radiating concern though, she was trying not to show it.

"Victoria came here for Bella?" Esme asked in shock.

"It would appear so," Edward said sharply, as he continued to sift through the little boy's thoughts.

I chuckled as I heard Bella try to dissuade her son. When that didn't work, she assured him that if she was indeed the "Town Girl", she knew how to talk to Cold Ones, so he needn't worry.

Only Bella could get away with saying something like that with any validity.

"She stood on a cliff waiting for Victoria to come and get her? Wow! Girlfriend's got a serious set of brass ta-tas on her." Emmett was in awe.

"Oh my poor, sweet girl," Esme whispered, her eyes drawn to the window of the room Bella was in with her son. "We did that. We left her here, unprotected, when I think of what could have happened – I…" She stared off into the distance, and I could tell that she was visualizing scenarios of everything that might have happened to Bella.

"She's right there, Esme, she survived." I reminded her gently. I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around my mother-figure in a gesture I hoped that she would find comforting. Relaxing instantly, she reached up and twined my hands with hers over her non-beating heart.

"I know that you're right, Jasper, but I just can't bear to think of her having to go through any of that and now…" She gestured toward the house and all that was going on within.

"She'll survive, she always does. And you're here now to make sure of it." She turned her head and I was greeted with the most brilliant smile.

"That's right," she confirmed.

However, Edward was not smiling, but he knew better than to say anything.

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

When Sam arrived, he sent the two others that were with him to stand guard at the front of the house while he strode purposely into the forest, directly to where my family was standing. I stepped forward, assuming the leadership role in Carlisle's absence.

He stopped about ten feet from us and crossed his arms in front of his body. I mimicked his stance and waited for him to speak.

I could tell Esme was going to make an attempt to speak to him, and I briefly filled her with confusion. That was my universally understood signal for _'whatever you are about to do – don't do it.' _In my periphery, I saw her nod in understanding as I continued to stare down Sam.

He sighed after a moment, "The treaty is still in effect as long as you respect the boundary lines, and as per our agreement the last time you were here, that also includes this property. "

"We understand." I said, making eye contact with him and nodding slightly.

"You may stay here for the duration of the time it takes for the… _doctor_," the word was heavily laced with his obvious disdain, "to ensure that everything possible has been done for Jake. At such time, you will all leave the area and not return. Agreed?"

What a condescending jack ass. If we wanted to stay in Forks, we were well within our rights to do so and it wouldn't matter if the wolves liked it or not. Before I could diplomatically tell him to shove it up his ass, Esme beat me to it.

"We will be here for as long as Bella needs us." She said calmly, yet firmly.

"She won't need you," Sam said snidely before repeating, "You are not permitted past her fence line, and _He_ is not permitted to inform her of your presence here, nor are any of you to make contact with her. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal," I replied coolly, "However, we are permitted to cross the boundary line by invitation from Bella or Charlie."

"That won't be happening since neither of them will know that you are here." He stated, smugly.

We'll just see about that.

**OooOooOooOooOooOooOoo**

After Sam went into the house, there was nothing to do but wait. We maintained our vigil throughout the day and into the night. The rollercoaster of emotions emanating from the house was so incredibly intense that I could feel my eyes darkening as I attempted to absorb them. I tried to project a blanket of peace over the house, but it got harder to do as the day wore on and everyone began to grow more disheartened and desperate.

Carlisle did not make a habit of swearing, his puritanical upbringing forbade it. So when I heard the low curse leave his lips, I knew that something was horribly wrong. The coughing, gasping and stuttering heartbeat that quickly followed were all a testament to that fact.

"Jacob is going into anaphylactic shock," Edward announced, viewing the situation through Carlisle's mind. With that, I felt the last shred of hope slip away. The anguish coming from Bella was overwhelming. It was heartbreaking to watch her on her back porch as she appealed to a being that had so obviously forsaken her. As she begged and bartered with her very soul, I have never felt so helpless in my entire existence. Alice and Esme had moved so that they were standing in the shadows of the fence line, both gripping the chain link metal so hard that they each tore a section of it clean away as they willed the pain away from Bella.

"I got it," Emmett said softly, as he walked through the forest and up the street toward where we had parked the vehicles out of sight of the house. He came back with pliers and wire cutters, and he and Edward quietly went to work mending the fence. From within the house, we could hear that phone calls were being made. We knew that it wouldn't be long before the house was inundated with people coming to say their goodbyes. Soon enough, the quiet street was overrun with double and triple-parked vehicles, and Bella's little bedroom was suddenly standing room only.

"I want to… I need to… I should be in there," Alice whispered suddenly. "She needs me."

"She does, sugar," I gave her a small smile, "but right now, she has them. Soon enough it will be your turn."

She nodded but continued to watch the house with an almost mesmeric intensity – like she was trying to psychically transport herself through its very walls – or transport Bella out of them.

And then it happened. Carlisle gave the pronouncement that a death had indeed occurred. One moment I was standing on my feet and the next I was on my knees. Esme was rapidly whispering in my ear about the first day that Alice and I came to live with the Cullens and how happy it had made her. Her joy in that moment temporarily provided me with the buffer that I needed to combat the tsunami of grief that was slamming into me. I rose to my feet, bringing her with me and held her to my side in a one-armed hug. She continued to relay every thought she had about that day,

"… and it took so long for me to get you to stop calling me 'ma'am' all the time! You have no idea how old that made me feel! And I always had to keep myself from laughing out loud when you would tip your hat at me every time you saw me – even when you weren't wearing one!" She paused long enough to chuckle but I knew that she would keep talking until I told her I was alright.

I squeezed her to me, "I'm okay, Esme, thank you. That was really intense but you brought me back from it. I've got it under control now… Ma'am." I drawled the last word thickly, just like it would have sounded when I had first joined the family all those years ago. She punched me lightly with the free hand that wasn't wrapped around my waist and then hugged me to her.

"I love you, Jasper. I'm so proud of you for what you are doing for those people in there and for who you are and for everything that you do." I just continued to hold her to me, allowing her love and affection for me to counterbalance all of the negative emotions that were streaming from the house. Slowly, everyone began to exit. Most of the humans left out of the front door, but the pack members began to congregate in the back yard. They made their way toward the back gate, some casting glances in our general direction, but for the most part, they ignored us.

Esme began radiating concern, and I knew that she was worried that there may be some retaliation on Carlisle for Jacob's death. She was looking in Edward's direction but he shook his head and emoted nothing but confidence in Carlisle's safety. I made sure that she could feel it and understood that it came from Edward and not from me. Surprisingly, there wasn't an ounce of hostility emanating from any of the wolf pack members. The overriding emotion was sorrow at the loss of their brother and concern for his wife and family, nothing more. It was like our presence wasn't even casting the minutest of blips on their radars.

"For tonight," Edward said almost silently, answering my thought. "But, it could change in a heartbeat."

I nodded my understanding.

One by one, each of the Quileutes transformed until there were only wolves standing in the place of men. We could only watch in reverent silence as Carlisle escorted a bewildered Bella through the yard and up to the wolf processional. Her disbelief was palpable as she watched the events unfold, but she had the amazing lucidity to grant permission for her cat to participate as long as the wolves would ensure its safety. As they began to depart, I could feel the reality of the evening beginning to close in on her with too much clarity. She was overwhelmed and struggling to comprehend what her heart wouldn't let her accept.

Carlisle asked her if she was alright, not because there was any question that she was but because he was trying to prolong the inevitable breakdown. Without even thinking about it, I started moving toward her. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do once I reached her. I just knew that I needed to be within arm's reach of her when she went down, because she was going down. I knew that for sure.

Her heartbeat was steadily increasing and her breaths per minute were rapidly decreasing. By the time I reached where she was standing with Carlisle, I could see that her lips were blue and her eyes were beginning to roll back in her head. She couldn't do this alone. She needed all of us, but at that moment, she needed me. If I ever was sure of anything in my long life, it was that. Edward was yelling for me to stand down, Emmett was yelling for him to get off my ass, Esme and Alice were yelling at me to not break the treaty, and Rosalie was just yelling. All I truly heard in that moment were agonized gasps for breath and the racing thrum of an oxygen-depleted heart.

I knew that the subconscious programming that I had left her with was still in effect, I could see it when she was on the back porch with her lit cigarette earlier. I knew that she had been trying to summon me, and for the first time, it hadn't worked. Her disappointment had been tangible. I knew that I needed to get her to call for me, to 'invite' me to cross the line. Despite the warnings from Edward, I began to call to her. To appeal to that part of her that remembered my promise that I would always come to her if she called.

"Bella!"

A flicker of recognition passed over her face.

"Bella!"

I tried again, hoping that she wasn't already too far gone.

"Bella, ask me to come! I can't come to you unless you ask!"

She was going down, there were maybe thirty seconds left and whether she called me or not, I had already made the decision that I was going to help her, consequences be damned. I recalled the details of the specific mental program I had left her with and chose to ignore the warnings and threats that were spewing from Edward's mouth.

"Come on Darlin' – just give a holler and I'll come runnin'."

I poured on the accent because that seemed to be what she responded too, but I could see that even that wasn't having any effect. She was slumping down, her body no longer able to hold itself up. She would be unconscious on the ground in less than 10 seconds.

"Please, Bella, do it now!"

It has never been in my nature to beg for anything but I was begging now. I didn't want to make trouble for Carlisle with the wolves and the only way to avoid that was for her to say the one word I was waiting for.

_Why won't she just say it? What else do I have to do?_

A memory of Charlotte flashed through my mind. We had once changed twin sisters at the same time and they both woke up at the exact same moment, and man, were they pissed. I was able to subdue the one, but Charlotte and Peter were on their own with her sister. While Peter had been yelling at her to get a grip and accept her new reality, Charlotte had gently whispered in the frightened girl's ear and managed to gain her calm with one little Louisianan-accented word.

_Char, don't fail me now – and may Peter NEVER hear about this as I KNOW I would never live it down!_

"Now, _bébé_, do it now!"

"_J – ah – sss – per." _

I had her before the word had even left her lips. Her fragile body trembled as she lay weightlessly in my arms, her brown eyes staring unseeingly at my face. Her breathing and heart rate were regulating but her mind had gone into complete lockdown.

"Gone," she whispered.

"Yes, bébé," I confirmed. I gently rocked her and poured everything I had into comforting her and trying to bring her back to awareness.

"Gone." It was a statement.

"Gone." It was a stifled sob.

"Gone." It was a mantra that she repeated over and over again, her eyes unseeing, and her body completely slack as I held her against me.

Carlisle came close and began assessing her vital signs, while the rest of the family kept their distance, still not wanting to break the damn rules. Edward was shaking his head angrily and making no attempt to hide his fury.

"Put her down now, Jasper." He seethed. "You have no right to be holding her. You are breaking the treaty, now release her so that Carlisle can take her back into the house and the rest of us can leave."

_Yeah, that's not gonna happen. _ I sent that thought at him and was awaiting his brilliant response when Carlisle interjected,

"She is in severe shock. This is incredibly dangerous. Humans can die from untreated shock, Edward."

Maybe that's so, but it won't be happening on my watch.

Edward persisted in driving his point home, "Carlisle, I agree that she should be treated for the acute stress reaction she is experiencing. I know that _you_ are more than capable of doing that. Then, you can leave her with a prescription of anti depressants to help keep her psychologically and emotionally stabilized over the long term." He gestured toward her unconscious form. "Sam and Seth promised to return shortly, and when they do, you can give them instructions for her care and then we can leave her be. He CANNOT go in there with her, it's in violation of the treaty and his eyes are black, Carlisle, it's not safe."

Edward's head twitched in the direction of the rest of the family. He must have been hearing their thoughts about five seconds before I was pelted with their outrage, frustration, and anger about being forced to leave Bella once again. Everyone was about a half a breath away from voicing their opinions aloud but Carlisle spoke first.

"Jasper has to stay with her tonight. She needs a buffer against the emotional stress of everything or else it could very well kill her, Edward. I know that you think that it's best for her if we leave, but not yet, son. Leaving her now, like this, is as good as signing her death warrant ourselves. She won't survive without Jasper and I monitoring her condition. Right now, we must stabilize her. I can't even think about leaving her in this condition, it would be in violation of _everything _that I believe in."

Even though it had been Alice's idea for us to find the Cullens initially, I had known that I wouldn't be able to pledge my allegiance to someone I didn't respect or couldn't aspire to be like. My years with Maria had taught me that. My initial meeting with Carlisle Cullen had laid all those fears to rest, but if there had been any lingering doubts, they definitely would have been extinguished in that moment by the way he spoke to Edward. The whole family was echoing the gratitude and relief that I was feeling. I allowed it to wash over Carlisle briefly. His only response was to squeeze my shoulder and direct me toward the house.

I chose to enter through her bedroom, as it was the closest entry point to the house. The "gone's" immediately turned to "no's" and she began to fight against me in an effort to remove herself from the room. The pain that being in that particular room brought her was indescribable.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered into her hair as I pulled her face into my shoulder and ran with her into her living room.

I tried to gently lay her on the couch so that Carlisle could assess her and treat her properly for shock but she wouldn't let go of me. She continued to cling to me and whisper 'no' despite my reassurances that I wasn't going to go anywhere. I attempted to sit with my back against the back of the couch, my feet on the floor and both he and I worked to position her so that she was lying across me, but again, she resisted. Instead, she maneuvered herself so that she was curled into a fetal position with her head on my shoulder and her knees drawn up against my chest.

Carlisle sighed and covered us both with a fleece blanket that hung over the back of the couch. Then, he went in search of more blankets. I tried to tuck the blanket around her so that my lack of body heat wouldn't continue to contribute to the chills that were wracking her body.

"Please," she whispered as she caught my hand as I was moving to tuck her in. Her fingers wrapped tightly around the leather cuff that Carlisle had given me long ago. She was not even close to being lucid, and was operating solely on instinct. She pulled my cuff-clad arm into her chest, cradling it protectively against her and then she began to rock back and forth in my arms. I mimicked her rhythm and pace and she relaxed against me, allowing me to rock her instead. She maintained her fierce grip on my cuff with one hand, but began to reverently stroke it with the other. She murmured to herself softly.

"Alone."

"Nothing."

"Gone."

"Empty."

"Nothing."

"Nothing."

"Nothing."

This was becoming the new mantra and she began to move in a way that indicated that she wanted me to rock her faster. Carlisle returned and covered her with more blankets, and then watched and listened for a moment.

"How much of this are you buffering?" He asked quietly.

I pondered the question for a minute. "I'd say about seventy-five percent." It was hard to know exactly because emotions are not static, tangible things that can be counted or contained in any quantifiable kind of way. I was doing my best to absorb Bella's emotions but until the intensity dissipated, that was all that I could do.

Carlisle watched her helplessly for a moment before he pushed the coffee table away from the couch and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of us. He closed his eyes and I could feel positive emotions begin to flow from him. He was trying to give me something to work with, something that I could re-infuse into her to counteract her sorrow. It wouldn't take it away, but maybe it would make it more manageable. He was focusing on love and it was simply pouring from him. I pushed it toward her and could immediately tell that she felt it. She relaxed further into my arms and her heart rate and breathing began to move from its agitated level toward a more normal rate.

We sat like that with her for hours. Carlisle continued to send her his love. I continued to rock her and praise her for doing so well. She continually had a positive reaction every time I called her bébé, so I kept doing it even though I could hear Emmett snickering out in the forest each time I said the word. He wasn't going to let me forget this, I knew that much. Her grip on my cuff never lessened. She continued to stroke it in time with our rocking, like it was the most precious thing in the world. Her sense of loss was still overpowering, yet something about my cuff seemed to help take the slightest edge off of those feelings.

On impulse, I slid the piece of leather off of my arm and gently onto hers. Her reaction was immediate. She sighed and cradled her arm against her chest once more. I wrapped my arms around her and continued to rock her.

Eventually, Sam returned with Seth and Quil. All three men were immersed in their own sorrow, but there was something else. Something had happened when they had gone to lay Jacob Black to rest. Something big. I could sense it, though they were somehow shielding me and I couldn't actually name the emotion they were feeling. All I did know was that it had to do with Bella and their reactions to seeing me with her were varied and severe. Seth was relieved. Quil was disheartened and Sam, well, I could almost see the rage boiling off of him the moment he spotted me on the couch holding Bella.

"Put her down and get out of here." His voice was quiet, measured, deadly.

"She extended me an invitation. I am here legitimately." I matched his tone and returned his impassive glare.

"Sam, she was going into shock, and still is. She recognized that she required assistance and asked Jasper to come to her. In my opinion, we need to be here to ensure she's stabilized and to monitor her condition." Carlisle informed calmly from his place on the floor.

"She seems just fine now. We can take it from here." He wasn't going to be dissuaded.

"Jasper is buffering the bulk of her emotions right now, Sam, that's why she seems alright to you. I assure you, though, that she is not. She suffered a complete emotional breakdown after you left and has yet to regain consciousness. It wouldn't be responsible for us to leave her yet."

"I understand and I absolve you of any further responsibility in this matter, _Doctor_. Thank you very much for all of your _help._" He sneered, looking down at Carlisle. "Now," he turned to me and leaned in as he spoke, "please give me my sister and kindly vacate her home and this town."

In that moment, I knew that I had a few choices available to me. Any of the ones that involved me or Carlisle actually going anywhere were easily discarded. I chose the one that I knew may initially hurt Bella, but would definitely help her in the long run. I allowed him to take her from my arms and as he took her, I removed my influence from her. She began to cry softly.

Both Carlisle and I stood and walked toward the front door. We got about five steps away from her when something unexpected happened. Jacob Black's voice suddenly filled the room.

"Bella? Bella. Bella! Answer your phone, answer your phone, Carrot. Come on, Bells, you know you wanna! Answer your phone you sexy girl! Come on, Bells, answer your pho…" The sound cut off as Seth dove toward a cell phone that was sitting in a docking station on a table in the hall. He checked the call display and then shook his head, irritably.

Bella's scream was indescribable. The pain that followed was crippling.

"No…Jake… please… no… I can't… I can't… please… Jake… help me… help me… Jasper… Jasper… JASPER!" And then she was screaming and thrashing violently against Sam. Her screams were heartbreaking and I could feel the effect they were having on Sam and the others.

"Y'all have a good evening now," I drawled as I tipped an imaginary cowboy hat at them and continued to make my way toward the door. Carlisle's confusion was palpable but he followed my lead and opened the door for me.

"If you're going to leave, please, kill me, Jasper! KILL ME! JASPER! CARLISLE! KILL! ME! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!" Carlisle's confusion was turning to genuine concern and fear for Bella's emotional and physical well-being. He moved to block my exit. I flooded him with reassurance and was half-way through the doorway when Sam's voice stopped me,

"You can't leave her like this. I don't know what to do for her, she won't let me help her."

I turned to see that Bella had wriggled out of Sam's arms and was lying in a heap on the floor, rocking back and forth and screaming nonsensically. Her breathing was shallow and her heart rate was dangerously high. Anytime that Sam, Quil, or Seth tried to touch her or talk to her, she flinched away and screamed all the louder.

"_If_ we stay, you _will_ treat him with respect." I stated firmly, gesturing toward Carlisle, "You will not interfere with my methods whatsoever. Agreed?"

He nodded begrudgingly and I was back at Bella's side in an instant. I picked her up and she promptly curled back into me assuming the exact position she had been in earlier. Her screams decreased but didn't cease.

"Hush bébé, hush now, it's alright." I soothed and began to rock her again as I had before.

"I can't stop," she panted out. "I can't…. I can't … I can't … OH GOD! HELP ME, JASPER! HELP ME! SNAP MY NECK! IF YOU CARE AT ALL, SNAP MY NECK!" She started screaming incoherently again. I was trying desperately to restore the balance I had had on her emotions but it was proving to be a very difficult challenge, even for me.

Okay, time to mobilize a new strategic plan.

"Seth, is the power off on that phone?" When he nodded I continued, "Are there any other devices that could randomly go off and cause Bella emotional harm?" He nodded again and reached for a second cell phone and turned that one off as well. "Alright then, I need you and Quil to go upstairs and stay with the children. If either of them wakes up, please do not allow them to come down here while she is like this. Understood?" They both nodded solemnly and while Quil proceeded quietly upstairs, Seth detoured into the kitchen.

"Seth, get away from the bloody window and do as he said," Sam growled.

"I know but something's out there, I can feel it, I just need to see…"

"I already told you, there is nothing to see, now go upstairs and stay away from the fucking windows." It was a direct order and Seth obeyed without another word. Sam was angry with Seth but there was something else underneath it, a deep-seated concern and – fear?

I wasn't able to ponder that for long as I redirected my attention to the frantic woman in my arms. I was awash with her pain, her sorrow, her guilt. Grief exploded violently from her and I questioned the wisdom of trying to make it stop entirely. There needed to be a way to channel this constructively. I made my decision, but not before warning anyone who was listening that they might not agree with my choice of therapy.

"Let it out, Bella, just let it out. I won't let it hurt you, bébé," I whispered as I clamped my hand over her mouth gently. She began to scream with a renewed vigor. Her unfocused eyes were black and wild with her despair. I could feel that this method was actually helping her to work through her emotions. I allowed her to continue to scream, despite Sam and Carlisle's concern and the rest of the family's protestations from beyond the boundary line.

Eventually, she fell into an exhausted slumber. I held her while she slept. The possibility of laying her down never even crossed my mind. Her body and mind were spent and I couldn't risk another episode, I just didn't think that she had it in her at that point. I held my influence over her to keep her in a deep and dreamless sleep. All too soon, Sam suggested that she be awoken so we could assess her emotional state.

I wanted her to have at least a few more hours of sleep before she had to face the harsh realities the day would surely bring. Carlisle, however, agreed with Sam and thought that it would be best to let her have her reaction, whatever it would be, away from the impressionable minds of her children. They were discussing options for her recovery. Like Edward, Sam was fixated on using a pharmaceutical approach. He wanted Carlisle to write a prescription for a low-dose anti-depressant and then for us to be on our way. Carlisle launched into a dissertation about the uses and abuses of anti-depressants in the North American Society and how he wasn't entirely convinced that Bella's situation called for them just yet.

I went on to explain that we didn't want to suppress her body's natural response to the grieving process because that could only lead to extenuating issues like drug dependency. We wanted to support her in the journey she was on and help her mind to slowly embrace and accept her new reality holistically, not chemically. Carlisle said that anything that he would prescribe for her would only be for a maximum of five days and no more, just enough to get her through the heaviest of the emotional onslaught. He would not want to see her on any kind of long-term protocol at this point.

"Shouldn't she be on some kind of breathing machine?" Sam asked, attempting to re-direct the conversation as he gestured to where she lay in my arms, her lips held a slight blue tinge, her breaths were coming out in un-even, ragged gasps.

Carlisle pondered the question for a moment and then shook his head slowly, "Again, that is an option, Sam, but I definitely don't think that it is needed at this point in time."

I just held her for a moment, watching her face as she slept. She almost looked peaceful – almost. My heart was aching for her and I did not envy the pain that she would have to face when she woke. My military mind was formulating an incremented plan that would assist in helping her to gradually come to terms with the loss of her husband. It wasn't going to be an easy journey, but I intended to stay and help her through it. The rest of the family could leave if they wanted to; I wasn't going to guilt them into staying. I didn't operate like that, unlike some people. I could feel his displeasure at my decision but I really didn't care, I didn't live my life to please Edward Cullen and I sure as hell wasn't about to start now.

"Jasper," Carlisle said softly, "it really would be prudent if you allow her to wake up now. We really do need to know what we are dealing with here."

I nodded, begrudgingly. Ever so slowly, I began to lift the veil of sleep that was covering her. It took a few minutes, but gradually, she began to ascend to the surface of her consciousness. I could feel her every reaction. First there was panic, she moved her hand and it hit lightly against my chest. Then there was relief, so much so that I could almost taste it. She surprised me by quickly rolling so that her face was in my neck. Her desire was strong as I felt her warm lips searing my skin with passionate, hungry, open-mouthed kisses. She worked her way up my neck and jaw, and I was momentarily rendered paralyzed by this unexpected reaction. This was not in the plan. I needed to re-strategize and quickly. She was at my lips before I had a plan B, and then… and then.

Hot, wet, unrestrained, unquenchable fire.

She was fire.

Ready to consume me without fear.

She wanted me and would take me right there on the couch in front of Sam, Carlisle and anyone else who might be watching. She swirled her tongue into my mouth and I was overcome by the sensation. I needed to be the gentleman that my mama raised me to be, but in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to join in the dance she was initiating. Her taste was beyond description. Reluctantly, I returned the kiss as chastely as I could, trying to bring it quickly to a conclusion without hurting her feelings and then suddenly, she just…stopped.

Everything stopped and for one tiny breath, there was nothing and then – everything.

Realization plowed into her like a locomotive on the fast track. She was quickly succumbing once again, and was on the verge of unconsciousness when Plan B finally crystallized before my eyes.

I withdrew all sensation from her except for her ability to hear my voice. Then I spoke, encouraging her to breathe and when she couldn't, I pressed my lips to hers again and carefully breathed her back from the edge of unconsciousness. Of course, mouth-to-mouth respiration isn't kissing, but after what we had already shared, it felt just as intimate, maybe even more so. While I worked with Bella, I could hear everything else that was going on.

I could hear Sam's renewed argument to Carlisle that she did in fact require a ventilator or something to regulate her breathing. It absolutely wouldn't be acceptable for me to be seen breathing for her all day long.

I could hear Carlisle's rebuttal that medical intervention could be a possibility, but that Sam needed to trust in my methods as he had agreed to do.

I heard Sam say that I had never stated that my method consisted of sexually exploiting a grieving widow.

I heard Emmett whoop and congratulate me, telling me that Peter would be so proud, _bébé_.

I heard Rose tell him to shut up.

I heard Edward question my control. He then ordered me to release Bella, to stop being inappropriate with her, and to stop damaging Carlisle's reputation in the process.

I heard Esme tell him to shut up, lovingly of course, but still, she was firm as she told him that he needed to have faith in me and my methods.

I heard Alice agree and defend my control, "I might not know much anymore, but he's got this Edward, he won't hurt her."

But above it all, I only heard _her_. She was everything in that moment. Nothing else even remotely mattered or was a factor. It was just her. Her breaths, her sighs, her fear, her pain, _her_. Slowly, I would bring her back only for her own curiosity to push her over the edge again. With painstaking care, I helped maintain the oxygen level that her body needed to maintain consciousness, but really, it was so much more than that. Every time my lips met hers, I felt it. It was in every inhalation, every exhalation, every time she gripped my shirt, or said my name, or turned in the direction of my voice…it was there.

Purpose.

Meaning.

Objective.

Mission.

I couldn't reconcile the thoughts and feelings that I was having. I knew beyond the shadow of any uncertainty that I was invested in this mission, wholly and completely and in a way that I hadn't ever been invested in anything before. The gauntlet had been dropped. The war against grief had begun. Bella's battle was now also mine, and there was no way in hell that I was going to let The Hunter win this one.

**A/N****-** **Well, there it is! Not sure if it's actually a chapter or an outtake since it really doesn't advance the story but I have been told that it is necessary as it explains how the original canon storyline from New Moon evolves to become a Jasper/Bella storyline in this reality… I dunno… The truth is, I'm not in love with this chapter and I think that is why it has taken so stinkin' long for me to post it. This is a really tough story to write and I'm digging into some places that I don't really want to revisit to get to where I need to be in order to write the story the way I know it needs to be written. I am definitely committed to finishing this story and I just want to thank you all so very much for hanging in and waiting so patiently for updates. I know that I suck and I am really trying to fix that! I greatly appreciate the PM's of encouragement that I have received, I can't tell you how much they mean to me. I am humbled and awed by the love that exists for this story and that I'm still receiving favorite alerts even though I haven't posted an update in almost four months just blows my freaking mind! From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! I love you guys so very much! **

**As always, Meddz, my wonderful friend and beta has laid her hands on this and made it all shiny and pretty for you guys. She is so very special, I can't even begin to count the ways! She is a pearl among the prairie oysters and you can't have her cuz she's mine! Thank you, cupcake, you know why! Go and read her entries for the Twilight 25 Challenge, you won't regret it! **

**Thank you so much to BamaBabe, Gredelina1, Kammy68 and Juliannanight for being available to pre-read, hand-hold, butt-kick. You girls are my angels and I love you and appreciate your support more than I can say! Big hugs and kisses go to my sweet Smelsies for recommending actual books (gasp!) for me to escape in while I was waiting for my groove to return. **

**Plus also, I have been nominated for a Walk of Fame award under the Rising Starlet Category. Thank you so much Gredelina1 for nominating me. They haven't announced the winners yet, so I am waiting with baited breath! Thank you also to Meddz for nominating me and ATD for three Avant Garde Awards, we didn't win but were just incredibly honored to be nominated! Congratulations to all the winners! There are some righteous stories there, go check it ouuuuut! **

**Until Next time,**

**Krista **


	9. Happiness

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs- **** Happiness by The Fray**

**Tissue Index****- Moderate, I'm thinkin…**

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

"… Today will be overcast and rainy with a not so high of fifty-five degrees. Thursday, still overcast but temperatures will be higher and we could top out at about seventy degrees. Not bad for July in Forks. Currently, there is a zero percent chance of precipitation for tomorrow but we all know how quickly that could change...

In local news, the memorial service for area resident, Jacob Black, will be held tomorrow at 3pm at First Beach on the La Push reservation. Jacob Black was the son-in-law of Fork's Police Chief, Charlie Swan. The twenty-five-year-old Black died suddenly Sunday night from anaphylactic shock brought on by a reaction to a flu virus. Mr. Black is survived by his wife, Bella, twenty-three, and their two young children, Four-and-a-half-year-old Masen and an almost three-year-old Elizabeth or Bethie as she is known around town. In lieu of flowers, an education fund has been set up for the Black children at the Sterling Savings Bank.

The family has requested that anyone attending tomorrow's service please wear the color red and bring a lawn chair as there will be a potluck and bonfire immediately following the memorial service. A map and directions to La Push can be found on our website.

In related news, the Clallam County Health Department wants to remind all residents that flu shots are available at most of the pharmacies in and around town for any interested residents. More information can be found on their website, triple w dot Clallam dot net. "

The opening guitar riff to some 80's heavy metal song began to play as I continued to vomit noisily into my kitchen sink. I had thought that I could handle making a piece of toast on my own and had turned the radio on for some company. Obviously, that was my first mistake.

For the first time since Jasper had re-entered my life as _Dr. Whitlock _two days ago, I had woken up by myself on the couch. He had been a constant in the turbulence of the last few days and I instantly missed him – probably more than I should, but I didn't let myself dwell on that. Seth and Juliet were stretched out side by side on the living room floor, fast asleep. It didn't even faze them when I accidentally stepped on Seth's hand in my attempt to slip stealthily off of the sofa. Slip being the operative word.

After days of only eating a bite here and there, I had actually felt hungry enough to attempt some semblance of a breakfast. Nothing I heard on the radio was new information and the announcer had pretty much read verbatim from the obituary that I had written for Jake. I knew exactly what was going to be happening in just over twenty-four hours, I just wasn't prepared to have it broadcast into my kitchen.

My stomach refused to settle and I half laid myself across the counter in exhaustion all the while keeping my head over the sink. I was assaulted by wave after wave and just as I began to ponder whether or not it was possible to vomit up one's own stomach, it stopped. I was a shaking mess as I was lifted tenderly off the countertop and tucked into the place that had become mine over the last few days. He carried me into the living room, all the while whispering apologies, murmuring reassurances, and issuing death threats against insensitive radio DJ's dedicated to public service.

"I'm so sorry, bébé, I meant to be back before you awoke, but Carlisle insisted that I hunt." I nodded my understanding against his chest as he rocked me slowly. "Esme made you some broth, maybe you could try some in a little while?" I nodded again. This was what we did. We rocked together on the couch in between emotionally draining episodes that ended in me either hyperventilating or throwing up or sometimes both. We would quietly discuss what I would be attempting to eat next or what the next big issue would be that I would be required to deal with. The hope was that talking about it in advance would make it easier when the time came. It never did and the cycle would begin again. This was my new normal.

As much as possible, Jasper kept me cloaked in that light grey fog that I had come to love so much. He said that it was really good for me, that I was healing in that place. He said that my episodes were actually decreasing in intensity because of the time I was spending allowing my mind and body to adjust to my new reality. I still felt like an emotional train wreck but he said that it was all part of the process and that I was doing really well. I didn't believe him for a minute.

The last few days had been a waking nightmare. If I hadn't had the sanctuary of Jasper and my grey place, I don't think I could have made it this far. Telling my children that Daddy had indeed gone to the special place and wouldn't be able to come back nearly killed me. Masen had been inconsolable. I have never seen him cry so hard. All I could do was hold him, there just were no words to say. Bethie didn't understand and she won't stop asking when Jake is coming back. She's still too little to truly grasp the concept and that is almost sadder because it makes me wonder if she will end up forgetting Jake all together as she gets older.

Charlie had taken the kids to stay with him and Sue for a few days while I dealt with the task of arranging Jake's memorial service and beginning the laborious process of getting all of Jake's final affairs in order. Sam and my dad had been by everyday to help but we soon learned that I could only handle dealing with any of it for very short periods before breaking down. Charlie wasn't fairing much better. I thought that he was going to bust a blood vessel in his neck when he found out that there was less than a hundred dollars in our joint bank account. He had made a list of everyone who owed us money and left without saying another word.

As people had been finding out about Jake, they had been dropping by to offer their condolences. I couldn't see my kitchen table for flower arrangements, my mantle was similarly buried in sympathy cards and my freezer was stuffed to capacity with casserole dishes. I had enough chili and lasagna on hand to provide for the next ten Super Bowl parties.

Thanks in part to most human's inherent aversion to vampires, most of the well-wishers hadn't made it past Jasper at the front door. I was glad for that. As it was, I was ready to commit a homicide if one more person asked me how I was, or worse, how Bella was. I don't know why speaking in the third person seems to make some people feel more comfortable when they are discussing sensitive topics, but if Bella is asked one more time how she is, Bella is going to freaking lose it. So, when the doorbell rang, I groaned audibly and tried to bury myself a little deeper against Jasper's chest.

"It's Mike Newton," He informed with a soft chuckle, "would you like to ignore it?"

I sighed and shook my head, "No, Mike's a good buddy." I saw Jasper's look of shock. "Really, he and Jake ended up being quite close. The kids call him 'Unca Mikey'. I should see him. I still need to ask him if he will… um… you know….help out tomorrow?" Jasper nodded and gently slid me onto the couch cushions. He pulled a pair of dark-framed glasses out of his shirt pocket and put them on before gracefully moving around Seth and Juliet to go let Mike in.

I pulled myself up and did a better job this time of getting around the sleeping speed bumps. I walked toward the doorway where I could hear Mike and Jasper talking. Jasper had just stepped out of the way and gestured for Mike to come in to the house.

"Doctor of Psychology huh? Wow, that's cool. And now you're back here helping out Bella and the kids, what a small world hey? Oh…uh… hey, Bella, how ya doing? Oh, wait, sorry, I… uh… you… uh… look good? You holding up okay?" He stepped toward me, genuine concern etched on his features.

I told him what I knew he wanted to hear, what _everyone _wanted to hear, "Yeah, Mike, I'm doing alright."

He moved to pull me into a hug that was made very awkward by the fact that he was holding two very large, very bulky plastic bags with _Newton's Outfitters_ emblazoned on the sides. He ended up whacking me in the back of the legs with one of them as he was pulling out of our hug.

"You moving in?" I asked, eyeing the bags speculatively.

"Oh… uh…no, I wasn't planning on it, uh, unless you want me too," he grinned sheepishly, "I, well, my mom, actually, thought that you might need these for tomorrow. She ordered them for the kids as soon as we found out where the service was going to be." He pulled out a pair of red and black polka dotted rain boots and a matching weather resistant microfiber jacket that looked like it would fit Bethie perfectly. Beside that he placed a red, white, and black plaid set that I knew would be meant for Masen. This was definitely better than flowers or a casserole. I was speechless. He was still digging through the bags though and I felt my eyes begin to well up as he placed a pair of red lace up boots with a small heel in front of me. There was also a beautiful red jacket but I could barely make it out through the veil of tears.

"I… Mike, this is so generous, I don't even know what to say." I went to hug him again, catching Jasper's amused expression out of the corner of my eye. "Thank you, Mike."

"You're welcome, Bella. My mom, well, she figured that you could use them down at the beach tomorrow. They say it's gonna be dry, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. This stuff'll keep you and the kiddos warm and dry." He patted my back awkwardly and I realized that I was still clinging to him. I sniffed and swiped at my eyes as I stepped back and took a seat on the bottom step of the stairs. That little exchange had left me feeling completely exhausted.

We talked for a few minutes about nothing and everything. He wanted to know why Jake's age was wrong in his obituary and I told him that it was because Charlie was worried that someone would figure out that Jake had been underage when we had conceived Masen and decide to press charges. Mike just laughed, "Bella, he's not fooling anybody. _Everybody_ knows what went down but _nobody_ cares. When it's right, it's just right, right? Nobody's gonna dispute that."

Was it right? If it was right then surely Jake wouldn't have died. If it was right, I wouldn't be a widow at twenty-three and my children wouldn't be legally considered orphans in the State of Washington. Anything that resulted in Jake's death couldn't be right. The bitter truth lanced through my heart and I had to blink rapidly to hold more tears at bay.

"Yeah, Mike." I mumbled, "I guess so." I caught Jasper watching me intently out of the corner of my eye so I quickly changed the subject to the kids and how, despite my best efforts, they always ended up soaking wet when we went to La Push. He told me that the jackets he brought were made of that stuff that kept you warm when it was cold and cool when it was hot by taking any moisture away from the body. I wanted to laugh when he used the word _wick_ but I didn't. He was so serious and it felt good to focus on something that actually wasn't earth-shattering for once. After a few minutes of silence, he cleared his throat and quietly asked,

"When was the last time you had a shower or a bath or something, Bella?" The question wasn't unkind, I knew that I stunk and looked like complete hell. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it as that meant that I would have to go near our bedroom and I absolutely couldn't. Jasper had brought it up a few times but he never pushed and I always managed to somehow avoid directly addressing it. I sighed.

"It was before, you know, everything… happened, Mike, I, you know, I can't go in there." I gestured toward the room at the back of the house.

"Maybe you just need someone to come in with you? I could imagine it would be hard to go in there since that's where it all, uh, happened, right?" I nodded, relieved that someone understood and I didn't have to spell it out.

"Well, you know, I could, um…" He ran his hand through his short blonde hair and my heart. Stopped.

Was Mike Newton going to offer to help me with my shower? Was this really happening? Please, Mike, please don't offer because in the state I'm in, I know that I will have to say –

"… Ask my mom to come over and give you a hand if you would like." Mike finished and I'm sure my relief was palpable.

"Oh, yeah?" I was so touched and surprised by his thoughtfulness, "That would be so nice, do you, you know, do you think that she would mind? I wouldn't want to imp – "

Jasper interjected, "Actually, Mike, my sister, Alice is going to drop by in a little while to help Bella."

She is? Since when? And wait just a cotton-pickin' minute… his _sister_?

It's a good thing that I was sitting down or I think I would have fallen down.

Mike was equally surprised, "Your sister? Oh yeah? She's here too? Cool! I uh, yeah, always thought you guys were more, but, uh, I guess I was wrong, hey?" Jasper just nodded.

What. The. Heck?

"Okay, so I guess I'll get going, but you can call me if you need too, Bella." He moved into the open doorway then and I remembered that I had something else to ask him.

"Mike, wait. I wanted to ask you if would, you know, like to be a part of this thing the guys are, you know, doing for…Jake. They're calling it an honor guard and it's, you know, kind of a big deal?"

"Oh, yeah, Sam called me about it. Of course I'll do it Bella. Jake was a good guy, he didn't deserve this." He shook his head sadly. "I don't know if you ever knew that he came into the store shortly after you found out that you were expecting Masen?" I shook my head. "Yeah, he apologized for being a jerk that night that the three of us went out. I told him it was cool and he asked me to make sure that you weren't doing any of the heavy lifting around the store. I asked him why and he asked me if I could keep a secret. He told me about the baby and how he was really worried that you were going to get hurt since Eric had already accidentally hit you in the stomach with his laptop case in the halls. I told him that I would take care of it." I remembered that. I knew that Jake had been worried and that Mike's demeanor toward me had suddenly changed around the same time. He had become really protective of me, but more like a brother then a potential boyfriend. I hadn't made the connection before that the two of them had been in cahoots.

"And that's why he's never charged you for oil changes or any of the work he's done on your car," I breathed, finally putting the pieces together. I had always known that there was some kind of 'man deal' at work between those two but I never knew the exact details.

"Uh, yeah, that's why, Bella. I tried to pay over the years, especially once I was no longer a starving student but, yeah, he said my money was no good with him."

"Yeah, that sounds like something Jake would say."

"He always said the same thing too, he said, "Mike, you helped me out and took care of my family when I couldn't, it's the least I can do to thank you."

I stifled a sob. The air was starting to feel too thick. Thankfully, I could feel Jasper starting to grey my edges for me and I hoped he could feel my gratitude.

"Thanks for telling me that, Mike."

"Of course," he drummed his fingers on the doorframe like he was contemplating something. "Hey, Bella? Maybe when things are, uh, calmer? We could go up to Port Angeles for a movie one night or something? For old times sake?"

'Yeah, I don't know, Mike, we don't have the best track record with that…" His face fell slightly so I quickly suggested, "But, we could, you know, rent Face Punch and watch it here one night after the kids are in bed or something?"

"Oh God, Bella, anything but Face Punch! What is it with you and that movie?" he actually looked a little nauseous but his laugh was genuine and I felt better. "They've got a new one now, Sucker Punch? Why don't we go see that?"

I just didn't know what to say. It felt so surreal to even be remotely contemplating this on the eve of my husband's funeral. Thankfully, Jasper sensed my discomfort and intervened.

"You know, Mike, speaking of movies, I neglected to tell you that Bella's brother put together a tribute DVD for Jacob and will be showing it here tonight at seven-thirty. You are more than welcome to attend."

Mike looked as astonished as I felt seeing as this was the first time that I was hearing about this as well. He smiled at Jasper, "Okay, sounds good," They shook hands and then he was out the door calling over his shoulder, "Take care of yourself, Bella, and, uh, don't forget about that shower okay?"

"Yeah, Mike, I won't… oh and Mike? Thanks."

Jasper closed the door. I was just about to ask him about the DVD that he had mentioned, when Seth suddenly appeared in the hallway looking more alert than I have seen in days. He was watching Jasper with a wary expression but there was an excitement to him that he couldn't contain.

"Did I hear you say that Alice is coming over?" He was scratching the back of his neck and trying to appear nonchalant, trying and failing miserably. His eyes shone with an eagerness that border-lined on embarrassing.

"Yeah, uh, why did you say that, Jasper? She's not really coming over, is she?" Seth's face instantly fell and his shoulders slumped.

Jasper was leaning against the door he had just closed, assessing us. It seemed like he was trying to choose his words carefully. "That's a real possibility, Bella. She definitely _could_ come over…"

"Well if she _could, _then why _doesn't_ she?" I could feel myself getting angry with his cryptic response and the way he suddenly looked like he had a big secret he couldn't tell me. I had spent all this time thinking that he was on the level with me and now I was finding out that he was holding things back and I wanted to know why.

"Would you _like_ her too?"

"Does she _want_ to?" I was beginning to see red. Was he deliberately trying to upset me?

"Yes, she does."

"Well, then I would _like_ her too." I was seething. I felt like my blood was actually boiling – if that was even possible.

"Okay then." He was so cucumber cool it only served to incense me more. I could think of a thing or two I would like to do with a cucumber right about then…

"Okay" I ground out, feeling anything but okay in that moment.

It seemed like he and Seth were both waiting for something to happen. No one moved and nothing happened. Then Seth sighed,

"That was too vague," He said wistfully, "it has to be more of a direct invit –" He stopped as if he had suddenly bit his tongue. He opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out.

Realization dawned on me. I knew that look, I had seen it plenty times before, "There's an alpha order on you, Seth." I was initially surprised, but then my anger took hold again and it only served to fuel the bonfire that was already raging inside. "Why the hell is there an alpha order on you, Seth?"

He opened his mouth again but couldn't force out the words. Of course he couldn't, otherwise, there would be no need for the order now would there?

Jasper was listening to something that I couldn't hear. He mumbled something too fast for me to understand before fixing me with an intent stare. "So what you are saying then is that you, Bella Black, are extending an invitation to Alice Cullen to enter your home?"

"Um, YES!" I yelled, belligerently, "I, Bella Black, would like very much for Alice Cullen, and any other Cullen for that matter, to come into my house right the fu –"

Jasper opened the front door and there stood none other than Alice.

I immediately started shaking and could feel that I was on the verge of hyperventilating.

Alice quickly had me in her arms and was whispering soothing words into my hair.

"Oh Bella, I'm so very, very sorry, honey. We didn't mean to upset you. It's okay, now, everything is okay."

"Alice," I gasped, "Everything is such a mess right now."

"I know, Bella, that's why I'm here. It's going to be okay, Bella."

She kept whispering the words while I worked at regulating my breathing in my Jasper-induced breathing space.

After a few minutes, Seth cleared his throat.

"Um, Bella, do you, um, do you think that you could, um, introduce me, um to your, um friend?"

What the hell, Seth? I went from calm back to blinding anger in an instant. Why was he making this about him? It had nothing to do with him and why would he be interested in whether or not I introduced him to Alice of all people? I don't even think I introduced him to Jasper, they just seemed to know who each other was, but now, on top of everything he is expecting me to play Molly Manners and perform introductions, he can just go fu –

"Bella," Jasper said my name quietly and instantly the rage was gone. The red haze was chased away by feelings of empathy and compassion for Seth.

I glanced up at him and saw a look of desperation in Seth's eyes as he watched me and Alice embracing on the bottom stair. He looked like he was in some kind of pain that I just couldn't understand. I was confused for a second and then it all came rushing back into my grief addled brain. Suddenly, I remembered it all. Like watching a movie in reverse, my mind reviewed the events of the last few days, finally settling on an image of Seth and Alice in my backyard and the realization of something very important that had been put on the back-burner. Seth had imprinted on Alice. Alice, who was now in my front hall, holding me. Alice, who was married to Jasper even though he had referred to her as his sister. Alice, Seth's immortal enemy.

I spent a moment asking myself how I was planning to handle this one. I finally came to the conclusion that it's always best to start at the beginning and go from there. If things started to get out of control, I could always start hyperventilating, I reasoned. With my plan firmly established, I took a breath and turned to Alice.

"Alice Cullen, I would like to introduce you to my new brother, Seth Clearwater. Seth, this is my friend and Jasper's _wife_, Alice Cullen."

"Hello, Alice, it is a pleasure to meet you." His voice was as soft as I had ever heard it. It was like we were standing in a church or something and Seth had just discovered that angels actually exist, though I guess to him, he just had. His eyes never left her face. It was like he was worried that she could disappear if he blinked, so he didn't. She returned his greeting just as softly and I swear she would be blushing if it were at all possible. He moved to extend his hand in greeting but then froze immediately,

"Wife?" his eyes flickered to me just for the briefest second before landing firmly back on Alice.

"Yeah, buddy," I hoped I was using my gentlest, most sisterly _I'm really sorry to have to crush all your hopes and dreams into dust_ voice. "She's married."

"No." both Alice and Jasper spoke the word at once.

"No?" Seth and I countered.

"What do you mean, no?" I scooted up the staircase away from Alice, I needed to be able to see both her and Jasper for this conversation.

"What we mean, is that Jasper and I are no longer married, Bella. We are just friends now, or siblings depending on how you look at it. It's better this way, Bella." Alice was looking up the stairs at me, her beautiful amber eyes imploring me to believe what I just could not grasp.

While Seth's relief was palpable, my shock was overwhelming.

"No!" I heard myself growl.

"Yes." Jasper said calmly, simply.

"Since when?" I had no right to demand answers from them. This was clearly their personal business, yet I felt invested in this. I needed to know what had happened to cause two mated vampires to break that sacred bond, a bond that Edward had assured me was unbreakable.

"It's been almost six years, Bella."

"_Almost_ six years? When will it be _exactly_ six? "

"September"

My eighteenth birthday was six years ago… this coming September.

"N..N..NO!" I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Everything was crashing down on me. Nothing else existed except the truth. Alice and Jasper were no longer together because of me. Me! I did this! I dissolved the indissoluble.

"NO!" I screamed again and launched myself down the stairs at Alice, she caught me easily and stood me on the floor in front of her, holding both of my hands in hers.

"Bella, please, you have to calm down. It's all okay, just calm down, bébé." Jasper stepped toward us and I let go of one of Alice's hands and reached for one of his. He took it unhesitatingly. I immediately grasped his and Alice's hands and tried to stick them together. Jasper politely took Alice's hand. I let go of their hands and took a step backwards, feeling when I hit Seth's warm form. He placed his hands on my shoulders in an effort to calm me but it was too late.

"Okay? This is not okay! Not even remotely! What about forever? Huh? What happened to forever? Does no one believe in forever anymore?" I railed at the couple in front of me.

"Things change, Bella"

"Not this."

"It just did. It stopped working. It stopped being what we wanted, what we _needed_, it to be."

"NO! That's not how it works, Alice, you don't just walk away when it gets hard! You fight, Alice, you fight with everything that you have, and everything that you are and then, when you think that there is nothing left, you fight some more. You never walk away, no matter what, Alice, you don't just throw it away like an out of style sweater, Alice, you can't just give u – "

"HE TRIED TO KILL MY BEST FRIEND, BELLA!" Her huge eyes were filled with so much grief that I was momentarily struck speechless. As the horrifying realization began to set in that it was indeed my fault that Alice broke up with Jasper, I found my voice,

"What? NO! It was an ACCIDENT, Alice, he didn't mean too…"

"Yes, I did, Bella. I knew exactly what I was doing and who I was about to do it to." Jasper whispered somberly. My eyes locked with his for a moment as I absorbed the truth of his words. His admission didn't make me feel fearful of him. More than anything, I felt incredibly sad that I had ever put him in the position where he had to be tested like that.

"That night changed everything, Bella, _everything_. Nothing has been the same since." Alice looked down at her hands as she twisted them in front of her. For the first time, I noticed the absence of her wedding ring on her left hand.

I needed to fix this, … there had to be a way to fix this. How was I going to fix this? Alice's next statement stopped that line of thinking cold.

"There's no going back, it just is what it is, Bella. We've both been around long enough to understand that sometimes, events happen and it changes us. It takes something very big to do it, but it is possible to change a vampire, Bella, and, in this case, that's exactly what happened. We changed. We stopped being who we each needed the other to be. It's okay, though, Bella, it really is. We are still friends and that won't ever change."

I laughed bitterly, the ironic familiarity of the situation finally becoming too much. "Is this the point where you tell me that you both still love me very much and nothing will change that no matter what? Is Jasper going to start picking me up and taking me for ice cream every Saturday, now?"

"Do you _want_ to go for ice cream every Saturday, Bella?" The ghost of a smile played on his lips but his eyes told me that he wasn't mocking me.

"I want this to not be happening." I said simply. "I don't want _any_ of this to be happening." I gestured wildly around the foyer. "I want someone to explain this to me because it makes no sense. I want my life back, the one that made sense and was predictable and consistent and where no one ever broke up or died because of _me_. And I want Jake back and I want Seth to be happy but not like this, and that makes me an awful sister, I know, and I want it not to be that way, but that's that way it is… and… dammit, I _do_ want ice cream!" Sometime during my rant I had lost the ability to hold myself upright and had ended up huddled on the wooden floor in the middle of my foyer as I continued to rage against all of the perceived injustices in my life.

I could hear Jasper and Alice having a conversation too fast and low for me to decipher. I raised my head to tell them to stop treating me like the five-year-old that I was clearly acting like but the words died on my lips as I found myself looking up at Esme instead. She appeared to be having a rather heated discussion with Alice and Jasper.

"She asked someone to help her because nothing was making sense, so I am here to help her. I'm not breaking the treaty since she also gave permission for _any other Cullen_ to enter the house. I am allowed to assume that meant me. Though, I should warn you, Bella, because Emmett also thinks that it means him." She chuckled lightly and winked at me. "There's been a lot of talk about what Bella wants, but I really think we need to focus on what she needs," she whispered softly and the liquid warmth of her gaze soothed me instantly. "Now, no one asked me, but as a not so casual observer, I would venture to guess that you need to talk about this with someone who isn't quite so personally involved." She gestured over her shoulder toward Alice and Jasper, "Yet, someone who understands the impact this decision is having on you. You can't un-ring this bell, sweetheart, but that doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to have an opinion about it."

She held her arms out to me in a gesture indicative that she wanted to pick me up, "May I?"

I nodded and was instantly nestled safely in her arms. "You are still the only one that ever asks."

She laughed lightly, "It just seems like the right thing to do. Now, these are the things that I know. Number one, that broth I made won't eat itself and goodness knows no one here can eat it, well, except for Seth of course but you aren't allowed, young man." She scowled at him playfully and he smiled and gave her a mock salute as she moved us past him and into the living room. She continued through the room until she reached the closed door at the far end. "Number two, I really do think you will feel better after you get cleaned up a little, so let's take care of that and let everything else just rest for the time being, sound good?"

She had her hand on the doorknob to my bedroom and, despite my trepidations, I nodded because that sounded like the best idea I had heard all day.

**A/N- I'm so sorry that this took so long, real life really is evil and so very distracting sometimes! I don't know how others balance it all out so well, I think that I might need a life coach, or at the very least an accountability partner, to keep me on track!**

**Humungous Big Thank You's go to: Dj_Lilbit for the awesome rec and review at Twific Reviews; My awesome pre-readers, BamaBabe, Gredelina1, Kammy68 and Juliannanight; My special friend, Jasper-and-Manda for taking the time to help me out with this chapter; My twitter pimpers, Nauticalmass, Babylopez_2008, Jokersdaughter3, Jaspers_Bella, and Savage Grace; Balti K for always giving me something new and inspiring to think about; My sweet husband, MistRchelle, for stepping in to beta this time around; and my beta Meddz, you are the best of the best and I'm so glad that we finally got to meet for real for realz, that's definitely one of the highlights of my year so far! **

**Thank you also to everyone who continues to read this story. Thank you for not giving up on me, I am so honored to have you with me on this journey and I truly love each and every one of you! **

**Meddz nominated this story for The Sunflower Awards. It looks so awesome and they are featuring so many amazing authors and stories. Please check it out, the link is on my profile. Voting ends May 25.**

**P.S- wick is a word that was created by marketing execs to describe a fabric's ability to absorb moisture. I find it really very funny, but I don't know why. If you are unfamiliar with the term, Put 'moisture wicking' into google and see what happens...  
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	10. The Time of My Life

**Disclaimer-**** All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, specifically Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs-**** The Time Of My Life – The Black Eyed Peas version, Us – Regina Spektor**

**Beta-** **My dear friend, Bamababe, but I tinkered afterward so all mistakes are mine and mine alone.**

**Tissue Index****- The highest possible, please listen to me on this one! *cocks an eyebrow at IDreamofEddy* You get one ciggy on this one, hon, smoke it wisely and then switch to ice cream okay? That goes for the rest of y'all too! : ) **

**So, without further dudes… I give you Jake's funeral…**

**For MissEllen and Meddz – with all the love that exists in my heart**

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

"Oh my Gosh, I had completely forgotten about that day. I don't know what possessed Jake to dress up like a gorilla, but it was hilarious. The look on Charlie's face when he stepped out of the house to go to work and saw this big ape sitting in the driver's seat of his cruiser was just priceless. I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life."

"Sue, sometimes I forgot I had to watch what I said around Jake. I should have known when I said that nothing interesting ever happened around La Push, he would take that as a challenge." Billy reminisced, laughing heartily as a picture of Jake dressed in the gorilla suit and kissing Billy square on the lips flashed across the screen.

"He is so lucky I didn't shoot him, I really thought it was the real thing at first. I even called for backup." Charlie shook his head and smiled ruefully as a candid shot of him handcuffing the 'gorilla' up against the cruiser filled the screen.

Everyone's attention was directed at the huge new flat screen television hanging over my fireplace. The life and times of Jacob Black were currently being displayed in a digital picture slide show while the Black Eyed Peas told us they were having the time of their life. Seth had done an amazing job and had worked really hard to make it an upbeat and joyful tribute. There wasn't a dry eye in my packed little house but it was due to the hilarity of the images shown, not their poignancy.

Emmett had appeared at my door shortly after Esme and Alice had helped me with my shower and he and Jasper had quickly assembled and installed the elaborate new media system. I had tried to debate the necessity of such an extravagant gift, especially when he rolled the theater style popcorn maker into the house, but I was quickly overruled. As I watched Jake's family and friends relaxing and enjoying themselves as the Technicolor memories floated by, I realized that Jasper was right. He had told me that Seth was trying to provide everyone with a "little light in the darkness' and he and Emmett were just trying to facilitate the experience.

Their mission had definitely been accomplished. Even though we were packed in like sardines, almost everyone had a smile on their face and was happily munching popcorn while they laughed or gave their commentary on the pictures being shown.

Pretty much everyone was seated on the floor or leaning against a wall. Charlie and Sue were seated on the couch next to Carlisle and Esme who were both wearing glasses and were dressed to give the illusion that they had indeed aged since they were last in Forks.

Esme had actually left earlier in the day, stating that she didn't want to make things difficult for me with Sam and the rest of the pack. Alice, however, had been determined to stay, much to Seth's delight, and mine as well, as much as I didn't want to admit it. The little voice in the back of my head kept asking me how I was going to deal with it when the Cullens left again and I kept telling it to shut the hell up. I couldn't even begin to deal with trying to answer _that_ question.

When Charlie arrived, he was really quite happy to see Alice and actually introduced her to Sue as his _other_ daughter before immediately asking about Carlisle and Esme. When she told him that they were in Forks with her, he ordered her to invite them over, after verifying that Edward wasn't with them, of course. Sue was cordial to Alice but she wore her unease like an old shawl. I couldn't tell if it was because she knew that Seth had imprinted on Alice or if it was something else entirely.

I sat in Seth's lap. We were on the floor in front of the couch in-between Alice and Jasper. Across the room, Bethie was sitting with Paul and Rachel and Masen was with Emily and Sam. Masen kept casting furtive glances in my direction, but as soon as I would indicate for him to come and sit with me, he would look away. I hated that I knew that he was afraid of the Cullens because of Billy's stupid stories about _cold ones_. I didn't know how to help him to feel safe except to ask them to leave and I hated that I knew I couldn't do that.

Pictures continued to merge and collide on the TV. Flipping and fading. Growing and shrinking. All in rhythm to the music. All Jacob.

There were a bunch of pictures of him and the rest of the pack wearing padded pink bikini tops while they washed cars to raise money for breast cancer research. My favorite one had me groping Jake's _breasts _lecherously while he watched with a big dumb grin on his face. I had told him that he should at least have had the decency to look affronted, but he had just said that I must not have been doing it right, because he hadn't felt objectified at all.

Next were the pictures of Jake and me with the kids. Shots with us singing into spatulas and soup ladles while dancing in the living room. Ones of the three of us climbing on Jake while he held us up like we weighed nothing. There were pictures of us at the beach, at bonfires, at Billy's, at Charlie and Sue's and just even hanging out in the tree house in our own back yard.

Sometimes, it was just the four of us in the picture, sometimes there would be someone else, at all times, though, you could feel the joy that emanated from those pictures. It broke my heart all over again as I realized that Jake was the source of that joy.

"That one's my all time favorite," Emily declared, forcing me back to the present moment.

I smiled as I saw the image that she meant. Bethie's second birthday party had been a ballerina fairy princess theme. Everyone had been encouraged to dress as a ballerina and/or fairy princess of some kind. It had been my fruitless attempt at trying to inject some femininity into my daughter's life. The party was a dismal failure. She had been unhappy the whole time. She cried when I put her in the fancy tutu dress that I had bought just for the party and flat out refused to wear the sparkly tiara when I tried to put it in her hair. She wouldn't play pin the tiara on the princess or any of the other party games that I tried to involve her in. I had just about been ready to concede defeat when the front door flew open and in twirled _Princess Jake-a-rina_, The World Famous Princess Ballerina Fairy.

It was hilarious. He had dyed a tank top and a pair of white shorts pink and had found a pink sparkly tutu and shimmery fairy wings that actually fit him. He wore a wig with long flowing pink curly hair that reached his waist and of course, he had a beautiful sparkly tiara and matching wand. He had even spray painted a pair of his white running shoes with silver glitter paint. Emily and Dena had painted his finger nails and did his make-up, all over-the-top and sparkly of course. He spoke in a high falsetto voice with a crazy British accent. Bethie was absolutely enchanted with him and was completely agreeable to anything I suggested after that, just as long as _Pwintheth Dake-a-weenah_ did it too.

"I thought he was kidding when he told me he was going to do that," Sam chuckled from his place beside Emily and Masen. "If I had known that he was serious, I would have been like, 'Dude, no, just no!' Now it has set a bad precedent for the rest of us."

"That's right," Emily giggled as she leaned her and Masen in to playfully nudge her husband's side, "You've only got six more months until Marie's first birthday and I'm expecting a good show, Princess Sam-a-rina."

"Fine," he grumbled good naturedly, "but Seth's gotta do it too."

"YEAH!" Seth roared out from behind me while reaching one of his arms up to fist pump the air mightily, "I'm totally gonna rock those fairy wings." Everyone immediately dissolved into laughter. Just when it had started to quiet down, my dad chose that moment to stage whisper to Sue,

"Is it time to be worried _now_?" And everyone started laughing all over again.

The Halloween pictures came next. There was always a party or two on the rez and Jake always wanted to go. Dressing up was mandatory and, if you went as a couple, then the costumes had to complement each other. I didn't know that Halloween had such extensive rules until I met Jake and his friends. The first year, we went as a zombie quarterback and a pregnant zombie cheerleader.

There were pictures of a zombie farmer and his wife and their baby zombie cow; a zombie Dog the Bounty Hunter with a zombie Beth and all of their zombie children - two were real and the rest were dolls that I had hanging off of both Jake and me.

"Thank God Masen developed that fear of zombies and you finally started choosing normal costumes," Rachel quipped from her spot across the room as pictures from the last two _normal_ Halloweens replaced the previous ones. "I mean, what was with that anyway, Bella?"

I tried very hard to suppress an aggravated sigh. Since walking through my front door, Rachel had been all about the _what's with_ questions and it was starting to seriously drive me crazy.

_What's with the entourage? _She had wanted to know as soon as she saw me sitting with Alice, Seth and Jasper.

_What's with all the books? _When she saw the stack of children's books on death and grieving that Jasper had ordered for us sitting in a neat pile in the front hallway.

_What's with your hair, Bella?_ When she saw the intricate braid that Jasper had done for me after my shower.

_What's with Jake's shirt?_ When she noticed that I was wearing his big red T-shirt over top of a long-sleeved black shirt and black yoga pants.

_What's with the Family Guy, Seth? _When the beginning of Jake's DVD started with Peter Griffin saying, "So, without further dudes, ah, let's, uh, watch this thing…"

It appeared to be never ending and I made the decision to treat this latest one as a rhetorical question and just kept my eyes focused on the television. Apparently, Seth had a different plan.

"Zombies are cool, Rachel. Bella and Jake liked them and it was always exciting to see what they were gonna zombie up next. Maybe in a couple of years you can bring back the zombie, hey, Bells?" I just nodded while Rachel returned to facing the screen with an audible huff.

Thankfully, the theme of the images changed from Halloween to cliff diving and hanging out on the beach in La Push. I watched as shot after shot went by of Jake and the boys jumping off the cliffs when Seth suddenly leaned in and gently whispered in my ear,

"I added the video of your first jump at the end, Bells, we can just skip it if you want, but I thought you would want it on here 'cause it was kinda funny." I was just about to tell him that it was fine and I would be okay when Rachel piped up from across the room,

"Well, I for one want to see it, don't the rest of us get any say in the matter?"

"I… uh… yeah… of course, Rachel." Seth said, obviously bewildered. "How the heck did she even hear that?" he basically mouthed at me. I just shrugged and watched in total captivation as a still shot of Jake and I standing at the top of the cliff suddenly morphed into a movie.

The wind could be heard hitting the microphone on the video camera and the picture was a little wobbly as the cameraman was walking forward while he was taking the video.

_I was standing off to the side near the edge, looking off into the ocean. It was the exact same spot I had stood many months previous when I had watched the wolves battle Victoria. This time, however, the sun was shining and I was standing there barefoot and wearing a deep green tank top and a pair of denim shorts. I was also about five months pregnant. The camera briefly focused on my small baby bump before moving steadily closer and then stopping when my face was filling the screen. _

I knew what was going to come next and I suddenly wasn't so confident that I could handle it. My hands were folded in my lap and I subtly began to flex the thumb of my right hand upwards. This was the signal to Jasper that I was afraid of losing control of my emotions. I knew that he saw it because I instantly began to feel very calm and almost sleepy as I leaned against Seth. It was a good thing too because suddenly Jake began to speak.

"_Well, well, well, if it isn't Missus Bella Black looking like she's getting ready to jump off of a cliff. You gonna show us all how it's done, babe?"_

Rachel snorted but I tried to ignore her, focusing instead on not allowing the pain of hearing his voice to swallow me whole.

"_I… uh… I don't know, Jake. It's kind of a long way down." I watched myself as I took a step back from the edge and moved even closer to Jake and the camera. _

"_Yup, it sure is," Jake replied. For a minute the picture went a little blurry as Jake handed the camera off to someone else and he could be heard saying, "here, hold this would ya?" _

_A very young Seth's voice was heard saying, "Sure thing, Jake, anything you want." _

I watched myself as I watched Jake stalk toward me on the video.

_Seth had moved so that he had both of us in the frame with only the blue sky visible behind us. _

"_What's up, carrot?" Jake had asked so gently. He kept tucking my hair behind my ear despite the wind's best attempts to keep blowing it in my face._

"_I just… I just think… maybe, we should do this another day… and maybe on a day when I'm… a little less… pregnant?" My voice squeaked with fear as I took yet another step away from the ledge and Jake moved with me._

"_Sure, carrot, you know, that's no problem, but I just have to ask you something… were you really thinking that I was going to make you jump all by yourself?"_

"_I don't… what?" My confused voice is heard amongst shuffling as Jake picks me up and wraps my legs around his waist. Seth moves forward as we do._

"_Team Black, remember?" Jake takes my left hand and kisses my wedding ring as I nod. _

"_Yeah, I remember, Jake." The relief in my voice is obvious as I truly thought that he was going to take me back to the truck and we would do the jump another day. He doesn't turn toward the truck, however, he actually takes a step closer to the ledge. _

"_Then you also remember that we help each other in all things. When one of us is having a problem with something, then the other one helps them to fix it, right?"_

"_Yeah, I know… but…what? I… Jake, no!" I yell as he takes another step toward the edge of the cliff. "No, Jake, no, put me down, PUT ME DOWN!"_

_Jake turns to face Seth, winks at the camera and says, "Say bye bye, Bella."He leans down to kiss me hard and then walks both of us right off the edge of the cliff. As we disappear from view all that can be heard is my muffled scream along with Jake's joyful whoop._

_Seth had run to the edge of the cliff and was videoing Jake and I as we hit the water. What was really funny though was his running commentary as he continued filming us. "Woo hoo… Yeah, man… That's the way we do that… Way to go, Jake… Oh yeah… good job, man!"_

"Hey!" I gave his outer thigh a quick whack with my hand, "I was there too, you know!"

"Oh, don't be jealous, Bella, you always knew Seth was a devout follower of the Church of Jacob Black," Jared teased.

Everybody laughed and I could tell that Seth was blushing deeply behind me. Any doubt that anyone ever had that about Seth idolizing Jake could be completely discounted by hearing his voice on that video.

"That's you?" I heard Alice quietly ask.

"Um, yeah, I was, you know, really young at the time, like fourteen."

"Oh, I see," she didn't say anything for a minute but then quietly stated, "I think you sounded really cute."

"Thanks Alice," he whispered shyly. I didn't need Jasper's gift to feel the pride radiating off of him in that moment.

**oooOOOoooOOOoooOOO**

I had a speech prepared. It was folded, ready and waiting in the pocket of the new jacket I was wearing. I was on our beach standing in formation with the whole wolf pack and Mike Newton. I was beside Sam in Jake's spot, Masen was balanced on my hip. Bethie was in Seth's arms on my other side. The sound of the ocean behind us was our only music as I looked out at all of our friends and family. Anyone who hadn't been wearing red when they arrived had been given a piece of red cloth to wrap around their upper arm. The effect was really stunning. They were all standing there patiently waiting for me to say something profound, something that would make everything make sense – something that would be significant and important. I was at a complete and total loss as to what that should be. I knew that the words on the little paper in my pocket wouldn't be enough, didn't even come close to being remotely enough.

How do you sum up a life using only words? How do you convey the meaningfulness of a smile, the warmth of a touch, the sound of a heart beating against your cheek, the tingles in your toes when you have been completely and perfectly loved? It just isn't possible, it can't adequately be done.

I let my eyes wander across the expectant faces on the beach, taking them all in but not really seeing individuals. The whole town was there, that much was certain, the beach was packed and yet, people were still arriving. All those people were there because of one life. I wanted to cry from the immensity of it and at the same time I wanted to scream. My heart was touched and deeply humbled by the depth of love our community appeared to have for my husband. The sheer volume of people who had gathered just to pay their respects to one man was truly dizzying. My mind, however, wanted to rage and scream and violently protest that their presence there was uncalled for, unwanted and wholly unnecessary. Didn't they understand? None of this should be happening. Jake wasn't really dead.

Before the panic could completely grip me and compel me to voice my distress, it was gone. In its place was a calm determination instead. My eyes kept roaming the crowd until finally finding his. He stood off the edge of the crowd, his hands folded respectfully in front of him. Carlisle, Esme and Alice stood with him mirroring his pose and look of concern. I could see them watching me intently. I could feel Jasper as he tried to assess what I needed to help me get though the moment. I wished I knew what to tell him.

Under any other circumstance, I would have laughed at the large bubble of space that separated them from everyone else in the sea of red-clad people, but I knew that it was part of the agreement. I had thought that I would have had to fight tooth and nail with Sam to allow just Jasper to attend with me. In the end, however, all it took was for Carlisle to formally request permission for the four of them to attend. Even though he had to add in a bunch of stipulations, I was surprised by how easily Sam had agreed to the request. If that wasn't a miracle in its own right, then I didn't know what was.

I knew that Emmett had wanted to come but that it was decided that it would be best if he stayed back with Edward and Rosalie instead. Carlisle thought that it would draw too much unwanted attention to have all of them together in public at the same time. I couldn't help but think though, that it might have been because Edward and Rose didn't _want_ to come. I had meant to ask Jasper about it but had decided that I actually didn't want to know if that was the true reason. I had more than enough to think about without having to worry about them as well.

Behind the Cullens, I watched as a bird flew overhead and landed in a tree right at the place where the mountain overlooking the beach began its slow and meandering path up from the earth and into the sky. I knew what lay on that mountain. I knew what silently watched over us though I'm sure we looked like no more than insects from so high up. Seth had told me that they had buried Jake just below the summit. He said that they had tried to make the spot distinguishable for me, Billy and Rachel to see but still look natural enough as to not draw any unwanted questions. Because Jake had phased into his wolf form after his death, it was just too risky to disclose the location of his final resting place to anyone. Charlie was still really struggling with the fact that Billy had invoked an antiquated tribal law that permitted tribe members to be buried in an undisclosed location on the reservation without having to notify outside law enforcement. I knew that my dad wasn't letting it go, he was just biding his time and then he would bring it up again.

As my eyes scanned the peak, my heart suddenly jolted when I saw it. To the casual observer, it initially looked like two large evergreen trees had been haphazardly placed in a way that caused them to grow into each other rather than straight upward like they should have. To someone who was looking, they looked like exactly what they were supposed to be, a perfectly imperfect cross.

_Jake_

I swallowed back the sob that had risen up and looked down into the sweet ebony eyes of my little boy. A single tear escaped and stole its way down my cheek. He reached up and gently wiped it away, whispering,

"It's okay, Mommy."

I hugged him to me even tighter as I tried to get myself under control. I could feel my legs shaking and I knew that I had to hold it together for just a little while longer. I could feel Jasper's gift surrounding me, gently strengthening and encouraging me to do what needed to be done for me, for my children and for Jake.

Suddenly, I had so much to say, so much that I wanted these people to know about Jake. Who he was, what he had done, what he believed, I wanted them to know it all. But I couldn't tell them everything, there was so little that I could actually tell them but I could make that little bit be enough. It was then that I knew what that moment needed. I took a deep breath and did the only thing that I knew to do, I told my son a story.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was young and she was very foolish. She went into the forest by herself one day, and when she came out, she had lost her heart. No matter where she looked, she couldn't find it, she searched and searched but it was no use. It was gone.

"Now, it's very hard to live without a heart, impossible actually, but somehow she managed. It was a sad life for her, she had no joy, no hope, no love, for these things can't exist without a heart to live in. Every day she would walk for miles looking for her lost heart even though she knew that she would never find it.

"Sometimes, she would meet others on her journey and she would ask them if they had seen her lost heart. No one ever had, and if she asked them if they could help her find hers, they always said no. They were too busy or too important or just didn't care enough to want to help.

"Then one day, while she was walking along a particularly dark and deserted road, she met someone. He was a warrior, strong and brave, but also incredibly kind and caring. She worried that he wouldn't be interested in helping her since no one else had, but his joy flowed from him like sunshine through a cloud, and she thought that maybe there was a chance that he might be able to help her.

"When she asked him her usual question, he surprised her as his answer was not the same one that everyone else had given her. He told her that he had not seen her heart, but, unlike everyone else, he offered to help her find it. He wanted to know all about how she had lost it and everything that had happened to her since. He began walking with her on the road, not knowing where he was going or what they might encounter, but he committed himself to the journey nonetheless.

"They walked together for many miles but they never found the girl's heart. Eventually, the warrior stopped walking and the girl was so very afraid that he was going to give up the search and leave her. When he saw her fear, he assured her that he would continue to help her look even if it took until the end of all days. He told her that he was troubled by how sad she was and he wanted to do something to help her feel joy, and love, and hope again, all those wonderful things that she hadn't been able to feel since losing her heart.

"He made her an offer that day. He told her that he had been so blessed, that his heart was so very big and that it was practically overflowing with his love for everyone that he had met on his long journeys. He believed strongly that he could give her half of his heart and then they could both be happy while they continued to look for her lost heart.

"She wasn't sure that it would work, but he was insistent. Sure enough, when he gave her half of his heart that was filled with so much love and goodness, he didn't even feel the loss. She, however, immediately felt like she was filled with sunshine, the joy radiated all through her, lifting the sadness and despair and sending it away forever. She smiled for the first time since her heart was lost, took the warrior's hand in hers and they walked off together into the sunset.

"She never did find her heart but it ceased to matter after that day. She had found something so much better and it was everything that she would ever need.

"That's the great thing about love, it can't die, as long as we have a heart for it to live in, it just keeps growing the more that we give our love to others. That's what your Daddy did for me, and for you and for Bethie. He grew the love into our hearts just by loving us. Now, we will have that love forever."

Masen's smile was brilliant as he whispered, "I like that story, Mommy."

"Me, too." I ran my hand through his hair and placed a gentle kiss on his soft little nose.

Billy sat in his wheelchair in front of where I was standing. I touched his shoulder to let him know that I was finished. In his clear, strong voice, he thanked me for my story and surprised me when he told me that it would be added to the archives with the rest of the tribal stories. He then began to talk about his belief that we all exist in seasons and that even though the season of Jacob Black has passed for now, he continues to exist and will one day return just as we all will. I wasn't sure if I truly believed that or not but I respected Billy's need to believe it.

He was doing amazingly well for a man who had just lost his only son. Parents weren't supposed to have to bury their children, it went completely against the natural order of everything. I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't fair nearly as well if I were in his place. He read a bible verse about everything happening in its right season. When he was done, he nodded to Rachel who was standing with Paul on the other side of Sam. She read an e-mail from her sister, Rebecca, who wasn't able to make the trip from Hawaii because she was expecting her third child any day. It was short but very well written and genuinely expressed the love and respect that she had for her brother. Then Rachel began to share her memories of Jake.

She spoke for a very long time in between dramatic break downs. Paul kept offering to take over for her but she would shake her head and start telling another story like nothing had happened. I knew that Rachel loved Jake and that she was grieving his loss. I understood from Jasper that even though the stages of grief are always the same, everyone moves through them in their own unique way. I understood that but I really wanted her to shut up anyway. I felt the anger rising in me as she told yet another _Jake_ story that was actually really a _Rachel_ story with a little bit of Jake in it. With her final story told, she dissolved into hysterical sobs and Paul had to carry her away to edge of the group so that we could hear my dad speak.

As always, Charlie was a man of few words. I had been surprised to hear that he had even wanted to speak at all. He started by talking about Jake's integrity. I knew without him even referencing it that he was talking about the day Jake asked him for permission to marry me. Charlie would never tell these people about what happened that night at Billy's after he had made me drink a gallon of Sunny D and take ten pregnancy tests. A stray comment from Sue had led him to suspect that my recurring stomach flu might be something more and he had gone all _Juno_ on me after a bonfire one night. I was still mad at myself for ever thinking that it was a good idea to watch that movie with Charlie.

Jake had sat on the floor outside the bathroom the whole time I was taking the tests. I had lined them up on the counter to process and had opened the bathroom door only to find Jake sitting on his knees in the doorway. My dad was leaning against the wall opposite the door with his arms crossed and murder in his eyes. Billy was at the end of the hallway in his wheelchair wearing an identical expression.

"Did you look yet?" Jake had asked, looking up at me and taking both of my hands in his but not moving from his place on the floor.

"No, it says they need ten minutes to properly process." I focused solely on him, feeling completely and utterly humiliated in that moment.

"Good. Hey Charlie?" he called, looking over his shoulder at my dad.

"Yeah."

"Can I have your permission to ask Bella to marry me?" I stopped breathing and everything fuzzed out for a full minute. I vaguely remember my dad saying that he would let him know after we knew the results of the tests. What I do remember with resounding clarity was Jake turning back to look me directly in the eyes and saying,

"That doesn't matter, Charlie. All that's going to do is affect the date that it actually happens, that's all."

It had been absolutely silent then for at least two heart beats and then my dad had cleared his throat and said,

"Well alright then, Jake…."

My dad also wasn't going to tell them about the night that Masen was born. He wouldn't tell them about Jake and me being stranded in a snowstorm in our little shack of a house in La Push. It barely had heating and running water and only one bedroom but the pack had helped us fix it up. We had lived there quite happily until Dad and Sue got married and he offered us his house. Even though he didn't tell the story, I knew when he said the words dependable and unwavering that he was remembering when he barged through our door after hours of battling the snow covered highway only to find that Jake had already helped me to deliver our son. He even had both of us wrapped up in the appropriate recovery positions as we waited for the ambulance to reach us. When the door flew open, he had simply grinned, gestured to me and Masen and calmly told my dad,

"Hey Charlie, look what Bella and I did while we were waiting for ya…."

The story my dad did choose to tell actually surprised me though it really shouldn't have. He talked about when Jake and I moved into his house just before we had Bethie, and how one night he just happened to be in the neighborhood and had decided to check on us. He had found that one of the windows on the lower floor was open and the front door was unlocked. He had come in and closed the window and just as he was getting his key out so he could lock the door behind him, Jake had come running down the stairs. He and I had been sleeping in my old room while the pack were slowly helping us to build the addition on the back of the house. My dad scratched the back of his neck sheepishly as he recounted how Jake had greeted him in his usual "happy-go-lucky manner" and how Charlie had proceeded to "tear him a new one" for leaving the house "wide open" in the middle of the night.

"That kid thought he was invincible, I guess we all do when we're that age. He even looked me dead in the eyes and said, 'Charlie, don't worry, they're safe, NOTHING is getting past me.'" I felt a sharp pang hit my chest at those words because something did get past Jake but it wasn't anything that we could have ever known to protect against. They don't make locks or bars to keep ancient illnesses at bay, do they?

"But in the end," my dad continued on with his story, "He came to see my side of things. I can be pretty persuasive being a cop after all. Jake finally did agree to lock the house every night… and I know that he did it too… because I checked."

Everyone chuckled and then Sam stepped forward from where he was standing on my left and began to speak. He thanked everyone for coming and asked them all to take a minute to look around at one another.

"If the only thing that any of you take away with you today from what Bella, Billy, Rebecca, Rachel and Charlie have shared, I hope that it is this – Jacob Black loved deeply and without limits and he was loved just as profoundly in return. None of you would have made the decision to come and stand here on this cloudy day if that wasn't true. The greatest of all things is love and it has a power that cannot be denied. Jacob Black unleashed that power to the very best of his ability and the legacy that he has left behind is very good." He placed a hand on me, then Masen and then reached around us to touch Bethie who was in Seth's arms on my right side. Then he moved to touch Billy, Rachel and Charlie as well. "Did you know that Jacob Black shaved his head in support of his mother-in-law who was dying of cancer? And then, when she wrote her name on his bare head with a sharpie, he later went and had what she had written permanently tattooed?" This was getting to be too much. I hadn't expected him to talk about Renee. I couldn't stifle the sob that ripped itself from my throat and I felt like my knees had turned to jelly. Masen reached across me and I wrapped his legs around my waist as he buried his head in my shoulder, patted my back and whispered,

"Don't cry, Mommy."

I hugged him to me tightly and rocked us back and forth. Instinctively, I looked for Jasper. He was in exactly the same spot he had been in the last time I looked for him. Even though there was a sea of people in between us, I could feel his eyes on me and I instantly felt better, stronger. I took a deep, steadying breath and was able to loosen the death grip I held on my son only slightly. As I listened to Sam as he wrapped up the service, I realized that we were coming to the part where we were actually going to have to say goodbye to Jake. The lengthiness of the service had lulled me into a false sense of security. But I remembered. Now that Sam had brought up Renee, I remembered that the worst part was still to come and that it was going to hurt like hell.

"Now, people of Forks and La Push, you have shown your commitment by coming here today. You have shown your loyalty by placing your flags at half mast and by all the billboard signs around town that conveyed your sympathy for this family. You have shown your respect by allowing your police force to escort the family and the mourners here to La Push. I know that it caused an inconvenience as it meant that the highway was actually shut down to allow the processional to pass uninterrupted. To Chief Swan and the officers responsible for making sure that everyone arrived here safely, you showed us your dedication and I know that I won't soon forget the image of you all standing in salute as we entered the beach today."

I had cried when I saw that. I had been very unhappy when I heard that my dad had insisted that we be escorted to First Beach with full lights and sirens and had thought it all actually quite ridiculous. But I realized when I saw him standing in his full dress uniform at the entrance to the beach, that it was his gift to me, the kids, our family and friends and most importantly, to Jake.

"Jake has left us all a very important legacy." Sam spoke in closing coming to stand in between me and Seth and putting one of his great hands on each of my children. "It takes a village my friends and so I ask you, who will continue that great work? I for one, pledge that I will." He then kissed first the top of my head, then Masen's, then Bethie's. She squirmed and tried to get out of Seth's arms. I was really proud of her as it was the first time that she had shown any sign of being restless since the service began.

"Don't kith me, Unca Tham." She grumbled as she tried to wipe his kiss out of her hair. He chuckled.

"Okay, sorry, Bethie. I was going to have the rest of the honor guard come forward and make their pledge to this family but seeing as our munchkin has had enough, I will simply ask again, Who will stand with this family?"

"I WILL"

The response was deafening. I'm pretty certain that every person on the beach had replied and as the echo faded I felt Sam squeeze my shoulder in a silent prompt. As I looked out across the many faces gathered, I saw that some had also raised their hands to show their support. I couldn't help but notice that Carlisle, Alice, Esme and Jasper fit into that group. Their eyes were on me as they slowly lowered their hands back to their sides. I was overwhelmed and couldn't manage much more than to say,

"Thank you, everyone, thank you so very much."

With that, Sam reclaimed control and encouraged everyone to gather down the beach at the place where the water gathered in a small inlet. We were each going to be given a small boat crafted from aluminum foil. They would have a lit tea-lite candle in the center of each one. It was up to each person if they wanted to make a wish, or ask a prayer or just say a blessing on their boat before launching it in the inlet.

As we walked the short distance to the inlet, we passed by the fallen driftwood tree that had been special to Jake and me. It was barely visible as it had been covered in flowers. A lot of them had come from my house as I had insisted that as lovely as they were, I just needed them to be somewhere else. There were a lot of new ones as well and I thought that it was the perfect place for a memorial to Jake. My gaze must have lingered there a little too long because Sam leaned over and said,

"We're going to carve both your names into the tree after the flowers are all gone."

I could only nod and continued to follow him, being careful not to stumble with Masen in my arms. I put him down once we reached the place where a dozen or so laundry baskets sat over flowing with foil boats. I was handed one that seemed quite a bit larger than the rest of them. When I looked into the bottom, I immediately understood why. Someone had put a pair of Jake's socks in the bottom of my foil boat. They lay along the bottom on either side of the candle which was actually one of those battery operated ones. Out of my periphery, I noticed that both of my children were being given boats with the same kind of candle to prevent them from being burned by the real thing.

I couldn't swallow past the lump in my throat. I looked over at Seth who was helping Bethie and Masen and he just nodded. He knew how much it drove me crazy that Jake always left his socks on the floor for me to pick up and he knew that I had put a pair back on the floor when I started to realize how sick Jake was. I had a feeling this was that pair. I was so touched by the gesture that I couldn't even process it. I was overwhelmed by the amazing love and support that was being shown to me and my family. It was enough to make me think that, despite the pain of losing Jake, maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be alright.

As the group of people began to converge on the inlet, I could hear Rachel as she walked by me with Paul. She was still sniffling and she had that catch to her breathing that people get when they have been crying for a long period of time. I felt bad for her and I wondered if she was going to be able to handle the next part of the ceremony. I heard her stop behind me. I can only guess that she was feeling better than she seemed as she had suddenly regained her composure enough to ask from over my shoulder,

"What's with the socks?"

**A/N- Well, holy crap on a cracker, I actually finished the funeral! No word of a lie, I have been working on this puppy for three months! Thank you so much for your patience in waiting for this one, I know it's been a long gap but it was a real toughie and I could only write a bit at a time before I needed a breather from it. I'll never give up though, I promise you guys that. This story means too much to me and so do all of you! **

**What are your thoughts on me putting updates of this story on hold until I can get some more chapters written? That way I would be able to post more regularly because I would actually be ahead of myself. I haven't made any decision on that yet and wanted to know what you guys think. There is no wrong answer and it doesn't matter if you are an author or not, I'm really interested in hearing your honest thoughts. **

**There are so many amazing people in this fandom that have been showing this story their love in so many different ways that I have to stop naming names in my a/n's because I'm starting to leave people out accidentally and I don't want to do that. I'm going to list all the wonderfulness on my profile as it happens so that I don't have to rely on my not so reliable memory when it comes time to writing my a/n. My poor brain is already fried from just getting the chapter finished! If you see something that I have missed, PLEASE don't hesitate to tell me, I will be very grateful for your help.**

**Thank you all, I love you so much. I wish I could properly convey to you how much I love you, even if the only thing you have ever done was put this story on alert, that is more than enough, you are my dear and cherished friend and just know that I count myself so very lucky to have you on this journey with me. If you are going to leave a review, please make sure that your PM's are turned on as it really breaks my heart when I can't reply to your wonderful reviews. If you didn't receive a reply last time, that's why.**

**Until next time,**

**Krista**


	11. Falls on Me

**Disclaimer- All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, specifically Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.**

**Songs- Falls on Me by Fuel and Best of You by Foo Fighters (Bethie's song is Your Love Is My Drug by Ke$ha) **

**Beta-** **The incomparable** **Meddz, but I always tinker after the fact so all mistakes are mine.**

**Tissue Index- I don't think you'll cry but you might want to hold onto something…**

**OooOooOooOooOooOoo**

I stayed at the water's edge for a long time after everyone else had moved further down the beach to the bonfire. I watched each lit foil boat as they moved through the inlet and were eventually taken up by the ocean current. As each light was extinguished I could feel the numbness increasing, yet I couldn't look away. With every wave that rolled over and consumed each little boat, only one thought kept echoing through my mind.

_What do I do now?_

I focused on the place where the water bled into the sky and I realized that I felt just as lost and fleeting as the aluminum foil boats. I was set adrift in an ocean I couldn't navigate and I had no idea what to do next.

_I need a sign, Jake. I need a sign. Send me something so that I will know what to do now. _

I continued to stand there and watch as the sky and sea carried on their slow merge into dusk.

"The tide's coming in."

I didn't jump, didn't even startle as his cool whispered breath caressed my cheek. I don't know if it's because I always knew that he wasn't far behind me or if it's just because I had gotten so numb that nothing could shock me.

"That's okay." My voice was a hoarse whisper, if he'd been anyone else, I would have wondered if he could hear me.

"You should come and get something to eat. Apparently, it's all very good. Everyone seems to really be enjoying themselves."

"Sounds good." I didn't move, had no intention to, actually. Of course – he knew that too.

"Your feet are getting wet." And they were. Even in Mike's _Super_ _Boots_, I could feel the moisture begin to seep in.

I knew that I was pushing it and I was about to be physically removed from the one spot that actually made sense. I was going to be ripped away from here and forced to face a reality that had literally been making me vomit on a very regular basis over the past few days. I would have to defend my wet feet, blue lips and numb heart when what I really wanted was to stay here and wait for my sign.

_Where the hell is my sign?_

The surprise came in the lack of response. For approximately three minutes, absolutely nothing happened.

Then, I was enveloped, lifted and chastised all in one swift movement. The warmth was the most unexpected thing of all. I had thought that it would be marble cool arms that would extricate me from my haven. Instead, I felt warmth surround me and hot breath against the back of my neck while an even hotter temper washed over me.

"You're a real dummy if you think we're just going to stand around and let the dumb ocean just wash your dumb butt away. Is that what you want? Are you that dumb? You have responsibilities you know? What the hell is the matter with you? He said you were _resolved_, what the hell does that mean? Resolved about what? You're not going anywhere so stop being so dumb. You're going to sit your butt down and eat a dumb sandwich and drink a dumb Sprite and stop being so dumb, got it?"

We were still far enough away that I don't think that anyone could hear him, well, anyone that wasn't a vampire or phased wolf that is…

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop saying dumb."

"Stop being dumb and I'll think about it." He huffed in my ear as he continued to haul me toward the bonfire. I couldn't help but remember a different place and time when someone else carried me just like this away from the edge of a cliff in the pouring rain.

"I wasn't being dumb. I was waiting for a sign."

He stopped then and turned me so that we were eye-to-eye.

"For real?" His eyes searched mine and I could see the real fear there, and that he truly thought I was suicidal.

"For real, Seth." I put my hands on either side of his face and nodded emphatically.

"But, Jasper said that you were resolved." His brow furrowed in contemplation.

"Yeah, resolved that I wasn't leaving without seeing some kind of sign that, I dunno – he's still here. That he sees us, that it's going to be alright, that I'll know what to do now, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, Bells, but it doesn't work like that. You can't demand a sign and then stand in the ocean until you either get the sign or drown."

"Well, that would be a sign in and of itself now wouldn't it?"

"Okay, you had me until there, now I just think that you're dumb again."

He grabbed my hand and led me toward the bonfire. Just as he promised, I had a sandwich in one hand and a Sprite in the other. I ate and drank and listened to the swirl of noise without hearing a thing. Every once in a while someone would comment and I would nod. As people began to leave, they would seek me out for a hug, a platitude and a false promise of getting together soon. The edges of my mouth hurt from the phony smile that had taken up residence there.

"Becauthe yo wuv, yo wuv, yo wuv ith ma dwug, yo wuv, yo wuv, yo wuv. I thaid yo wuv, yo wuv, yo wuv ith ma dwug, yo wuv, yo wuv, yo wuv…"

Before the funeral, I had contemplated leaving my children in La Push with Charlie and Sue for one or maybe two more nights. They always seemed really happy there and I knew that they were always safe and well cared for. There was just the issue of their exposure to some of the less than child friendly habits of the rest of the pack, but I knew that my dad and Sue tried really hard to keep the contact limited.

Hearing my daughter belting out the lyrics to a Kesha song, however, suggested that I needed to take Bethie and Masen home with me instead. It was time to pull up my big girl panties and accept that I was now a single mother, whether I was ready to handle it or not. When Bethie started going up to all of the men who were seated around the fire and saying very saucily, _"I yike yo beard,"_ I found myself marching toward her, taking her by the hand and encouraging her that it was definitely time to say her 'goodbyes.'

Seth and I belted my kids into the car amidst calls of _"Are you sure?"_ and _"But it's still early."_ and _"You're always welcome to stay with us."_ I just smiled, nodded, made the obligatory promises to call, text or facebook, got into the passenger side of Jake's Rabbit and watched La Push fade into the distance.

Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Alice would be following behind us in Carlisle's Escalade. Apparently, another part of the stipulation to them being allowed to attend Jake's memorial was an agreement that they would travel separately from the kids and me. They were also going to be followed out of La Push by every member of the pack. Some would be in cars and some would be phased and patrolling the forest on either side of the highway. I thought that the whole thing was excessive and ridiculous but Carlisle had said that he understood Sam's reasoning and that it really wasn't a big deal.

We hadn't driven very far past the place that Seth had pointed out as the boundary line for the treaty, when he suddenly cursed loudly. Shocked that he would swear with the kids in the car, even if they were already sleeping, I turned from my place at the window to see him fighting with the steering wheel.

"What's wrong?" It wasn't yet completely dark outside but it suddenly seemed very dark inside the car. It took a moment for me to realize that it was because the console lights were no longer lit.

"We're dead sticking! Nothing's responding, lights are out and everything's locked right up, I don't understand it. I've got nothing and yet we're still moving. This shouldn't be happening!" His hands were frantically moving around trying to figure out what was wrong with the car.

"The brakes aren't working either?"

"I'm freaking standing on it, Bella, it won't respond!" He slammed both fists against the steering wheel, blew out a breath and ran his fingers through his short spiky hair before undoing his seat belt and then mine. "Okay, here's the plan, we only have a couple miles or so left of straight highway and then it gets real curvy real fast, we gotta get stopped right now." He glanced into the back seat at my sleeping children and then back at me.

"I'm gonna get out now and phase and I want you to hit me. I'm built like a brick house when I'm phased, I should be able to stop you. It's gonna suck, but I think it's the only way. Try to keep it straight. Bells, and aim for my flank. Put your seat belt on as soon as you get into my seat and make sure that it's tight across your hip bones, not your tummy. You can do this, Bella, I know that you can."

My objection died on my lips as he simultaneously pulled me into the driver's seat and flung himself out the door. I screamed in protest even as I reflexively pulled his door closed. Pieces of clothing hit the door and I realized that he must have phased as he was jumping out of the car. It would have been really cool if the whole situation wasn't so terrifying.

I clung to the unresponsive steering wheel and sobbed, "No, Seth, no, please, no, I can't hit you, don't make me hit you, you big dummy." I kept my eyes on the road and continued to plead with my dumb, brave, stupid, heroic brother.

This was a terrible plan and I had no idea how it could possibly work. Even phased, Seth was no match for a moving vehicle. In his attempt to save us, he was going to die. The realization struck me hard.

In trying to save my kids and me, I was going to kill my brother!

I could feel my chest tightening and it was beginning to become increasingly hard to breathe. I tried to concentrate on keeping the car steady on the road but my panic only grew as I realized that nothing that I was doing was making any difference to our trajectory.

"Jake," I heard myself wheeze, "Jake, please, this can't be what's supposed to happen. Help us, please, Jake, help us."

I could see a shape moving into our path up ahead and I knew that it was Seth.

"NO, SETH, NO!" I shouted, knowing that he could hear me. "WE ARE NOT DOING THIS! I CAN'T KILL YOU, SETH, GET OFF THE ROAD!"

Suddenly, the passenger side door flew open and I saw a flash of black and then blond in my peripheral vision. I turned my head to see Alice climbing into the back seat while Jasper perched himself on the passenger seat. He appeared to be taking in everything that was happening inside and outside of the car yet he spoke to me as if we were discussing what to watch on TV.

"Okay, Bella, Plan A – we grab you and the kids, jump out of the car and let the car hit the ditch when it reaches the curves up ahead." I was already shaking my head. "Or Plan B – we stay in the car and do what it takes to get it stopped. A or B?"

"B! I'm not leaving this car and neither are my kids! Oh my God, my kids, please help my kids!"

I was truly hyperventilating now and I don't even know how I found the air to speak. I also can't even say that it was a conscious decision as I found myself speaking before I had even fully comprehended Jasper's ultimatum. I just knew in the deepest depths of my soul that, regardless of the situation, there was no place that could be safer for us than Jake's car. It was always an important part of him and I couldn't abandon it no matter what.

"Okay then, get off the road, Seth, we are initiating Plan B." Jasper quickly maneuvered us so that he was sitting in the driver's seat behind me. I had no idea how the two of us were able to fit there but we did. I guess it was because that seat was always pulled back as far as it could go to accommodate Jake's extraordinarily long legs and neither Seth nor I had adjusted it back yet.

"I've got the kids, Bella, I promise that nothing will happen to them." Alice vowed as she moved and positioned herself so that she was kneeling on the back seat in between their car seats.

"You can let go of the wheel, Bébé, I got it." Jasper took the wheel as I slowly relinquished the death grip I had on it. His right foot slid underneath mine on the brake pedal and he adjusted me so that I was leaning back against him. My head was resting against his right shoulder so that he could watch the road from my left. He kept speaking to me softly even as he continued to assess the responsiveness of the vehicle. The instant our bodies had come into contact, I had begun to feel calmer and less panicked, however it was still very hard to breathe despite my best effort at relaxing.

"It's going to be okay, Bébé, you're not going to hit Seth. He got off of the road. It's going to be alright. You have to breathe for me now." I saw him twitch the steering wheel ever so slightly and it was followed by a loud crack. The wheel began to move more freely and I could feel that the car was actually responding. However, we were still going very fast with no way to stop.

"I have steering but the brakes are still out, we are accelerating and Bella's hyperventilating. All passengers are secured." Jasper stated calmly. At first, I thought that he was talking to Alice, but then I saw a vehicle passing us in the opposite lane and realized that he was talking to the driver. The car overtook us and moved into our lane. As close to hysterics as I was, that vehicle didn't escape my attention.

It was a silver Volvo.

_Edward's_ silver Volvo.

"Edward's going to slow us down, but it's going to be a little bumpy," Jasper whispered in my ear. "He's going to match our speed and slow down gradually, allowing us to hit him until he can get us slow enough to bring us to a stop. It's probably best if you try to relax as much as you can and don't watch." He took one hand off of the steering wheel and turned my head so that I was no longer looking at the road but up at him instead. I tried to draw in a breath to respond, to tell Jasper my fears that Plan B was even worse than Seth's plan and that we were all going to die. But, I couldn't speak.

I could not breathe.

"Blue is not your color, Bella," he murmured softly. His lips gently covered mine and air slowly filled my mouth, travelling down my throat and in to my lungs. His hand cupped the back of my head and held me tightly to him as he continued to breathe for me. Slowly, everything began to melt away until there was no terror, no fear, no panic, nothing – only Jasper and I existed. He had taken me to my breathing space once again. As it had on other occasions, his sweet, cool breath triggered my own reaction to breathe. I could feel myself gradually responding and breathing back into him.

He continued to hold me firmly to him. His grip on me actually tightened further just a second before I felt the Rabbit hit the back of the Volvo. I tensed and whimpered but Jasper held me so securely that I didn't even feel the car jolt backward from the impact.

He pulled back slightly and I opened my eyes to look up at him but wasn't able to voice all the concerns that were cycling rapidly in my mind. Jasper, as always, knew exactly what I needed to hear.

"The kids are okay, Alice is holding them securely in their seats. They never even felt the impact and are still sleeping. You are doing great, Bella, this was the safest plan to choose, you did a great job."

I heard everything that he said, yet I felt very disconnected from it. I found myself suddenly lost again in his swirling amber eyes. Everything else ceased to be and I have never felt so safe or at peace in my whole life.

We collided with the Volvo three more times before Edward was able to maintain contact with us and bring both vehicles to a stop at the side of the road. There was a moment where nothing happened and then there was a flurry of activity as doors were whisked open and Carlisle was suddenly there.

I felt his cool fingers palpating my neck and spine as he asked me questions about pain, bleeding and range of motion. When I answered everything to his satisfaction, he told Jasper to take me to the Escalade while he checked over my kids.

As I was climbing out of the driver's side, I noticed that the hood had already been popped and Rose, Emmett, and Edward were all intently looking inside. On shaky legs, I took a step closer to them. I had a desperate need to know what the hell had just happened to my car. I could feel Jasper following close behind me. I'm sure that he was expecting me to fall over at any minute, and with the way that I was feeling, I wasn't entirely sure that I wouldn't.

Emmett was closest to me; he turned as I approached and made a space beside him. He wrapped one giant, muscled arm around my shoulders in a side hug, which I gladly reciprocated.

"Good to see you're not dead, Bella. Thought for a minute there that 'ol Jazz was gonna have to give you the bite of life."

All that I could manage was something that resembled a nervous chuckle crossed with a stunned snort. Any other reply I may have made was immediately cut off by Edward's enraged,

"Emmett! That's enough!"

I glanced toward the other side of the car where Edward was standing with his arms crossed and an angry expression marred his usually beatific features.

"Oh Edward, pull the stick already," Rose snapped from her place at the very front of the vehicle. She was leaned in and bent so far forward that only the top of her head was visible. "He was just making a joke. You know that's his coping mechanism, so get off his hump." She stood upright and flipped her hair back from her face with a flourish. "Because that's my job, you know." She winked at Emmett. His guffaw was long and loud,

"Yeah, it is baby! That's my girl." His body shook with his mirth and I could feel myself starting to feel better. The shock of the accident was definitely wearing off and I was frankly surprised at how alright I felt.

"Rose," my voice was still raspy but she heard and turned to look at me, "what happened? Why did the Rabbit die like that?"

She sighed and shook her head. "I really wish that I could tell you, Bella. Right now, I can't see a thing wrong aside from the fact that she's low on a few fluids and needs her spark plugs changed. Otherwise, she's in great condition. I need to get under her and start pulling things apart to get a clearer picture of what might be going on. Em and I will tow her to the house later and take a good look, okay?" I nodded and was about to thank her when the sight of the front bumper distracted me. It had definitely seen better days and was quite bent and contorted.

I guess Emmett must have sensed my distress because he leaned in and whispered with a chuckle, "That's okay, Bella, you should see the Volvo, your little Rabbit definitely came out the winner in that fight."

Oh no!

I moved the few steps to where Edward's Volvo was parked and saw that what Emmett had said was indeed true. The back of Edward's car looked like someone had hit it with a sledgehammer.

"Oh my God, Edward." My hand flew to my mouth and my body began to shake anew. "I am so sorry, I will pay to have it fixed, I'm just – oh my God, I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Bella, how many Volvo dealerships do you think there are in Washington?"

"What? I… what?" What kind of question was that? Did he want me to buy him a brand new Volvo instead of just getting this one fixed? I stared at him in shock.

"There are at least twenty-seven," he stated, as if this was remotely important.

"I, uh, okay?" I really had no idea where he was going with this and it was leaving me feeling a little piqued.

"Now, how many _Bella_ dealerships are there in Washington?" My eyes met his and I was overwhelmed by the sadness in them. Despite everything that had happened between us, Edward was still so protective of me. That thought helped to erase my earlier aggravation and replace it with understanding. My moment of reflection was disturbed by Emmett's musings,

"You know, they really should think about building one of those, 'cause at the rate you're going, it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have some spare parts kicking around." He laughed as I tried to unsuccessfully punch him,

"Yup, definitely would be a good idea to keep extra fingers and hands around."

Everyone was smiling and I watched as Alice approached us. She had Bethie's legs wrapped around her waist and her head was resting on Alice's shoulder. She was starting to ask me about spare clothes for Seth but didn't get very far when she was interrupted by a fierce growl.

Instantly, everything changed and I found myself standing behind Jasper. He was crouched low in front of me and it took me a moment to realize who he was protecting me from.

Rose was fighting wildly against both Edward and Emmett. I have never seen her look so feral or vicious. I had no idea what had caused her to become so incensed. Just a moment earlier we had been laughing and talking quite pleasantly. I had almost thought for a moment that all of our past issues had been forgotten.

Now, I couldn't understand what had changed her demeanor so violently. As I followed her line of sight, I realized that she was staring at Bethie. Not just staring, no, this was so much more, she radiated dissonance. It looked like she was torn between anger, need and something else I couldn't place.

I had seen a similar look on Edward's face the very first time we met.

"It's her blood isn't it?"

Jasper didn't have to confirm it. I knew all that I needed to know. My baby girl, my sweet little Bethie, one of my only two reasons for living, was in serious danger. All the calm that I thought I had regained evaporated in that instant. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my body. The urge to fight or flee was prickling my muscles, demanding I make a choice. I knew what I was going to do.

Fight.

The blood rushing in my ears was almost deafening. My breathing was once again erratic and I could hear myself gasping. But none of that mattered. My vision narrowed and all I saw was the blonde-haired threat to my child's very existence.

_Jacob, help me save our baby!_

I don't even consciously recall choosing to move between Rose and my daughter, but suddenly, I was there. I have no idea if Jasper tried to stop me or not. While I was very aware that he was still crouched low in front of me, my focus was wholly and completely on the snarling woman with the wild onyx eyes.

_Jake, please protect our angel! _

"Bethie is Rose's singer." Jasper unnecessarily confirmed. "Alice is going to slowly retreat; it's going to be alright, Bébé." I have no idea what Alice was doing as I kept my gaze fully on Rose, tracking her every move. I was standing at my full height behind Jasper, my hands on my hips, just daring her to try to get past me. I was raw energy and instinct, if humans could growl, I would have.

_Give me the strength I need to do this, Jake!_

I watched both Edward and Emmett as they murmured rapidly to her. Very gradually, I could see Rose's struggle losing momentum until, eventually, she had calmed enough to allow Emmett to lead her away into the surrounding forest. Edward stood watching them, an unreadable expression on his face.

Jasper straightened and turned to face me. I can only assume that he was intending to inquire after my well being, but that was the exact moment that I had officially hit the end of my weirdness tolerance for the day. My limbs jellified, my knees buckled and the whole universe condensed down into one tiny truth,

_I can't handle this. _

There were words said and discussions had, I honestly didn't give a damn about any of it.

Somehow, I ended up on Jasper's lap in the backseat of Carlisle's car. He took me to my breathing space, whispering words of support and encouragement while I struggled fruitlessly to regain any semblance of equilibrium. He assured me that my children were seated behind us with Seth. I could hear that my brother was speaking quietly with Masen and trying to explain why we were in a different vehicle with so many new people. Amazingly, Bethie was still asleep. I could hear the smile in Jasper's voice as he described what she looked like curled up in her car seat with her fingers in her mouth and her blanket covering half of her face.

I heard all of it, and yet, I didn't. I was beyond numb, beyond empty, beyond shocked.

Once we arrived home, Jasper settled us into our place on the couch. He just rocked us back and forth for a long time while he hummed a tune that was very familiar but I couldn't name.

We rocked for a long time before I slowly began to come back in to myself enough to recognize that while I wasn't hungry or thirsty, I really, really, _really_ wanted a cigarette.

"Jasper," I whispered, "can we go out back for a smoke? I am really need one right now."

I could feel him nodding and begin to raise us off of the couch, but then – he just stopped.

"No, Bella." Seth said calmly from his place on the living room floor where he had made a bed for him and the kids. I actually thought that he had fallen asleep there.

"What do you mean, _no_, Seth? I haven't had one since… since… well, you know when. I haven't had one since _that_ night, but I really need one right now. Today was a crap day followed by an even crappier night, if anyone deserves a smoke right now, it's me." I was growing increasingly irritated. After the day I had, it didn't take much.

"I'm not saying that you don't deserve to have one, I'm just saying that you can't have one. I can't tell you why, but if you knew my reasons, you would agree with me."

"But I don't know your reasons because you want to play _I know something you don't know _instead of telling me anything that makes sense. Therefore, I don't agree with you, therefore, let's go, Jasper." I gestured in the direction of my bedroom but Jasper remained unmoving.

Seth sighed and sat up. "How 'bout a hot chocolate and some popcorn? I could go make you some of that, that's better than a smoke isn't it?" He sounded so hopeful. I didn't want to be a jerk to him but I didn't understand why he was acting this way. He knew what today had been like for me – he was there.

"Put some Baileys in the hot chocolate and you might be on to something." I folded my arms across my chest and waited for his response. Jasper was eerily still and silent and it made me wonder if it was because of the emotions that he was picking up from Seth or if it was something else.

"I can't do that, either, Bella."

Any other day, I probably would have dropped it. It was obvious that, once again, an Alpha order had been placed over me. This wasn't the first time I had come across an, '_I'd like to tell you but I can't'_ situation and I usually did a better job of handling it – usually. It was just part and parcel of living amongst the wolf pack and I understood that Sam always had good reasons for making such decrees – most of the time.

But not today.

Today, I was done. There was nothing left in me. Nothing left for me to give, nothing left for anyone to take away. My husband was already gone. His car was ruined, diminished, changed. My son was traumatized and my daughter – oh my God, what would happen to Bethie if Rose couldn't control herself?

Everything good was tainted and I didn't know how to fix it. I was still adrift and without a sign because if those were my signs, then the world has officially gone to hell. I just wanted a smoke, one puff, one single inhalation to help me make sense of the chaos. That's it, that's all I wanted. I could have asked for my husband back, I could have asked for Masen and Bethie to be restored to exactly how they were before he got sick, before he died, before their whole world flipped over on its ass. I could have asked for Rose to have never come back to Forks. I could have asked for the freaking moon but all I was asking for was one single drag from one single cigarette, and I was being denied?

Not. Today.

"Let me go, please, Jasper," I whispered. He did as I asked and I casually stepped around Seth and the kids. I made my way through my bedroom without looking at anything in the room. I focused on reaching my goal, which was just to get to the sliding doors. Once through them, I grabbed my cigarettes down from their hiding spot, pulled one out, set it to my lips and lit it.

It disappeared before I could even inhale.

Startled, I stepped back to see Sam standing in front of me with my cigarette in his hand. I had no idea that he had come back to my house, let alone that he was hanging out in my backyard. The last I had heard, he had turned around at the boundary line with everyone else. I suppose he would have heard about the accident from Seth and maybe came by to check on us. It didn't really explain why he hadn't come in through the front door like a normal person, though. It almost made me feel like he had been out there waiting for me to try to _break his edict._

"I'm still using that." I tried for nonchalant even though I was absolutely seething inside. What the hell gave him the right to just walk on to my property anytime he felt like it and enact his will on me?

"No, Bella, you're not. I know that this has been a difficult day for you, but this isn't the answer."

"I don't think that you get to decide that. I am a grown woman and perfectly capable of making my own choices. I wasn't going to smoke the whole pack; I was only going to have one. But that isn't even your business or remotely your choice. If I wanted to smoke the whole stinking pack and then go out and buy another one and smoke that one too, that's no one's business but my own. As long as I don't do it in front of my kids or your kids or Emily or anyone else on the res, then what the hell business is it of yours?"

He looked at me for a long time. I could tell that he was angry with me. He really wasn't used to being told off as no one really did it very often, except for me, it seemed. There was something else going on as well. I could tell that he was genuinely concerned for me but I still couldn't understand why he was making such a big deal over one stupid little cigarette.

His dark eyes were solemn as he threw the cigarette onto the porch and stamped it out with his shoe. He took both my hands into his and, after what seemed like a lifetime, he finally spoke,

"Bella, you're pregnant."

**A/N- Dun, Dun, Dun! LOL ! This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has already guessed that this is the case but especially to Kammy68. She was the very first one to ask, "What's Bella's big secret?" Thank you for being so patient and for letting the 'story tell you', hon. I hope that it was worth the wait!**

**Speaking of wait… I'm sorry, guys, I really am. I know that this was the longest wait yet and I am just so grateful for everyone who is still sticking around. I love you all more than I can possibly say. I will finish this story and I am trying harder to make writing a priority, I promise you!**

**P.S. Please don't call bullsquirt on me! I know that a lot happens in this chapter but in my defense:**

**1. Bella did ask for a sign and anyone who's ever done that knows that it isn't always (read – never) what you think it will be.**

**2. MistRchelle said that the story needed more action in it, so this chapter is also dedicated to him. Was that enough adrenaline for you honey? Also, are there other guys reading this story? I'm just curious… **

**3. Bella really wanted to smash up the Volvo and who could blame her? I just went with it… : )**

**4. Bethie was always going to be Rose's singer. In case you thought that I just pulled the idea outta my ear. If you think back, yes, she was in the house before but that was when Bethie was a baby AND they weren't in the same room AND there were a lot of smelly wolves around to mask any singer-type smells. That holds true for right up until now as this is the first time that Rose is around her without a smelly wolf in direct proximity. I figure if Edward could be in the cafeteria with Bella and not know until he met up with her again in Bio that she was his singer, then this concept should work too, so please don't kill me over this one, please, please, please!**

**5. They can't all be home runs, right?**

**6. What song was Jasper humming to Bella? Not really a defense point, but I don't really have one in mind and would love to hear your suggestions.**

**7. If I wrote a Harry Potter fan fic, would you read it? Again, not a defense point but I'm really curious. I'm really into Draco/Hermione stories right now so that would probably be the pairing and it would most likely just be a oneshot. I am open to suggestions so please send me some prompts and I will definitely credit you if I use yours.**

**Ok, that's it. If you're gonna hit the button, please be gentle…**

**Until next time,**

**Krista **


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